Are You in a Relationship with a High-Conflict Person? The Patterns That Finally Made It Clear10/12/2025
If you're reading this, you're probably wondering if what you're experiencing is "normal" relationship conflict or something more serious. Here's what I want you to know: if you're constantly walking on eggshells, questioning your own reality, or feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough, those are significant red flags. You're not imagining it, and you're not alone.
I'll never forget the moment Sarah sat across from me in my office, her hands wrapped tightly around her coffee cup. "I keep thinking I'm the problem," she said quietly. "My husband tells me I'm too sensitive, that I overreact to everything. But Katie, I feel like I'm losing my mind."
As a divorce coach, I've heard variations of this story more times than I can count. And almost always, what follows is a familiar pattern – one that took Sarah years to recognize, but only minutes for me to spot. She wasn't losing her mind. She was living with a high-conflict, narcissistic person. Understanding Narcissistic Relationships: You're Not Alone
The research on narcissistic behavior patterns has grown significantly in recent years, and what we've learned is validating for so many people: narcissistic traits are more common than most people realize. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who has dedicated her career to this work, has helped thousands of people recognize these patterns.
The challenge? High-conflict and narcissistic individuals rarely seek help or acknowledge their behavior. This leaves their partners confused, doubting themselves, and often staying far longer than is healthy. The Checklist That Changed Everything for My Divorce Coaching Clients
When I first started working with clients navigating divorces from high-conflict partners, I found myself repeating the same observations over and over. "Does he blame you for everything?" "Does she refuse to take accountability?" "Do you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells?"
Then I came across Dr. Ramani's work. In her book Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With A Narcissist, Dr. Ramani created a 30-point checklist specifically designed to help people recognize narcissistic relationship patterns. This checklist isn't meant to diagnose anyone clinically; it's designed to help people like Sarah identify patterns of behavior that indicate they're in a high-conflict or narcissistic marriage. The first time Sarah filled out the checklist during one of our divorce coaching sessions, she checked off 22 out of 30 items. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I thought it was just me," she whispered. It wasn't just her. And if you're reading this from Peoria, Morton, Washington, or anywhere in Central Illinois or beyond it probably isn't just you either. 
Why Traditional Relationship Advice Falls Short With Narcissistic Partners
Here's what makes high-conflict relationships so confusing: all the normal relationship advice doesn't work.
"Have you tried communicating better?" Well-meaning friends ask. "Maybe you need to be more understanding of his perspective." "Have you considered couples counseling?" Yes, yes, and yes. My divorce coaching clients have tried all of it. And it didn't work because you can't use healthy relationship tools in an unhealthy relationship dynamic. In fact, many therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse actually advise against couples counseling with a narcissistic partner, as it can give them more ammunition to use against you. It's like trying to fix a broken foundation by repainting the walls. In my divorce coaching practice, I help clients understand that recognizing these patterns isn't about blame or diagnosis. It's about clarity. It's about finally having words for what you've been experiencing and permission to trust your own reality again. 
7 Key Signs You're in a High-Conflict or Narcissistic Relationship
While Dr. Ramani's full 30-point checklist is available in her book, through my years of divorce coaching, I've identified the most common narcissistic relationship signs that signal you're dealing with a high-conflict partner:
1. They Never Take Accountability: It's always someone else's fault – usually yours. When confronted with hurtful behavior, they deflect, deny, or turn it around so somehow you're the one apologizing. This pattern of avoiding responsibility is one of the hallmark signs of narcissistic behavior. 2. Your Feelings Don't Matter (Lack of Empathy): When you express hurt or disappointment, they dismiss it, minimize it, or tell you you're "too sensitive." Research shows that individuals with narcissistic traits often lack empathy and struggle to validate others' emotions. You've learned to stop sharing how you feel because it only makes things worse. 3. Double Standards Are the Norm: They can stay out late without explanation, but if you're five minutes late from work, there's an interrogation. They can spend money freely, but you need to justify every purchase. The double standard is exhausting and designed to keep you off-balance. 4. You're Constantly Confused (Gaslighting): They said one thing yesterday, but today they're insisting they never said that. You find yourself questioning your own memory and perception of events. This manipulation tactic, called gaslighting, is incredibly damaging and is a common narcissistic abuse pattern. 5. Walking on Eggshells Has Become Your Default: You've learned to monitor their mood, adjust your behavior, and carefully word everything you say. The mental energy this takes is absolutely draining. Many of my divorce coaching clients describe feeling like they had been beat up just from managing their partner's emotions. 6. They Isolate You From Support Systems: Slowly, over time, your relationships with friends and family have deteriorated. Maybe they directly discouraged these relationships, or maybe they made it so uncomfortable to have a social life that you stopped trying. Isolation is a key control tactic in high-conflict relationships. 7. Nothing Is Ever Good Enough (Moving Goalposts): No matter how hard you try, it's never quite right. The goalposts keep moving, and you're perpetually striving for approval that never comes. This pattern keeps you focused on "fixing" yourself rather than recognizing the unhealthy dynamic. 
What I've Learned From My Divorce Coaching Clients in Central Illinois
Through countless divorce coaching sessions with clients throughout Peoria, Morton, Washington and surrounding communities, I've observed that people in high-conflict relationships often share similar experiences:
They've lost themselves. One client told me, "I don't even know what I like anymore. I spent so many years adapting to what he wanted that I forgot who I am." They feel tremendous guilt about considering divorce. Because there might not be obvious abuse or infidelity, they feel like their reasons aren't "good enough." Let me be clear: emotional abuse is abuse. Constant criticism is abuse. Being made to feel worthless in your own relationship is abuse. They're afraid no one will believe them. High-conflict individuals are often charming in public. Your spouse might be the life of the party, the dedicated community volunteer, the person everyone else thinks is wonderful. This makes your experience feel even more isolating. They've tried everything to fix it. By the time clients come to me for divorce coaching, they've usually spent years trying to make things work. They've read the books, suggested counseling, changed their own behavior, and bent over backwards to keep the peace. The Family Roles That Keep You Trapped in a Narcissistic Marriage
Beyond individual behaviors, high-conflict family systems often assign everyone specific roles. Understanding these roles can be eye-opening for my divorce coaching clients:
Maybe you've become the Enabler, the one who keeps the family functioning despite the chaos, constantly making excuses and cleaning up messes. Or perhaps you're the Scapegoat, the one who gets blamed for everything that goes wrong, even when it makes no logical sense. Your children might be assigned roles too: the Golden Child who can do no wrong in your partner's eyes, or the Invisible Child who has learned to disappear to avoid conflict. Recognizing these patterns isn't about judgment. It's about understanding the system you're living in so you can make informed decisions about your future. 
When Staying Becomes More Painful Than Leaving: High-Conflict Divorce in Illinois
I often tell my clients that divorce isn't the failure, staying in a relationship that slowly destroys your sense of self is the real tragedy.
Sarah stayed in her marriage for three years after recognizing the patterns. She needed that time to prepare emotionally and financially, to gather her strength, and to develop an exit strategy. As her divorce coach, I supported her through every step of that process, including:
But something had shifted in Sarah. She wasn't questioning herself anymore. She knew the truth of what she'd lived through, and that clarity gave her the strength to keep moving forward. 
Frequently Asked Questions About High-Conflict and Narcissistic Relationships
1. How do I know if my spouse is truly narcissistic or just difficult?
While only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you can recognize narcissistic behavior patterns. If your partner consistently shows lack of empathy, refuses accountability, manipulates your reality, and the relationship leaves you feeling confused and diminished, these are red flags worth taking seriously. 2. Can a narcissist change with therapy or counseling? Research shows that true narcissistic personality patterns are extremely difficult to change, as individuals with these traits rarely believe they have a problem. If your partner has spent years showing these patterns and refuses to acknowledge their behavior, waiting for change often means sacrificing more years of your life. 3. Should I tell my narcissistic spouse I'm planning to divorce? As a divorce coach, I typically advise clients to have their plan in place before announcing divorce to a high-conflict partner. This includes consulting with an attorney, securing finances, and having emotional support ready. High-conflict individuals can escalate when they feel they're losing control. 4. Will anyone believe me about the emotional abuse? This is one of the most common fears I hear in divorce coaching sessions. The key is finding the right support: therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse, attorneys experienced with high-conflict divorce, and divorce coaches who understand these dynamics. Your reality is valid, even if not everyone sees it. 5. How long does it take to divorce a narcissistic person? High-conflict divorces often take longer than average because the narcissistic partner may use the legal system as a way to maintain control and punish you for leaving. However, with the right legal team and divorce coaching support, you can navigate the process more efficiently and protect your emotional wellbeing. 
You're Not Imagining It: Trust Your Reality
If you're reading this and thinking, "This sounds like my relationship," I want you to know something important: you're not crazy, you're not too sensitive, and you're not making it up.
High-conflict and narcissistic relationships have predictable patterns. Recognizing those patterns is the first step toward reclaiming your life. Whether you're just beginning to question your marriage or you're ready to move forward with divorce in Central Illinois, you don't have to navigate this alone. As a divorce coach serving Peoria, Morton, Washington, and surrounding communities, I help clients understand these dynamics, plan their next steps, and rebuild their confidence in their own perceptions and decisions. The checklist Sarah filled out that day in my office didn't tell her anything she didn't already know deep down. It simply gave her permission to trust what she'd been experiencing all along. If you need that same permission, consider this it: Your reality is valid. Your feelings matter. And wanting more for yourself isn't selfish! It's healthy. You deserve a life where you're not constantly walking on eggshells, where your feelings are respected, and where you can be yourself without fear. That life is possible, and it starts with trusting yourself enough to acknowledge what you've been living through.
If you're considering divorce or questioning whether your relationship is healthy, I'm here to help. As a divorce coach in Central Illinois, I provide confidential, personalized support to help you navigate high-conflict divorce with clarity and confidence. Whether you're in Peoria, Morton, Washington, or anywhere in Central Illinois, reach out – you don't have to figure this out alone.
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"The person who is willing to start has a standing invitation to a better future."
I found myself writing these words recently, and they've been echoing in my mind ever since. As a divorce coach who has walked this path myself and guided hundreds of others through their own journeys, I've come to realize that this simple truth captures something profound about divorce—and life in general. Every week, I field the same questions from clients: "How do I know when it's time to divorce?" "When is the best time to start the process?" "Should I wait until after the holidays, or until the kids are older, or until work settles down?" Here's what I've learned after years of coaching and my own personal experience: there is no perfect time to start. But the person willing to begin anyway despite the uncertainty, despite the fear, despite all the reasons to wait, that person holds the key to their own transformation. The Myth of Perfect Timing
We live in a culture obsessed with timing. We wait for the "right" moment to change jobs, start families, buy homes, or end marriages that no longer serve us. But when it comes to divorce, this obsession with perfect timing can become a prison that keeps us trapped in unhappy situations far longer than necessary.
I remember my own story. I spent over a year knowing my marriage was over, yet I kept finding reasons to postpone the inevitable conversation. First, it was the holidays: "I can't ruin Christmas." Then it was my spouse's work stress: "This isn't a good time for them." Next, it was the new business: "Let's wait until summer." The list was endless, and each excuse felt completely valid in the moment. What I didn't realize then was that I wasn't actually protecting anyone by waiting. I was simply prolonging everyone's pain, including my own. The "perfect" time I was waiting for? It was never going to come. 
The Questions That Keep You Stuck
Let me address the most common timing questions I hear, because chances are, you've asked yourself at least one of these:
"How do I know when it's time to divorce?"
This is perhaps the most common question I receive from people contemplating divorce, and it assumes there's a clear, definitive moment when divorce becomes the obvious choice. In reality, it's usually a gradual realization that grows stronger over time.
Common signs it may be time to consider divorce:
Many people spend years in this contemplation phase, hoping things will magically improve or waiting for some external sign that makes the decision easier. But clarity often comes from taking action and gathering information, not from waiting for perfect certainty. "When is the best time to divorce?"
This question suggests there's an optimal window for divorce, like a seasonal sale or a stock market opportunity. But divorce isn't a strategic business decision—it's a deeply personal choice about your life and happiness.
I've seen people wait for various "perfect" moments:
The real answer: The best time to divorce is when you've made the decision that your current situation is no longer acceptable, regardless of external circumstances. There will always be something on the horizon that makes "now" seem inconvenient.
"Should I Wait to Divorce Until My Kids Are Older?"
This specific timing question deserves its own attention because it's one of the most common reasons people delay divorce.
Here's what the research and my experience tell us: Children are remarkably resilient, but they're also remarkably perceptive. They sense the tension, unhappiness, and disconnection in your home, even when you think you're hiding it well. What children actually need:
Additionally, the stress of living in a dysfunctional marriage affects your ability to be the parent you want to be. When you're emotionally depleted, you have less patience, energy, and joy to give your children. "Should I Wait Until After the Holidays to File for Divorce?"
Another common timing question revolves around holidays, birthdays, and special occasions. The desire to avoid "ruining" these events is understandable and comes from a place of compassion.
However, consider this: If your marriage is already struggling, the holidays may already feel strained. Forcing everyone to participate in holiday cheer while your marriage is crumbling can feel more dishonest than addressing the reality of your situation. A more helpful approach: Rather than asking "Should I wait until after the holidays?", ask yourself:
The Cost of Waiting
While you're searching for the perfect moment, real costs accumulate. These aren't just financial (though staying in an unhappy marriage certainly has economic implications), but emotional, psychological, and even physical costs.
The hidden costs of delaying your decision: For you: The stress of living in an incompatible marriage affects your health, career performance, friendships, and relationship with yourself. Chronic stress from an unhappy marriage can manifest as anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and physical health issues. Every day you wait is another day you're not investing in building the life you actually want. For your children: You're modeling an unhappy relationship. You're teaching them that this is what love looks like, what marriage should be. Children learn more from what they observe than what we tell them. If you stay in a marriage that makes you miserable, you're showing them that's acceptable and even expected. For your future: The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to envision and create a different life. You may also face more complicated financial situations as assets grow more intertwined, or find yourself delaying important life goals and dreams indefinitely. Financially: Many people are surprised to learn that educated, prepared divorcers actually spend less on their divorces. My clients save an average of $17,000 compared to national averages because they understand their options, avoid common pitfalls, and make informed decisions that prevent costly mistakes. The Power of Imperfect Action
Here's what I've learned from working with hundreds of divorcing individuals: the people who fare best aren't those who wait for perfect conditions. They're the ones who start before they feel ready, who take action despite uncertainty, who begin the journey even when the path isn't completely clear.
This might seem counterintuitive. We're taught to plan, to be certain, to have all our ducks in a row before making major life changes. But divorce requires a different approach: informed action rather than perfect certainty. Starting doesn't mean you have to file papers tomorrow. It means you begin gathering information. It means you start having honest conversations with yourself about what you want your life to look like. It means you begin building the knowledge and support system you'll need for the journey ahead. When I finally stopped waiting for the perfect moment and started taking action, even small actions like researching divorce processes and talking to a counselor, everything began to shift. I felt empowered instead of victimized, proactive instead of reactive. 
Your Standing Invitation To A Better Future
That quote I mentioned at the beginning isn't just pretty words; it's a fundamental truth about how change happens. The moment you decide you're willing to start, regardless of imperfect circumstances, you accept an invitation to a different future.
This invitation doesn't guarantee an easy path. Divorce is challenging under the best circumstances. But it guarantees that you're moving toward something instead of remaining stuck in something that isn't working. Your willingness to begin, to take that first step, however small, is what opens the door to possibilities you can't even imagine yet. Maybe it's rediscovering who you are outside of an unhappy marriage. Maybe it's creating a healthier environment for your children. Maybe it's finally being able to breathe freely again. Where to Begin: Your First Step Toward Divorce with Dignity
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself in these words, you might be wondering: "Okay, I'm ready to start, but what does that actually look like?"
The first step is education. Understanding the divorce process, knowing your options, and learning what to expect can transform overwhelming fear into manageable challenges. Knowledge truly is power, especially when you're facing something as complex as divorce. What you need to learn before filing for divorce:
The Trail Guide includes:
You can start gathering information privately and confidentially, building your knowledge and confidence before you take any public steps. This is the lowest-risk, highest-reward first step you can take. 
Taking the First Step Forward
I've walked this path myself, and I've guided hundreds of others through their own journeys. What I've learned is that the courage to start: imperfectly, incompletely, but authentically, is often the most important step in the entire process.
Your better future isn't waiting for perfect conditions. It's waiting for you to accept the invitation that's always been there, ready for you to claim it the moment you're willing to begin. The person who is willing to start has a standing invitation to a better future. That person could be you. That time could be now. Remember: there's no perfect time to start, but there's no better time than today to begin building the life you actually want to live. Your future self is waiting, and the invitation is always open.
Ready to take your first step? My Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity provides comprehensive, expert-led education about the divorce process that you can access immediately and work through at your own pace. Learn about your options, understand what to expect, and gain the confidence to move forward with clarity and dignity. Because the best time to start learning about your future is right now.
The most dangerous phrase in any major life transition? "How hard can it be?"
The people who get blindsided in divorce aren't the ones who admit their knowledge gaps upfront. They're the ones who think they can figure it out as they go, armed with nothing but Google searches and advice from their divorced friend Sarah.
The Real Cost of Flying Blind Through Divorce
Let me paint you a picture of what "figuring it out alone" actually looks like in practice.
The Attorney Bill Shock Sarah thought she was being resourceful by handling everything herself until the very end. She'd email her attorney every other day with questions like "What does this motion mean?" and "Should I be worried about this discovery request?" Each email generated a 15-minute billing increment. Her final attorney bill was $18,000 higher than necessary - not because her case was complex, but because she was paying attorney rates for education she could have gotten elsewhere. The Mediation Meltdown Tom walked into mediation completely unprepared. He hadn't organized his financial documents, didn't understand the difference between marital and separate property, and had no idea what questions to ask about his wife's 401k. The mediator spent most of the first session explaining basic concepts that Tom should have understood beforehand. What should have been a two-session process stretched to five sessions, and Tom left feeling like he'd agreed to things he didn't fully understand. The Timeline Reality Check Jennifer assumed her divorce would take "maybe three months" because that's what her neighbor's divorce took. She didn't realize her neighbor had an uncontested divorce with no kids and minimal assets, while Jennifer was dealing with a business valuation, custody disputes, and a spouse who was suddenly hiding assets. Eighteen months later, she was still in discovery, having burned through her initial legal budget and her emotional reserves. The Social Fallout Mark thought his friends would rally around him during his divorce. Instead, he lost half his social circle when mutual friends felt forced to "pick sides." He had no idea this was coming and no strategy for maintaining the relationships that mattered most. The isolation hit him harder than the financial stress. This is what happens when you don't know what you don't know. You end up paying more, taking longer, and suffering more than necessary - all while getting worse outcomes. 
The Hidden Architecture of Divorce: What You're Really Up Against
Here's the thing about divorce: it's not just a legal process. It's a complex system with moving parts that most people never see coming.
The Legal Timeline Doesn't Match Real Life Most states require a waiting period between filing and finalizing a divorce - typically 60 to 180 days. But that's just the minimum legal timeline. The actual timeline depends on discovery (the process of gathering financial information), mediation scheduling, court availability, and how cooperative your spouse decides to be. In contested cases, you're looking at 12-18 months minimum, sometimes longer. The Discovery Process Is a Deep Dive Discovery isn't just "gather some bank statements." It can include interrogatories (written questions under oath), requests for document production, depositions, and subpoenas to third parties. This process can uncover financial information you never knew existed - both good and bad. One client discovered her husband had been hiding cryptocurrency investments. Another found out about $40,000 in credit card debt she knew nothing about. Mediation Isn't Just "Sitting Down and Talking" Successful mediation requires preparation, strategy, and understanding of your negotiation priorities. You need to know your financial situation inside and out, understand the legal standards that would apply if you went to court, and have a clear sense of what you can and cannot live with in a settlement. The Guardian ad Litem (GAL) Wild Card If you have children and can't agree on custody arrangements, the court might appoint a Guardian ad Litem. This is a neutral third party who investigates and makes recommendations about what's in the children's best interests. This person will interview you, your ex, your kids, and sometimes teachers, therapists, or other people in your children's lives. Knowing how to interact with a GAL can make or break your custody outcome. The Emotional Tsunami Even in "amicable" divorces, you'll likely experience grief, anger, fear, and relief, sometimes all in the same day! Your spouse might become someone you don't recognize. Your kids might act out or withdraw. Your own decision-making ability might feel compromised. This isn't a character flaw; it's a normal response to major life upheaval. The "One Step at a Time" Approach: Your Roadmap Through the Unknown
When clients tell me they're overwhelmed by everything they don't know, I tell them what I'm telling you: We don't have to figure it all out at once. Divorce has a natural progression, and understanding that flow makes everything more manageable.
Phase 1: Assessment and Preparation (Months 1-2) Before you file anything, before you hire anyone, you need to understand your current situation. This means gathering financial documents, understanding your assets and debts, thinking through your goals for custody and support, and getting emotionally prepared for what's ahead. This is also when you should be interviewing attorneys and deciding on your approach (collaborative divorce, mediation, traditional litigation). Phase 2: Filing and Initial Discovery (Months 2-6) Once you file for divorce (or respond to a filing), the formal legal process begins. This includes serving papers, filing responses, and beginning the discovery process. You'll start gathering detailed financial information, and temporary orders might be put in place for things like child support, spousal support, and custody arrangements. Phase 3: Full Discovery and Negotiation (Months 6-12) This is often the longest phase, where you're gathering comprehensive financial information, potentially getting appraisals on property or businesses, and working toward settlement negotiations. This might involve mediation sessions, collaborative meetings, or more formal legal negotiations. Phase 4: Resolution and Finalization (Months 12-18) Whether through settlement or trial, this is where the final decisions get made and the divorce decree gets entered. Even "simple" divorces rarely wrap up in less than 6 months, and complex cases can take much longer. Phase 5: Post-Decree Adjustments (Ongoing) Divorce doesn't end with the final decree. There will be practical matters to handle (changing beneficiaries, dividing retirement accounts, selling the house), and potentially future modifications if circumstances change significantly. 
The Divorce Questions You Didn't Know to Ask
One of the most valuable things I do for clients is help them ask better questions, both of their attorney and of themselves. Here are some of the "unknown unknowns" that catch people off guard:
Financial Discovery Questions:
Why Going Your Divorce Alone Costs More Than Getting Help
I know what you might be thinking: "Katie, I can't afford to hire both an attorney AND a divorce coach." But here's the math that might surprise you:
Attorney Time vs. Coach Time Attorneys bill at $300-500+ per hour. I coach at a fraction of that rate. When you use attorney time to understand basic divorce concepts, ask clarifying questions, and work through emotional challenges, you're paying premium rates for services that can be handled more efficiently and cost-effectively elsewhere. Preparation Pays Off Clients who come to mediation or collaborative meetings well-prepared get better outcomes in fewer sessions. One client saved thousands in attorney fees (and months of stress) because we spent two hours preparing her negotiation strategy beforehand and mediation was 100% successful. Another avoided a costly custody battle because I coached her on how to present her co-parenting plan effectively to her attorney. Avoiding Costly Mistakes The most expensive mistakes in divorce are the ones you make because you didn't know better. Agreeing to terms you don't understand. Missing deadlines that hurt your case. Saying the wrong thing in a deposition. Taking a settlement that sounds good but isn't actually fair. These mistakes can cost tens of thousands of dollars and years of regret. The Emotional Cost Beyond the financial costs, going it alone often means more stress, more conflict, and worse relationships with your ex-spouse after the divorce. That impacts your kids, your mental health, and your ability to move forward. The divorce process is hard enough when you know what you're doing. When you're figuring it out as you go, it can be devastating. 
The Power of Having a Guide Who's Been There
Think about the last time you traveled somewhere completely new. You could have wandered around, hoped for the best, and eventually figured out how to get where you were going. Or you could have used GPS, asked locals for recommendations, and had a much smoother journey.
Divorce is the same way. You can eventually figure it out on your own, but the cost: financial, emotional, and relational, is usually much higher than necessary. When you work with me, you're not just getting someone who knows the divorce process. You're getting someone who understands the emotional journey, who can help you ask the right questions at the right times, and who can help you avoid the pitfalls that catch most people off guard. I help you prepare for the important conversations - whether that's with your attorney, your mediator, your Guardian ad Litem, or your ex-spouse. We practice the hard questions, role-play difficult scenarios, and make sure you're showing up as your best self when it matters most. I help you understand what's normal and what's not - both in terms of the legal process and your emotional reactions. Divorce makes most people feel like they're losing their minds sometimes. Having someone who can normalize that experience and help you navigate it makes all the difference. I help you save money with your attorney by making sure you're prepared, informed, and asking the right questions. Your attorney should be advocating for you in negotiations and court, not explaining basic concepts you could have learned elsewhere. I help you maintain perspective when everything feels overwhelming. Divorce is a temporary process that leads to a new chapter of your life. When you're in the thick of it, it's hard to remember that. Having someone who can remind you of the bigger picture is invaluable. 
Your Next Step Is Simple
If you're reading this and thinking "This is exactly how I feel," you're not alone. That sense of not knowing what you don't know is completely normal and actually shows good judgment on your part.
The question isn't whether you need guidance through this process. The question is whether you want to figure it out the expensive, stressful way, or whether you want to do it with support, clarity, and confidence. I'm not going to tell you that working with me will make your divorce painless. Divorce is inherently difficult. But I can promise that it doesn't have to be as overwhelming, expensive, or damaging as it often becomes when people try to navigate it alone. Your divorce is going to happen with or without proper guidance. The only question is what it's going to cost you financially, emotionally, and relationally along the way. Ready to stop feeling overwhelmed by what you don't know? Let's have a conversation about what you do need to know, when you need to know it, and how to get there with less stress and better outcomes. Because here's what I've learned from working with hundreds of clients: The people who get the best results in divorce aren't necessarily the smartest or the toughest. They're the ones who are willing to admit what they don't know and get the right support to figure it out. And that willingness to seek guidance? That's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of wisdom.
Ready to move from overwhelm to clarity? Schedule a consultation call where we can talk through your specific situation and create a roadmap for moving forward. Because you don't have to figure this out alone.
Why "I've Already Paid Them So Much" Isn't a Good Reason to Stay with a Bad Divorce Lawyer
In Part 1 of this series, we explored how the sunk cost fallacy can keep you trapped in an unhappy marriage longer than necessary. Today, we're tackling another crucial area where this psychological trap wreaks havoc: your relationship with your divorce attorney.
If you've ever thought, "I've already paid this lawyer $10,000—switching now would mean all that money was wasted," you've encountered the sunk cost fallacy in action. This thinking error doesn't disappear once you decide to divorce—it often resurfaces in one of the most critical relationships during your divorce process. 
The Attorney Sunk Cost Trap: A Common but Costly Mistake
"I Can't Switch Lawyers Now—I'd Be Starting from Scratch"
Michael came to me six months into his divorce proceedings, visibly frustrated and stressed. "My attorney rarely returns my calls, seems unprepared for court appearances, and has already billed me $15,000. But I'm afraid to switch lawyers—I'd be starting from scratch, and all that money would be completely wasted!" Sound familiar? This scenario plays out in divorce cases across the country every day. Clients stay with ineffective attorneys not because they're satisfied with the representation, but because they've already invested significant money, time, and emotional energy in the relationship. Understanding Why Changing Attorneys Feels So Difficult
The sunk cost fallacy hits particularly hard with attorney relationships because of multiple types of investment:
Financial Investment - Legal retainers often start at $5,000-$15,000, with hourly rates of $300-$600 or more. These represent substantial monetary sunk costs that feel "wasted" if you switch. Time Investment - Hours spent explaining your situation, sharing intimate details about your marriage, and building what you hoped would be a productive working relationship. Emotional Investment - The vulnerability of sharing personal details about your marriage breakdown, your fears about the future, and your hopes for the outcome. Knowledge Investment - The assumption that your current attorney knows the nuances of your case better than anyone else could. Fear of Transition Costs - Concerns about paying a new retainer, explaining everything again, and potentially prolonging an already stressful process. The True Cost of Staying with the Wrong Attorney
While the financial costs of switching attorneys are immediate and visible, the costs of staying with an ineffective attorney are often much larger—but hidden.
Consider these potential consequences: Extended Divorce Proceedings An ineffective attorney may unnecessarily prolong your divorce by months or even years through:
You may receive significantly less favorable terms in your final divorce decree due to:
Increased Total Costs
Ironically, staying with an inefficient attorney often costs substantially more in the long run:
The psychological toll of working with an unresponsive or incompetent attorney includes:
Red Flags: When Sunk Cost Thinking May Be Keeping You with the Wrong Attorney
Ask yourself these honest questions about your current legal representation:
Communication and Responsiveness
When It Makes Financial Sense to Change Divorce Attorneys
Contrary to popular belief, changing attorneys mid-divorce is neither uncommon nor necessarily costly. Here's why switching can actually save you money:
Your Investment Isn't Lost
Let's look at a real example: Sarah had paid her first attorney $12,000 over eight months with little progress. Her divorce seemed no closer to resolution, and mounting bills were creating financial stress. She worried that switching would "waste" the $12,000. After switching to a more effective attorney (requiring a $7,000 retainer), her case resolved within four months. Total investment: $19,000 for a completed divorce. Had she stayed with her original attorney, conservative estimates suggested at least 12 more months and $15,000+ additional fees—for a total exceeding $27,000 with no guarantee of better outcomes. The "sunk cost" of switching actually saved Sarah over $8,000. 
How to Determine: Bad Attorney or Communication Issues?
Before deciding to switch attorneys, it's important to determine whether your concerns can be addressed through improved communication. Some problems can be resolved without changing representation.
Questions to Ask Yourself First Is this a communication problem?
Some issues indicate fundamental problems that are unlikely to improve:
Making the Transition: How to Change Attorneys Smoothly
If you decide to switch attorneys, these steps will minimize disruption and costs:
Before You Hire New Counsel
How Divorce Coaching Supports Attorney Transitions
As a divorce coach, I frequently help clients navigate attorney relationships and transitions. Here's how coaching support can make this process smoother and more effective:
Objective Attorney Evaluation
Conclusion: Your Legal Representation Should Serve Your Future, Not Your Past
The sunk cost fallacy can trap you in ineffective attorney relationships just as powerfully as it can trap you in unhappy marriages. Remember that money already spent on legal fees cannot be recovered regardless of your future decisions—but your future legal outcomes absolutely can be improved with better representation.
Making Forward-Focused Legal Decisions The key questions aren't "How much have I already invested in this attorney?" but rather:
A divorce settlement affects your financial security, custody arrangements, and future life for years to come. Protecting these long-term interests is infinitely more important than validating past attorney fees through continued poor representation. Don't Let Sunk Costs Compromise Your Future If your current attorney isn't serving your best interests, every additional day and dollar spent continues the problem rather than solving it. The "waste" isn't in the money you've already spent—it's in the money you continue spending on ineffective representation and the opportunities you miss for better outcomes. 
How I Help Clients Navigate Attorney Relationships
As a divorce coach specializing in helping clients make clear-headed decisions about their legal representation, I provide:
Ready to Evaluate Your Legal Representation Objectively?
If you're questioning your current attorney's performance but worried about the costs of changing, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can objectively evaluate your situation and develop a strategy that serves your future interests rather than validating past investments.
Don't let the sunk cost fallacy compromise your divorce outcome. Your future matters more than your past legal fees.
Missed Part 1? Read "The Sunk Cost Fallacy in Divorce: Why 'Years Invested' Shouldn't Keep You in an Unhappy Marriage" to learn how this same psychological trap affects marriage decisions.
When people ask me why I chose to become a Certified Divorce Coach in Peoria, Illinois, I often share a story that changed my perspective on how we support people through one of life's most challenging transitions.
The Moment That Changed Everything
I had noticed my friend wasn't herself. For weeks, she seemed distracted, emotionally drained, and constantly on the verge of tears. Despite our close relationship, she kept whatever was troubling her hidden behind a brave smile and quick change of subject whenever I inquired.
One evening over coffee, I finally asked her directly what was wrong. Her composure crumbled as she confided that she was going through an incredibly difficult divorce. Her husband's multiple affairs had left her emotionally devastated, and now she was drowning in the overwhelming complexity of the Illinois divorce process. "I'm completely lost," she admitted. "My attorney speaks a language I don't understand. I'm afraid to call his office because every time I do, I end up more confused and with another expensive bill. I don't know my rights, my options, or even what questions I should be asking." Her situation struck a chord with me. Here was an intelligent, capable woman reduced to anxiety and confusion during one of the most pivotal moments of her life. She was making life-altering decisions without proper guidance or emotional support. I offered to help by reviewing her paperwork, accompanying her to her next meeting with her attorney, and creating a structured approach to her divorce. With my background in finance, organization and advocacy, I thought I could at least provide a second set of ears and a clear head. The difference was remarkable. During the meeting, I took detailed notes, asked clarifying questions her attorney hadn't addressed in a way she could understand, and helped translate legal jargon into understandable terms. Afterward, we developed a clear action plan with specific steps and timelines. Within months, her divorce was settled—with terms far more favorable than she had initially thought possible. More importantly, she regained her sense of control and confidence through the process. "You were my divorce coach before I even knew that existed," she told me later. "Without you, I would have accepted so much less for myself and my future." Her words planted a seed that would change my professional trajectory. My Own Divorce Journey in Central Illinois
What made me particularly suited to help my friend was my own experience with divorce. Years before, I had walked a similar path. I married my high school sweetheart after dating for four years through high school and college. We were driven individuals with similar personalities, graduating college in just three years to jumpstart our careers and achieve our goals faster.
But as we grew up, we grew apart—quickly. While our Illinois divorce was mostly amicable, it was still profoundly painful. The life I thought I knew and the couple I thought we were didn't match reality. I had to completely reinvent myself. Looking back, I can admit something I rarely shared: I floundered. I failed. I messed up. I didn't recognize myself. Though family and friends (the ones who stuck around) provided wonderful support, their advice inevitably came with heavy doses of emotion and bias. My lawyer knew we wanted an amicable divorce but offered no guidance about my blind spots or the emotional journey ahead. What I needed—what I desperately wished for—was a divorce coach near me in Peoria, someone who could have guided me with both expertise and compassion. Although I eventually found my way through, the journey could have been far less painful and disorienting with proper guidance. Recognizing a Critical Gap in Divorce Support
That personal experience, combined with helping my friend years later, highlighted something that had been hiding in plain sight: We have wedding planners who help people organize a single day of celebration, but where are the "divorce planners" to guide people through a process with far greater consequences for their future?
The more I looked into it, the more I realized how many people were navigating the Peoria divorce process—and divorces throughout Illinois and beyond—without proper support. Attorneys provide essential legal guidance but aren't trained to handle the emotional aspects of divorce or to educate clients on the practical implications of different decisions. Friends and family offer emotional support but rarely understand the legal complexities involved. This gap leaves many people feeling isolated and overwhelmed during divorce, often leading to poor decisions made from emotional reactivity rather than clear-headed planning. The consequences can impact finances, parent-child relationships, and emotional well-being for years to come. From Informal Support to Certified Divorce Coach
After years of informally helping friends through their divorces in Central Illinois, I realized I could make a greater impact with professional training. That's when I discovered the Certified Divorce Coach designation—a professional certification specifically designed to train individuals to guide others through the complex divorce journey.
The certification process was rigorous and comprehensive, covering:
What Does a Divorce Coach Do?
Many people in Peoria and throughout Illinois ask me, "What does a divorce coach do?" It's a fair question, since the role is still unfamiliar to many. Unlike attorneys who represent your legal interests or therapists who help heal emotional wounds, a divorce coach serves as a knowledgeable guide through the entire divorce process.
As a Certified Divorce Coach, I: Provide education about the divorce process - Many clients are facing divorce for the first time and don't know what to expect. I explain the steps involved in an Illinois divorce, typical timelines, and what documents and information they'll need to gather. Help clients organize and prioritize - Divorce involves countless decisions and tasks. I help clients create structured plans and organize information so they can approach the process methodically rather than reactively. Prepare clients for meetings with attorneys - By helping clients understand legal terminology and prepare questions in advance, I make attorney consultations more productive and cost-effective. Serve as an objective sounding board - During emotional moments, having someone who understands the process but isn't personally involved can help clients make clearer decisions. Assist with communication strategies - Whether communicating with an ex-spouse, attorneys, or other professionals, I help clients express themselves effectively and reduce unnecessary conflict. Support emotional well-being - While I'm not a therapist, I provide space for processing emotions and, when needed, can refer clients to appropriate mental health resources. Guide post-divorce adjustment - The work doesn't end when the papers are signed. I help clients transition to their new normal with practical strategies for rebuilding life after divorce. Clarify complex paperwork - My clients gain clarity on the Financial Affidavit, Parenting Plan, and all the other paperwork they receive from their attorney. This understanding empowers them to make informed decisions rather than signing documents they don't fully comprehend. Why Should I Hire a Divorce Coach?
When facing divorce in Peoria or anywhere in Illinois, you might wonder if hiring a divorce coach is necessary. After all, isn't that what attorneys are for?
The reality is that divorce involves much more than legal proceedings. It's a multifaceted transition that affects every aspect of your life—emotional, financial, social, and practical. Here's why working with a Certified Divorce Coach can make a profound difference: Financial efficiency - By helping you prepare for attorney meetings and understand legal concepts in advance, a divorce coach can significantly reduce your legal bills. Attorneys typically charge $300+ per hour, while divorce coaching is more affordable and helps you use attorney time more efficiently. Emotional clarity - Divorce triggers intense emotions that can cloud judgment. A divorce coach helps you separate emotions from decisions, leading to choices you'll feel good about long-term. Personalized guidance - Unlike the one-size-fits-all information found online, a divorce coach provides advice tailored to your specific situation and the particular nuances of Illinois divorce law. Reduced conflict - With strategies for effective communication and negotiation, a divorce coach can help prevent the escalation of conflict, potentially turning a high-conflict situation into a more cooperative one. Better outcomes - Clients who work with divorce coaches often report more satisfying settlements, smoother co-parenting transitions, and faster emotional recovery. Post-divorce success - Divorce coaching doesn't just help during the divorce itself; it equips you with tools and perspectives that support your well-being long after the legal process ends. Navigating blind spots - My own divorce taught me that we all have blind spots—things we can't see because we're too close to the situation. A divorce coach helps identify and address these blind spots before they create long-term problems. One client summarized it perfectly: "My attorney told me what I could do legally. My therapist helped me process my grief. But my divorce coach showed me how to actually navigate the process day by day and build a new life I'm excited about."
The Gift of Divorcing Well
One of the most rewarding aspects of my work as a Certified Divorce Coach is witnessing what I call "the gift of divorcing well." When clients come to me, they're often overwhelmed and uncertain about their future. By the end of our work together, they've achieved something remarkable: a divorce process handled with dignity and intention.
My clients understand what comes next in the Family Law courts of Illinois. They have clarity on every document and decision. Most importantly, they remain focused forward on the end result: an amicable but fair divorce. A divorce in which they can coparent effectively if they have children or grandchildren. A divorce where they are financially stable and independent. A divorce that allows them to live the rest of their post-divorce life peacefully. This transformation—from confusion and fear to confidence and clarity—is the true gift of working with a divorce coach. It's not just about getting through the divorce; it's about emerging from the process with a foundation for a fulfilling new chapter. Divorce Coaching in Peoria, Illinois: A Local Perspective
While divorce follows similar patterns everywhere, the specifics of Illinois divorce law create unique challenges and opportunities for Peoria residents. As a Certified Divorce Coach practicing in this community, I've developed specialized knowledge of local resources, court procedures, and professional networks that can benefit my clients.
Understanding the Peoria family court system, knowing which local attorneys specialize in different types of cases, and being familiar with the financial implications of divorce in our specific economic context allows me to provide more targeted guidance than someone without local experience. Beyond the practical aspects, there's also value in working with someone who understands the community context of divorce in Peoria. I'm familiar with the unique challenges of rebuilding social connections in our area, navigating co-parenting within our school systems, and addressing the financial realities of post-divorce life in Central Illinois. 
Life After Divorce: My Personal Renaissance
Today, my life looks vastly different from those difficult days during and after my divorce. I've rebuilt a life I love in Peoria—one filled with hiking local trails, reading historical novels (my personal escape), enjoying good coffee, and mixing creative cocktails for our weekly Friday Pizza Nights. My sweet husband and kids love to travel and find adventure whenever we can!
This renaissance didn't happen automatically. It took time, effort, and intentional choices to create a new life that reflected my authentic self rather than the person I thought I needed to be in my marriage. This personal journey informs how I coach my clients—not to recreate my path, but to find their own way forward with greater ease than I experienced. 
The Journey Forward
Becoming a Certified Divorce Coach wasn't just a career change for me—it was a calling inspired by both my personal experience and witnessing the struggles others face during divorce. I've seen firsthand the profound difference that proper support can make.
Every client I work with reinforces my conviction that divorce coaching fills a critical gap in our support systems. When people navigate divorce with clear guidance, they not only survive the process but often emerge stronger, wiser, and ready to build meaningful new chapters in their lives. If you're facing divorce in Peoria or anywhere in Illinois, remember that you don't have to walk this path alone or in confusion. A Certified Divorce Coach can be the difference between a divorce that drains you of energy, resources, and hope, and one that—while still challenging—leads to growth and new possibilities. The divorce process may not be something anyone wishes to experience, but with proper support, it can become a transition led with dignity, clarity, and ultimately, hope for the future. If you're ready to see if taking the next best step by hiring a Certified Divorce Coach, schedule a Free Consultation with me. We'll talk about where you are, where you want to go and how I can help you get there. 
The Sunk Cost Fallacy in Divorce: Why "Years Invested" Shouldn't Keep You in an Unhappy Marriage4/27/2025 Understanding the Hidden Psychology That Keeps You Stuck in Unhappy Relationships
As a divorce coach, I've witnessed countless clients struggle with this exact challenge. Today, I want to shed light on how this common thinking error affects decisions about whether to end a marriage, and provide practical guidance on how to overcome it.
What Is the Sunk Cost Fallacy and Why Does It Matter in Divorce?
How Common Is This Mental Trap in Divorce Situations?
Very common. Research suggests that the average person contemplating divorce considers it for 2-3 years before taking action. Many stay unhappily married for 5+ years before finally making the decision. The sunk cost fallacy is frequently at the heart of this delay.
Part 1: The Marriage Time Investment Trap"I've Given This Marriage 17 Years—I Can't Just Throw That Away". Jane (name changed) came to me after 17 years of marriage. "I've been unhappy for at least ten years," she admitted. "But every time I think about leaving, I can't help thinking about all the time I've already invested. Seventeen years is nearly half my life! If I leave now, wasn't it all just a waste?" This perspective is completely understandable—and extraordinarily common among people considering divorce. The longer the marriage, the stronger this feeling tends to be. The Mathematical and Emotional Reality of Staying for Sunk Costs
When we examine Jane's situation through the lens of the sunk cost fallacy, an important truth emerges: Those 17 years are gone regardless of what she does next. They cannot be "saved" or "validated" by staying in an unhappy relationship.
Let's look at this mathematically: If Jane stays in her unhappy marriage for another 20 years (until age 65), she will have spent 37 years in an unfulfilling relationship. If she moves forward with divorce now, she will have spent 17 years in that relationship, followed by potentially 20 years of a more fulfilling life—whether single or in a healthier partnership. The question becomes: Which future do you want for yourself? 
Reframing Your Marriage Investment: Lessons vs. Losses
An essential step in overcoming the sunk cost fallacy is reframing how we view our past investments. Consider these perspectives:
Why We Struggle with "Cutting Our Losses" in Marriage
Beyond the sunk cost fallacy, several factors make it particularly difficult to move on from unhappy marriages:
Breaking Free: How to Overcome Marriage Sunk CostsFocus on Future Value, Not Past Investment
The key question isn't "How much have I already invested?" but rather "What will my future look like if I stay versus if I leave?"
Professional divorce coaches recommend these reflection exercises:
Signs the Sunk Cost Fallacy Is Keeping You in an Unhappy Marriage
How Divorce Coaching Can Help You Move Forward
Working with a divorce coach provides crucial support for moving past the sunk cost mentality:
Investing in Your Future, Not Your PastThe sunk cost fallacy affects nearly everyone during major life transitions like divorce. Recognizing when past investments are influencing your decisions about the future is the first step toward making choices that truly serve your long-term happiness. Remember that the goal isn't to validate your past investments but to make the best choices for your future self. Your happiness matters, and it's never too late to change direction when something isn't working. Your Divorce Journey Doesn't Have to Be Defined by Past Investments
As a divorce coach, I specialize in helping clients break free from sunk cost thinking and make clear-headed decisions about their futures. My clients learn to:
Ready to Move Forward Without the Weight of Sunk Costs?If you're struggling with divorce decisions due to concerns about "wasted" investments in your marriage, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can explore strategies to overcome sunk cost thinking and create a path forward that focuses on your future well-being rather than past investments. Remember: The best time to make a positive change in your life is when you first recognize the need. The second best time is now. Are you ready? Click this button to schedule a free consultation! Coming Soon: The Sunk Cost Fallacy Part 2 - When It's Time to Change Your Divorce AttorneyIn my next blog post, I'll tackle another common sunk cost trap in the divorce process: staying with the wrong attorney because you've already invested thousands of dollars. I'll share strategies for determining whether you need a new lawyer or just better communication, how to transition attorneys smoothly if needed, and how divorce coaching can support you through this challenging aspect of the divorce journey. Don't miss this crucial follow-up that could save you significant money, time, and stress during your divorce proceedings! |
