how to help a friend through a divorce

Well, Hello again!  I think our family is FINALLY done passing sickness around. Have you had to deal with that too?  I feel like someone has been sick since the New Year and I’m glad we’re on the other side of it (hopefully!)  We have some exciting things planned for the next couple of weeks that I’ll share about more once they’re complete. For now I’m working hard to get ahead on some projects.  I'm also excited to see signs of Spring in my garden again. Gardening is one of my favorite self-indulgences and best therapy in my opinion!

You may remember last fall I launched my divorce course “Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity.”  It was a massive undertaking!  I’m so glad to have it out there in the universe for anyone who wants a quick, straightforward and inexpensive guide to the divorce process. It’s perfect for someone who needs to divorce on a budget especially!  I cover all of the topics that you could possibly need with the exception of how to talk to your spouse about divorce. I hope to record a video on that topic soon that not only will be added to the course, but available for anyone who needs it.  I’m thinking about hosting it on YouTube with a link from my website.  All of this tech side of running a business is not normally in my wheelhouse but I think I’m getting better at it!  

Up until now I’ve hosted my course on Thinkific but I’m making the transition to host it privately. If you have already purchased it on Thinkific, or still want to, you'll still have full access to it wherever it gets transitioned to. It will either be passcoded on my website or it will be a Google Folder download.  I’d love any suggestions you might have on that for me!  

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I’ve also been considering creating a men’s divorce support group or workshop just to help men through the divorce process.  The majority of my clients are women and personally I think it’s because men sometimes have trouble asking for help. The men that do work with me are amazing! La creme de la creme of gentlemen!  They are men who are empathetic, want the best for their wives and kids, work hard and have a goal to keep improving themselves.  I know there are more guys like that out there and I hope to reach them. I think so often men feel alone during divorce. Divorce brings about a lot of shame for men and embarrassment.  They put their head down and pretend it’s not happening.  They leave it all for their attorney to manage when they really can take a much more proactive approach to divorce. I love working with men who want to divorce well so they can be empowered to do so! I think getting a focused support group together just for those men would be amazing and powerful.

And speaking of that, I’d love to talk a bit about how to not take sides during a divorce. We’ve all been there. We have a couple where each person is friends with both us and our partner.  They suddenly announce they are divorcing and we feel caught in between.  More often than not, we tend to back away and try to not get involved. In doing so, we alienate them when they need us the most. It feels impossible, doesn’t it?  How can we support our friends who are divorcing while also not taking sides?

It's so easy to fall into #teamwife and #teamhusband squads as our friends divorce, but I assure you, you do not know the whole story. You're getting a washed down version based on the perception of the spouse to whom you are closest.  Meanwhile, your spouse might very well be getting a completely DIFFERENT version from the other partner!  Don’t be surprised if this causes arguments between the two of you even! 


I can speak to this from two angles: someone who has been divorced (and witnessed the friend migration) and someone who has had friends and acquaintances divorce.

From my first perspective, it's so painful to come off of losing your spouse, your in-laws, your dreamed-of future, your home and now....your friends have left too???  I distinctly remember the feeling that many friends and even some of my extended family took the ‘side’ of my ex-husband. All they knew was that I had filed for divorce from him and that was enough to give the benefit of the doubt that he was the victim.  Not only was I navigating a painful, traumatic divorce, I was having to find a new set of friends that I could trust and enjoy spending time with.  I felt like I had to prove my worthiness to people that knew me.  That I had to explain myself.  That I was constantly being judged. All while grieving what I had lost. I was exhausted and emotionally drained.  

From my second perspective, if we have friends that are going through a divorce, I still actively have to remind myself their divorce is not my story and I don't know what their lives were really like.  Sure, I knew them both and we enjoyed their company.  Of those that have had children, they both seemed like good parents. They were always polite to each other. So how could they possibly be getting a divorce???  WHO is at fault????  

As humans we often need to find fault to justify an action that bothers us. Surely someone must have messed up.  We feel uncomfortable at other people’s hardships and struggles and it helps us manage our discomfort to place blame on someone or something, whether it’s valid or not.  It helps us sleep at night and be okay.  

But.

We need to stop doing that.  

Please be nice. In your mind you can disagree with how you THINK (yes, emphasis on ‘think’) they behaved in the marriage (remember, you weren't there!) but you can still be kind.

Please still make room for them at the table. Literally, invite them to sit with you. 

Please still talk to them at school pickup.

Please still invite them over when it's their weekend to have the kids. Especially invite them over when it’s their weekend WITHOUT the kids.

Please still offer them encouragement and acceptance. From their perspective, they are going through something equally hard as the spouse you are closer to.

The more well loved, supported and cared for each person going through a divorce feels, the better for the entire family.  When someone going through a divorce feels supported by their friends and family they often are more willing to amicably divorce and move on with their lives. They’re not as fearful of the future. They don’t dig their heels in as much to make life difficult for their ex-spouse because they have a more positive outlook on their future. You aren’t being unfaithful to your friend by being kind to their STBX.  You’re helping support them so they can be the best version of themselves for your friend and any children they have. 

XO
Katie

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