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Starting and managing the Divorce Process is overwhelming. Doing it well takes patience, understanding and sometimes, a lot of money. This is why it’s important to know who you’ll encounter along the way to help you focus on the business side of divorce with fewer surprises and avoid unexpected divorce costs.
In this post I’ll share the different professionals involved in the divorce process and help you understand the role each of them performs.
It takes awhile to understand what each professional’s role is in the divorce process, and you don’t want to wait until you have a meeting scheduled with them to learn. That’s why I put together this easy list to help you! How Do You Make the Most of Knowing What Each of These Professionals Do?![]()
Once you start the divorce process, it’s easy to feel like you’re getting swept away in a riptide. Without planning and understanding, it’s easy to feel like you’re just shuffled along with legal acronyms that you don't know their meaning.
By understanding who each of these divorce professionals are, you’ll have time to more effectively research what their purpose is, their track record and prepare for your time with them. Family Law Attorney
A Family Law Attorney is probably the first professional you’ll encounter in your divorce process.
Their purpose is to:
Paralegal/Legal Assistant![]()
A good Paralegal is PRICELESS in the divorce process. A lot of clients feel frustrated that they ‘never hear from their attorney and only get to talk to the paralegal’ but a lot of times, that’s actually a good thing! A Paralegal is usually a fraction of the hourly cost of a Family Law Attorney, and more often than not, knows just as much. While they can’t practice law, they can give you guidance on the process, the paperwork and next steps. It’s a good idea to try to get your answer first from the Paralegal before contacting your attorney.
Pro Tip: Be nice to the Paralegal! Many attorneys feel very protective of their assistants. If you’re rude or disrespectful to them, your attorney will probably hear about it. Divorce Coach
A divorce coach can be hired at any point in the process but is best if brought in earlier on. They can make much more impact in saving you from unnecessary expenses by helping you focus your energies on the next best steps. Too often emotions get the best of someone who is divorcing and they dig their heels in for an unreasonable settlement. When this happens, and their STBX doesn’t agree, the process comes to a halt and MORE professionals that cost MORE money need to be called in.
A Divorce Coach cannot offer legal advice but they will help you put your divorce together. You can think of them like a Wedding Planner or a Doula. While they won’t bake your wedding cake or actually deliver your baby, they are there to make sure you know what is happening, who to hire to help you and ensure the process keeps moving forward. You can learn more about what I do as a Divorce Coach here! Mediator![]()
When a couple is divorcing and they can’t come to an agreement fast enough on their own, with the help of their attorneys, a court ordered mediator is often hired. This mediator has been trained in accordance with Family law in your state, although they usually cannot practice law or give advice.
A mediator CAN:
1. Offer legal advice 2. Take one party's side of the other 3. Determine the best agreement without working through it with you and your spouse. Red Flag: Visits with the mediator can be frustrating. Often clients are at this point because one member of the divorcing couple has dug in their heels or an attorney has dropped the ball in negotiations. The goal of the Mediator is to UNITE but unfortunately by this point, uniting is the farthest from some people’s minds. They sometimes have irrational ideas on what they think they can get from a divorce settlement. Other times there is an emotional immaturity that prevents a unified divorce decision. FYI: The next step after this is a court case in front of a judge to decide the outcome. Using a mediator is usually a last ditch effort to work out the divorce proceedings. Going to court is expensive, time consuming and emotionally draining. GAL
This is the Guardian Ad Litem, often referred to as the GAL. The GAL’s role is to represent the children of a divorcing couple when the parents cannot come to an agreed parenting plan. The GAL is court ordered and is responsible for talking to the children as well as the parents, other family members, key people in the children’s lives, think teachers or day care providers.
Because the GAL is trying to understand a family dynamic in a short amount of time, they often ask very direct questions, which can inflame parents and make them feel like their parenting is being attacked. Pro tip: Stay calm! If you get angry or lose your temper with the GAL, that may align with what your STBX says about you and the way you parent. The GAL is there to help the children. Most parents want what is best for their children, so help the GAL reach that understanding. Approaching the GAL from a point of view of thankfulness will help you keep your emotions in check and your goals aligned. You've Got This!![]()
The divorce process is overwhelming but if you have an understanding of who you’ll encounter, it will feel less intimidating. The professionals, while expensive, are there to help you and your spouse get through the process in the smoothest way possible. The goal is divorce well and move on with your life. While sometimes it can feel validating to want to fight back and fight hard against your ex, remember that the best way to heal is to move on with your life. It is not to get stuck in a nasty, expensive legal battle that will only drain your emotions and your finances and stop you from being your best self.
About Katie VandenBerg
Katie began as a Divorce Coach after seeing the pitfalls too many friends were falling in during their divorce process. She became a Certified Divorce Coach in 2020 and has helped numerous clients have successful, low cost and amicable divorces.
She coaches her clients 1:1 and also has created a low cost and thorough course to help women and men divorce with grace and dignity while preserving their finances. If you think you're ready to divorce but feeling stuck based on some stories you've heard, check out my guide, Top Five Divorce Myths, to see if any sound familiar!
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Hello again friends! I have spent the past 5 days in beautiful Door County, Wisconsin. As I type this, it’s my last morning here. I’m hanging out for a bit before I go to the Door County Rotary Club meeting this morning. They meet for breakfast, which is perfect timing for me to visit with them before I get on the road to head home. I’ve had a wonderful time here; my first time spending a few days here completely alone. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while now but haven’t taken the time to make it happen. It always felt selfish, and I suppose it is, but it has been just what I needed to reset and reframe some perspectives that I didn’t realize were so needed! Have you ever traveled alone and left your spouse and kids for a few days? Not to travel with friends or other family, but completely alone? How was it for you? I came up because it’s "Art Drop Off" weekend at Edgewood Orchard Galleries in Fish Creek, Wisconsin. It’s such a beautiful place! The owners, JR and Nell are just delightful and always host a super fun dinner for the artists. It was the first chance since I’ve had my work there that I’ve been able to go and I’m so glad I did! The rest of the time I spent my days mostly hiking, of course. I managed to fit NINE separate hikes in four days, not counting two lovely strolls through downtown Fish Creek and on Cottage Row. I also scheduled a massage and facial and met up with a friend for dinner. It was a very filling trip but I’m very anxious to get home to see Ben and the kids! Although I don’t live here, I’ve gotten to know people and have a few friends here. I met one for dinner last night before she moves away soon. She is coming out of a tough relationship; not a marriage but still a painful breakup. She has done a lot of self work and while she’s disappointed in the situation, she knows that it’s not working and is moving on. She also has had the amazing realization that too many people NEVER become aware of: she is the only one who can make herself happy. We are the ONLY person who can fully have control over our own happiness. Not that other people can’t bring us joy and fulfillment. I love Ben. Ben’s amazing. He works hard to be kind and helpful and make my life easier. What if I wasn’t naturally happy though? Would I be open to seeing all he does and have it be an addition to my life? Or would I nitpick his efforts? Would I focus on the things he DOESN’T do? My friend commented that she has found the amazing gift of being fully herself and if that doesn’t work for someone, then OH WELL. I am so thrilled for her! It wasn’t until I had that same perspective shift after dating for about a year post divorce that I found myself completely fulfilled and ended up meeting Ben. I firmly believe that only once we turn our thoughts inward and focus our sights on our goals and passions are we ready to be open to having someone else in our life. My friend Francie with Founding Females is a business coach for women. Her mantra is ‘build your business around your life, not your life around your business’ and I would say the same thing for relationships: Build your relationship around your life, not your life around your relationship. What are you seeking? Excitement? Joy? Love? Fulfillment? Adventure? Passion? Is it there? Do you keep looking to your spouse for it? And what happens when they can't offer what you seek? Are you explosive? Sad? Angry? Lonely? You have it inside YOU. Another quote I love that connect to this is: "We carry within us the wonders we seek around us" ~Sir Thomas Browne My first husband and I met when we were 16 and 17. Never really dated anyone else and then got married during college. That was it. We had no other relationship experience. When we got divorced I really wanted to experience dating and I’m so glad I did. I wanted to learn about myself to see what I liked and didn’t like and I didn’t waste any time. If someone displayed characteristics that reminded me of my first marriage, I was done. Don’t worry, they’re all happily married themselves now and many of them I would still consider friendly acquaintances. They just weren’t for me and I was ONLY willing to allow someone into my life that fit into my life.
But Katie, that’s so selfish! Hear me out. Because I am fulfilled, I am the best wife I can be. I’m not envious or depressed about what ‘could have been.’ I am living my best life and get to share it with Ben. Because I am fulfilled, I also want really good things for Ben too and I’m willing to help him achieve his goals. We are both better off because we know we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. Does sharing a life with him bring me happiness? Absolutely. But it’s not the ONLY way I have in place to find happiness. I have fantastic connections through my weekly Rotary meetings. I pour energy into our kids’ classrooms. I find joy and peace in my pottery. I am fulfilled when I work with my clients. xo Katie Hello again! I can’t believe it’s been another week already. Spring has been flying by! I’m a member of our local Garden Club and we had our Season Kick Off meeting the other night. When we finished out last season, April felt so far off in the distant future and yet, here we are. My garden is POPPING and everything is so green from all the rain we’ve had mixed with unseasonably warm weather. I’m feeling a bit rushed to get a few projects in before we miss the spring planting season. One of those is a Conservation Project I’m diving into. I didn’t expect to be the caretaker for this section of Earth but life is funny that way and we’ve found ourselves with a nice piece of land not too far from where we live. It’s virtually untouched, minus pesticide pressure from surrounding farms. I have 250 Evergreen trees on order to plant in May to help provide wind and overspray protection but I need to get planting native seeds and grasses in an open field area sooner than later. I leave tomorrow for a trip to Door County. BY MYSELF!!!! WHAT!?. My mom and I are both artists at Edgewood Orchard Galleries and it’s the weekend to deliver our art and attend the annual Artist Dinner they put on. I’m driving separately and I’ll be staying with my mom and her husband for a few days but then they will leave and I plan to stay a few more days! I’ve always wanted to have a personal retreat but have never taken the time. Of course it comes with a lot of mom guilt and spouse guilt over leaving my family for that long. Ben is so gracious about it though and literally is happy for me to have a chance to get away. I still am amazed that I am married to him and how encouraging and supportive he is to me (and he's cute too!) It was NOT always like this for me. If you’ve read my “about me” section, you know I’ve been married before. It was ROUGH. We were young, yes, but our marriage wasn’t good. I never felt like I was good enough for him, mostly well, because he told me. I distinctly remember him telling me once that he “just wanted me to want to be a better person for HIM.” Um, that’s not how that works, buddy! There was also a lot of jealousy, especially once I opened my coffee shop. Like, if he wasn’t happy, I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I tried everything that I knew how to do as a 25 year old. Honestly, as a now 44 year old, I’m not sure what else I could have done! I invited him to the church I was attending because he never came with me. Nope, that wasn’t going to happen. I said, “let’s find a church to go to together.” Nope, not that either. Okay fine, let’s try marriage counseling. No, absolutely not interested in that. He was not interested in doing or changing anything to save our marriage. Once I realized that, and thankfully I recognized that pretty quickly, I knew there was no hope. Why should I continue to stay in a relationship when my partner didn’t care enough about me or us to work hard to save it? When the time came to tell him I was going to pursue divorce, he was LIVID. Of COURSE this was my fault. I was the one ‘ruining the marriage.’ Was I perfect? No. Absolutely not. I have no doubt I made mistakes and screwed things up too. But I had been willing to try to fix things with my spouse. Do I see this amongst my consults and clients? Heck. Yes. They will have begged with their spouse to go to marriage counseling. After a flat out refusal, or maybe if they’re lucky, a lukewarm attempt with a session or two, they are back in the same marriage cycle. They will have pleaded with their spouse to work together to fix their marriage, only to find themselves being the only one making the effort. Oftentimes the spouse will try for a week and then hit their limit and fall back into their old behaviors. My belief is that the offending spouse actually WANTS a divorce too but doesn’t want to be ‘The Bad Guy’ or look bad to their family, friends and co-workers by filing. They are protecting their ego by staying married. They would rather drive YOU to the point of filing so YOU can be “The Bad Guy.” I was willing to take the fall for the sake of the rest of my life. Some clients call me ready to go. They get it. This is going to be a cycle. Usually if children are involved it takes longer for them to come to that conclusion because they are concerned about their well-being. Once they acknowledge that the example of a marriage they are setting for their children is toxic and NOT one they would wish on their children, they understand that the next step must be to file for divorce. Others though, not so much. They will call me after YEARS of this cycle. YEARS of begging their spouse to attend therapy. YEARS of feeling humiliated. YEARS of being broken down and desperate. At this point, I like to call this being “Addicted to Saving your Marriage.” It becomes an obsession or addiction like gambling. They put in, figuratively speaking, thousands of dollars into their marriage to only get an occasional $10 or $20 in return. Those $10’s and $20’s spark hope. They get a small amount of attention from their spouse and think, “This is it! They GET it! We are going to make it!” only to be thrust back into the abuse cycle within a few weeks, if that. Perhaps their spouse agrees finally to attend therapy! Hurray! But then after a few sessions the spouse feels attacked (because, you know, they’re being asked to NOT be a jerk) and they refuse to return. Abuse -> Threats of Divorce -> Concession from Spouse -> Hope -> Therapy -> Defensiveness - Another Letdown -> -> -> And so it continues…
If you are in this cycle, you need to understand, this will never stop until one of you dies. I have had 82 year olds call me still in this cycle. If you have given your spouse at least two legit, valid chances to work together to fix your marriage and they have flat out refused, that needs to be your sign that they have ZERO interest in working on your relationship. I know that is painful to hear. I know this hurts. I know this is not what you want. I know you WANT your spouse to change and adjust and WANT to fix things. Not only for you but for your kids. They don’t get it. And it is NOT your job to suffer in hopes they someday have the lightbulb moment where they figure it out. Because they probably won’t. And even if they DO, by then you’ll be so worn down you won’t care anymore. Their efforts will slide off because you’re so exhausted. You won’t love them anymore. You’ll have animosity towards how many YEARS they treated you poorly. You won’t be in a place to receive their love. I know this is not what anyone wants. It’s sad and depressing. It’s not the love story you thought you had when you met them. It’s not the ‘Til Death Do We Part” that we are promised. It’s hard to see it but it’s better to get out while you’re ahead. BEFORE the animosity is too strong between you two. To divorce and move on while you two can still be civil, perhaps even gracious towards one other. Before you have an affair out of desperation for love. While you can agree to co-parent WELL together and not dig in your heels out of hatred for each other. Speaking of affairs, while I never judge my clients if they let me know they are having one, I will tell you, it makes the divorce SO much more complicated. Not only are you balancing a huge mix of emotions, you also risk your spouse finding out about your new lover. That’s not really a problem in the sense of the legal proceedings (more on that another time) but what it DOES do is it gives your spouse a target of hatred if they do find out. They can RAGE about your new lover and too often they’ll tell the kids about it. And then the kids are hurt and mad that you did this. The divorce appears like it’s happening for a frivolous reason: simply for the affair, rather than the REAL reason and that’s the years of abuse. I know you want love and to feel attractive and to feel cared for. If you can hold off on meeting someone I would encourage you to do that. It will over complicate an already stressful and complicated life event. All of this to say, I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve helped my clients through it. I’ve heard it ALL. I love watching my clients go from scared and depressed to empowered, free and happy. I hope this gives you something to think about. You are not alone in how you feel. I've been there and there are thousands of people feeling like this. Do you want this to be the rest of your life? XO Katie So, what exactly DOES a Divorce Coach do?? I get asked this all the time, especially when I meet someone new. It’s usually accompanied by nervous laughter or jokes about spouses maybe already being in touch with me. I decided to become a Certified Divorce Coach after not only going through my own divorce, but after years of helping friends and acquaintances though theirs. It got to the point where I was attending attorney meetings with them to help make sense of the process and get forward momentum. This was all done fairly casually and went well because I’m good at staying organized and helping people stay on task. At one point I had a revelation though. There are Wedding Planners that help plan a single day, why are there not Divorce planners to help manage a MUCH larger life event? So I looked into it and sure enough, there are Divorce Planners! They just generally are called Divorce Coaches, although I’ve been referred to as all sorts of things! A favorite is Divorce Counselor although I’m quick to correct. I’m not a therapist and I don’t pretend to be one. I’ve also been called a Divorce Doula which is also quite fitting since a Doula is hired to provide support through the birth of a child, but not actually deliver the child. Some people have called me a Divorce Guide or Divorce Strategist. These are all great ways to describe what I do but I prefer Divorce Coach. The biggest reason is that I am here to COACH my clients! I don’t just tell them what to do. We talk about what they need for their unique divorce journey. Every single divorce is different and each of my clients has different needs, goals and wants through the process.
I’ve worked with people who divorce with no children. They have very unique needs and emotions. I’ve worked with people who are divorcing someone who is terminally ill. I’ve coached clients who are divorcing someone who is a Serial Cheater. I’ve worked with clients who are divorcing with their own mental illness.
There are so many variables in the divorce process! Even location makes a huge difference sometimes! While I live in Central Illinois and 60% of my clients have hired me because I am a Divorce Coach in Illinois, I have a good number of clients in other states. My Certification allows me to be a Divorce Coach anywhere in the United States and it’s such an interesting part of my job to see how Divorce is similar but different across state borders. I’ve found that often the processes are the same but the terminology is slightly different. But what does it look like to work with me? After our Initial Free Consult, I have a Client Coach Agreement that needs to be completed as well as the Coaching Fee. I charge a flat rate for my services because I feel strongly that my clients who are navigating the divorce process need something in their life they can count on. I don’t ever want them to be afraid to contact me because it will cost more money! Once the Client Coach Agreement is signed and the Fee is paid, we schedule our first call or meeting. I generally work with clients over the phone but will meet in person at my office in Morton if they prefer. This first meeting often takes about an hour. We go over the different paths to divorce and determine which path they prefer based on the different options. From there, we talk about the professionals that can help them. I have a few favorite family law attorneys that I love to refer my clients to but they don’t have to use them. If my clients live somewhere where I don’t have a personal connection to a divorce lawyer, then we talk about best practices in hiring a lawyer that will work for them, and work for them well. A lot of people are intimidated by lawyers! I get it. They’re well educated, busy and expensive. I empower my clients to understand the divorce process and learn how to hire the best divorce lawyer for their situation. Once they have hired a professional, we talk about what’s next. We plan out a conversation for them to have with their spouse, especially if it’s going to be a surprise. We want this to go well! My goal for my clients is for them to have the most peaceful and gentle divorce possible. Is everyone going to be sitting around a bonfire singing Kumbaya afterward? Probably not. But if we can avoid World War III so everyone can co-parent peacefully if there are children involved and each person can get on with their life then that’s a win. From there, I like to call it a Choose Your Own Adventure! I’m with my divorce clients every step of the way. They can text me anytime (although I won’t respond if I’m sleeping of course!) But they have full access to me the entire time. I’ve never had anyone take advantage of this and I feel confident that my clients are getting the best service they can from me. We schedule longer calls when Mediation is coming up or perhaps a meeting with a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem), although very few of my clients end up in that scenario. Why? Because I help keep tension low and set expectations. In fact, I’ve only had one client end up in a GAL office, and that person didn’t communicate well with me. That’s my Number One expectation of my clients. I NEED them to tell me what is going on if I don’t know, then I can’t help. I am positive I could have kept them out of the GAL if they had updated me more along the way. I just texted with a past client yesterday. She told me that, along with a job change, she has had the greatest year she has had in ages since her divorce. She’s lived a very full life with having the chance to live in Europe even but she said her heart has never felt better. I remember when she called me and was completely torn and hurting. Depressed, stressed, angry and sad. I see pictures of her social media now and she is bright and shining and full of joy. It’s like a blanket being lifted off that you didn’t realize you were wearing once you get to the other side of a divorce. I'd love to talk with you about your needs, desires and goals for your divorce. Look at my calendar below and we'll take 30 minutes to Focus Forward on YOUR life! xo Katie |
About Katie VAndenBergKatie makes her life as a Divorce Coach in Central Illinois surrounded by river valleys and prairie. Her days are spent helping her divorce clients, working with her tenants, tending to her gardens, hiking as often as possible, spending time on her pottery wheel and loving her family. Looking for a specific divorce topic? Search here!
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