I will never have this version of me again

"I will never have this version of me again, let me slow down and be with her" Rupi Kaur

Going through a divorce, like any kind of grief, can often make us wish it away sooner than later.  We do this in any variety of ways. Drinking too much. Dating too soon.  Stuffing our emotions.  Exercising too much.  Scrolling all night. Netflix binge, again. 

This moment. You feel like it will never end. You feel like you will never get through it. But it will. And you will. Be gentle with yourself. With this moment. With this challenge. Slow down. Don't rush the process. (Don't drag your feet either but that's another post for another day.) 

After all, this is the only time you get to be this version of you.  So who is she when she goes through grief?  What does she need?  What can help empower her?  What will rebuild her life?  What goals or desires has she put on the back burner for FAR too long that maybe NOW is the time to explore?  What can she learn from this process to help her in the future?  

In my experience as a divorce coach, I've noticed that a lot of people start dating far too soon.  I get it. There often is that new person that is the final catalyst for a divorce that should have happened YEARS ago.  Or maybe you finally feel desired again.  Perhaps you haven't felt attractive in who knows HOW long and finally someone looks at you like *that*.  

I get it.  I know. Believe me. I REALLY know.  

But. 

Suddenly you're not just juggling the emotions of an ending marriage.  Of a divorce.  Of your children who also are feeling big emotions. Of financial stress. Of legal paperwork.  Of court dates. Of social changes. Of awkward conversations. Of lost friend circles. Of family drama.  

But also you're navigating the topsy-turvy emotions of a new relationship. Which really, is enough in and of itself. 

There's only so much our souls can handle and this is too much.  If you don't allow yourself to properly work through the grief, anger, sadness and yes, even excitement of the divorce process, those emotions about your ex will continuously pop up through your life.  You're doing your future self a huge disservice by not letting those flow freely.   

You're also not in the best place to be starting a new relationship.  You're seeking a thrill.  You want to feel desired. Which means you just might not have the best lens of personality judgement on. I have had many clients come to me while we are not only working through their divorce challenges only to ask my help with an argument they've had with their new lover!  Of course I will do this but this is such a stretch for anyone's emotional capacity, even my most emotionally intelligent clients. 

The last thing you want to do is go from the frying pan into the fryer for lack of better analogy.  I remember my mom joking that when you're dating someone new, you really need to give them three months because often that's when their heads begin spinning and they start spewing green vomit.  Three months is usually when things start to get weird in a relationship.  Or the red flags start showing at the very least.  

She wasn't wrong.  If we get swept up too fast and don't give the thrill of the new relationship time to show it's true colors we can find ourselves in a WORSE situation than we were before.  

Slow down, please. Pause and take a breath. Get outside. Take a walk. Take your kids to the park.  Go to the library and get a new book.  Join a service club (my personal favorite is Rotary!) Take an art class. Sign up for a yoga series. Try out a new church. Learn or refresh a language.  Start a garden.  

One of my favorite bits of life magic is when I've tried something new only to have it turn into something I never would have expected. I would encourage you to be brave and try something new.  Just for you. That's not toxic. That will help you GROW and EXPAND. That's not just to mask emotions but to help you soak up and round out who you really are RIGHT NOW.  A wonderful bonus is that you will meet new people who are also interested in those things too. If you lost friends during your divorce, this is a great way to find a social circle of kindred spirits.  

My personal story: I dated pretty quickly post divorce. I was only 25 and had no kids.  I remember finally getting SO fed up with dating (you know...the whole spewing green vomit thing???)  I finally heeded my own advice that I am now giving and PAUSED.  I stopped. I decided I was only going to focus on me and my well being.  I poured my energy into my fledgling business, Eli's Coffee Shop. I moved into the 2nd floor tiny studio apartment.  I worked 16 hour days, almost 7 days a week.  I quit my day job as a loan officer.  I was ALL IN for me.  

I met new people. Some of my best friends now were my customers then.  I joined the local Chamber of Commerce and developed a network of business partners that still support me to this day.  But best of all?? My husband walked in there.  He was the cute new 7th grade L.A. teacher in town. He would come in and order a green tea and grade papers.  He liked to shoot photography in the summer months and one day sent a message to me on MySpace...yes the MySpace days! He asked if he could hang his photos there.  

We both were simply pursuing our passions and working towards our dreams.  We were both well out of relationships by the time we met, his heart broken earlier that year too.  We were focusing on ourselves and mending our souls.  By doing so we were able to notice whom we really were and what we really desired.  

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