Weekly Notes from a Divorce Coach Candid writings by Katie VandenBerg about Divorce
|
|
|
“Hire a Bulldog Attorney,” they said. “It’ll be great,” they said. “You need a Bulldog Attorney to fight for you,” they said.  Your Spouse Has Filed For DivorceYou may feel backed up against a wall. The petitions have been filed, and suddenly, it feels like you’re on the defensive, with your spouse already setting the tone of the divorce. That tone can often feel intimidating, even aggressive. Friends and co-workers, with all the best intentions, lean in and say, “I know JUST the divorce attorney for you!” Often, this is followed by, “They’re a real bulldog!” Let’s pause and take a breather, shall we?
Often, ‘bulldog attorneys’ are incredibly expensive. They may have a large office, extensive staff, and an image to uphold. Many people hire them because they feel pressured and desperate. They end up with prolonged, expensive cases without fully understanding what they’re paying for. As a divorce coach in Illinois, I’ve witnessed people (not my clients) having to file bankruptcy after hiring a bulldog attorney because the legal fees got out of control, and often, for a settlement that could have been achieved more smoothly and affordably had they had the guidance of a divorce coach. But, thinking they couldn't afford a divorce coach, they instead took the inexperienced advice of a friend, which in turn cost them tens of thousands of dollars, not to mention, years of stress and a lesser settlement. Bulldog Law Firms Bully Their ClientsWhen things aren't going smoothly and you need guidance, you want an attorney who will explain what is happening and what the next steps are. You DON'T want an attorney who will lecture you and make you feel small. Some Bulldog Attorneys have such large egos that they tell their clients how lucky they are to get to work with them as their attorney. They tell them that if they're not careful, they'll drop them as clients. This adds so much more stress to an already difficult time in life, especially if you've already paid them thousands of dollars! You don’t want a Bulldog Attorney. You want a Border Collie Attorney.
How Divorce Coaching Helps You Find the Right Attorney
Hire the Right Family Law Attorney for You
What Does a Divorce Coach Do?
Need a Divorce but Money is Tight?
3 Comments
Two years ago, I had a life-changing experience that led me to my true calling—divorce coaching. A close friend of mine was going through a challenging divorce. Although she had a skilled attorney, she was emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed by the complex legal process. She didn’t know the right questions to ask, and the legal jargon left her feeling lost.
When I offered to meet with her, she was relieved. We sat down, and through her tears, we discussed her situation. A week later, I accompanied her to a meeting with her attorney. That meeting was a turning point for me in choosing to become a divorce coach. 
The Divorce Plan
We established clear communication with her attorney, set realistic expectations, and mapped out a follow-up plan. Because I wasn’t emotionally involved in her case, I was able to keep her focused on the important business decisions and steer her away from the emotional pitfalls that often sidetrack divorces.
This approach allowed her to begin the healing process. Instead of spending more money on attorney fees for clarification, she could call or text me whenever she felt confused about the legal proceedings. She learned to trust the process, knowing her attorney had her best interests at heart. 
I learned Divorce Coaches are essential
The outcome? My friend ended up with a far better settlement than she ever imagined!
This experience made me realize how essential divorce coaching is for individuals navigating the divorce process. Emotional turmoil—whether it's sadness, anger, or resentment—often clouds judgment and disrupts progress. But with the right guidance, you can stay focused and make informed decisions, leading to better results in both the legal and emotional aspects of divorce.
If you’re thinking about divorce, are in the middle of one, or even have already finalized it but need support moving forward, divorce coaching can be a game-changer. Whether you're just starting to consider divorce, deep in the process, or ready to rebuild your life afterward, I’m here to help. Let me guide you through each step, offering the clarity and confidence you need to make the best decisions for your future. Use the calendar below to schedule a free divorce consultation today!
Why is choosing the right divorce attorney so important?What’s the worst that can happen? Let’s start with the most important part: All divorce Attorneys are not created equal. Real-Life Example: The Wrong Attorney Led to Delayed Results and Higher Costs
I have seen this time and time again. I often get calls from people who didn’t consult me before choosing an attorney. They’re nearly in tears after spending tens of thousands of dollars, feeling like they're losing everything. “But my friend used them and loved them!” After I ask more questions I find out that the friend also had no money to split and their only child was already an adult. No financial settlement stress and no parenting plan to worry about. Meanwhile, the person on the other end of the phone has a large inheritance and three children under the age of 12. Yikes! These situations are vastly different, and you need an attorney who understands the complexities of your unique case. You also want a divorce attorney that is empathetic but firm. Some divorce attorneys will tell clients anything to help them feel better, even if it’s an impossible idea. In this case, the client finds themselves constantly paying larger and larger bills to the divorce attorney, chasing after their empty promises that sound so alluring. Other attorneys will take full control of the case and not run any ideas by the client. Suddenly, when the divorce is over, the client feels like they had no say in any of it and aren’t sure how they even got there with a settlement they hate. Real-Life Example: Lack of Financial Expertise Cost John His Retirement
So what should someone who is thinking about filing for divorce do??
Key Questions to Ask a Divorce AttorneyBefore making your decision, it's essential to have an open conversation with any potential lawyer. If they seem put off by this, then they are not the right attorney for you! These are the questions to ask a divorce attorney that can help you determine if they’re the right fit for your divorce. When I work with clients, we start with this as a base and dive MUCH deeper into the process of hiring and interviewing the right attorney or mediator for them. 1. Do you specialize in divorces, or are divorces just part of your practice?You wouldn’t hire a dermatologist to do your colonoscopy, would you? Then don’t hire a criminal defendant for your divorce. Find out if the attorney dedicates most of their practice to family law and divorces. A seasoned divorce attorney is more likely to have the expertise you need. 2. How will you approach my divorce, and how long do you think it will take to be complete?Get a clear idea of their plan with your divorce. Will they aim for negotiation, or do they foresee a drawn-out court battle? 3. How accessible are you? How do you prefer to be contacted?Knowing how quickly your attorney returns phone calls and what constitutes an emergency is crucial during the emotionally charged process of divorce. 4. Who else will be working on my case?Larger law firms may assign parts of your case to other attorneys or paralegals. Make sure you're comfortable with the entire team and their experience levels. 5. Can I negotiate directly with my spouse?Some attorneys may prefer to handle all communication, while others might encourage you to engage in direct negotiation to keep costs down. Ask how you can help streamline the process. 6. What are your fees and retainer requirements?Understanding the financial aspect of hiring a lawyer is important. Ask how they charge for their time, including the time of other professionals like paralegals or assistants. 7. What additional costs should I expect?Besides attorney fees, your case may require external professionals such as forensic accountants or child custody evaluators. Clarify these potential costs upfront. 8. What do you wish more clients knew about the divorce process?This is a great way to get your divorce attorney to open up and speak candidly. Listen closely because they will help you understand how to be a good client so they can best represent you! 9. Can you estimate the total cost of the divorce?While divorce attorneys often hesitate to provide exact cost estimates, asking this question can give you insight into their transparency. Be wary of unrealistic promises of low costs or flat rates. 10. What outcome do you predict based on my case?A seasoned divorce attorney should be able to provide insight into how a judge may rule in your situation. This will help set realistic expectations for the outcome of your divorce. Making the Right Choice for Your Divorce Attorney
When you’re thinking about separation or divorce, it is VERY overwhelming! There are the roller coaster of emotions that can range from excitement about the future to overwhelming grief and sadness for what is being lost to intense anger for the abuse and hurt. There is also the logistics of divorce. Who will take the kids to baseball? Who will pay for their health insurance? Can one of us stay in the home? Will I have to get a better job?
All of the overwhelm of divorce often causes people to just stay put in unhappy or abusive marriages. It just feels too hard to get a divorce! Other times, it causes people to impulse hire an attorney without appropriate research and not understanding the process. They get swept up in the tidal wave of the divorce process, eyes closed and holding their breath, hoping things settle down and work out. It’s enough to raise my blood pressure just typing all of this! This is where a Divorce Coach comes in. I get it. I know it feels impossible sometimes to pay someone ELSE on top of the attorney retainer! Let’s dive in about why you should hire a divorce coach to help you through the divorce process. 
1. A Divorce Coach Will Help You Hire The RIGHT Attorney
Get ready because everyone from the bank teller to your Great Aunt Margaret to the high school acquaintance you bump into at Target will have an opinion on your divorce. People LOVE to tell other people how to get divorced. It usually goes like this, “OMG you HAVE to hire Todd Smith, he’s a BULLDOG! My cousin hired him and although she didn’t really like him personally, she thought he really fought for her.” *Divorce RED FLAG* You want to like your attorney. Sure it might seem silly, but you’re going to pay this person a lot of money to make a difference in major parts of the rest of your life. You want to be able to communicate with them and not think they’re jerks or have them mistreat you. 
Think of it this way, what if something goes wrong with your divorce and you need to discuss it with your attorney? Do you want them to have a respectful conversation with you or have them blow you off like you’re stupid for asking? I’ve had so many people call me that did not hire me from the get-go, begging for help because they feel like their attorney is gaslighting them! This is NOT what you want!
Also, those ‘bulldog’ attorneys are not my favorites. Honestly. They tend to be in it to line their pockets and boost their ego. They aggravate divorces to drag them out so they can go to court and look like they’re really fighting for you. I’d rather have a calm, peacebuilding attorney that helps my clients have an amicable, but fair, divorce and move on with their lives. Sure it might not feel as dramatic but that’s a GOOD thing. As a Divorce Coach, I help my clients hire the right attorney from the beginning. I coach my clients on what to look for, what questions to ask and how to make telling observations. After they meet with attorneys, we talk through their experience so they pick the best option for them based on their needs. 2. A Divorce Coach Will Help You Know What’s Real With Your Attorney
Attorneys are smart, busy and expensive. Many of them have been doing their jobs for so long, it’s like a second nature to them. They know that they are expensive and don’t want to waste their time and your money explaining every detail. While your budget may appreciate that it often can feel like you have no clue what is happening in your divorce! I just talked with someone yesterday who has contacted me WELL into their divorce (trial is set.) She doesn't think she can afford to hire me because she’s owes her attorney $9,000 and she also doesn’t want to email her attorney with questions because she knows it’s $200 for her attorney just to answer an email! She has a lot of money on the line but in the meantime, has no money to know what is happening or understand the next steps or how to best prepare because she has already spent so much with her attorney. This is the absolute worst situation to be in. I wish she had contacted me THREE years ago (yes, three!) when her divorce started. I would bet good money she would have had her divorce finalized a long time ago and not have spent thousands of dollars. She would be well into her newly established life. At this point she’s just hoping for the best.
As a divorce coach, I help my clients understand the paperwork and options from the beginning so they make the best choices within the scope of their divorce. I help them manage communication with their attorney to keep it effective not only with the information they gain but also with their budget. If things start to drag on, I help my clients either get the process going with their attorney or get a second opinion. My clients get ahead of problems so their divorces are relatively easy and dare I say, BORING. I’ve never had a client have to go to trial that I’ve worked with from the very beginning.
3. A Divorce Coach Will Save Money
I also help my clients find the right path to divorce. It’s not always necessary for both people to have a lawyer. When appropriate, we explore divorce mediation or just hiring a single attorney for both people. We talk through their current situation, the history of the relationship and the goals for their futures to determine what the best path forward is for them and their family. We take finances, living situations and emotions into consideration. There's a lot to think about and divorce is not a 'one size fits all' life event.
Focusing on the logistics of the divorce process is the best way to save money. I have clients call me, very emotional and wanting to go down divorce rabbit holes. I help pull them out and focus on what’s really at stake for them so they can take the next best step forward. So What's Next?
When facing a separation or divorce, it feels overwhelming to make one more decision tohire a divorce coach. Pausing to explore this option will be time and money well invested in your divorce process and future. You’ll be better equipped to hire the right attorney for your divorce, understand and interpret the steps along the way and save lots of money.
You can schedule a Free Consultation with me and we'll talk about your unique situation and what it would look like to work together. Even if you think you're 8 months from even wanting to file and just need information to start planning. Or perhaps you're ready to file and want to make sure you're starting your divorce in the best way possible. ~Katie 
Starting and managing the Divorce Process is overwhelming. Doing it well takes patience, understanding and sometimes, a lot of money. This is why it’s important to know who you’ll encounter along the way to help you focus on the business side of divorce with fewer surprises and avoid unexpected divorce costs.
In this post I’ll share the different professionals involved in the divorce process and help you understand the role each of them performs.
It takes awhile to understand what each professional’s role is in the divorce process, and you don’t want to wait until you have a meeting scheduled with them to learn. That’s why I put together this easy list to help you! How Do You Make the Most of Knowing What Each of These Professionals Do?
Once you start the divorce process, it’s easy to feel like you’re getting swept away in a riptide. Without planning and understanding, it’s easy to feel like you’re just shuffled along with legal acronyms that you don't know their meaning.
By understanding who each of these divorce professionals are, you’ll have time to more effectively research what their purpose is, their track record and prepare for your time with them. Family Law Attorney
A Family Law Attorney is probably the first professional you’ll encounter in your divorce process.
Their purpose is to:
Paralegal/Legal Assistant
A good Paralegal is PRICELESS in the divorce process. A lot of clients feel frustrated that they ‘never hear from their attorney and only get to talk to the paralegal’ but a lot of times, that’s actually a good thing! A Paralegal is usually a fraction of the hourly cost of a Family Law Attorney, and more often than not, knows just as much. While they can’t practice law, they can give you guidance on the process, the paperwork and next steps. It’s a good idea to try to get your answer first from the Paralegal before contacting your attorney.
Pro Tip: Be nice to the Paralegal! Many attorneys feel very protective of their assistants. If you’re rude or disrespectful to them, your attorney will probably hear about it. Divorce Coach
A divorce coach can be hired at any point in the process but is best if brought in earlier on. They can make much more impact in saving you from unnecessary expenses by helping you focus your energies on the next best steps. Too often emotions get the best of someone who is divorcing and they dig their heels in for an unreasonable settlement. When this happens, and their STBX doesn’t agree, the process comes to a halt and MORE professionals that cost MORE money need to be called in.
A Divorce Coach cannot offer legal advice but they will help you put your divorce together. You can think of them like a Wedding Planner or a Doula. While they won’t bake your wedding cake or actually deliver your baby, they are there to make sure you know what is happening, who to hire to help you and ensure the process keeps moving forward. You can learn more about what I do as a Divorce Coach here! Mediator
When a couple is divorcing and they can’t come to an agreement fast enough on their own, with the help of their attorneys, a court ordered mediator is often hired. This mediator has been trained in accordance with Family law in your state, although they usually cannot practice law or give advice.
A mediator CAN:
1. Offer legal advice 2. Take one party's side of the other 3. Determine the best agreement without working through it with you and your spouse. Red Flag: Visits with the mediator can be frustrating. Often clients are at this point because one member of the divorcing couple has dug in their heels or an attorney has dropped the ball in negotiations. The goal of the Mediator is to UNITE but unfortunately by this point, uniting is the farthest from some people’s minds. They sometimes have irrational ideas on what they think they can get from a divorce settlement. Other times there is an emotional immaturity that prevents a unified divorce decision. FYI: The next step after this is a court case in front of a judge to decide the outcome. Using a mediator is usually a last ditch effort to work out the divorce proceedings. Going to court is expensive, time consuming and emotionally draining. GAL
This is the Guardian Ad Litem, often referred to as the GAL. The GAL’s role is to represent the children of a divorcing couple when the parents cannot come to an agreed parenting plan. The GAL is court ordered and is responsible for talking to the children as well as the parents, other family members, key people in the children’s lives, think teachers or day care providers.
Because the GAL is trying to understand a family dynamic in a short amount of time, they often ask very direct questions, which can inflame parents and make them feel like their parenting is being attacked. Pro tip: Stay calm! If you get angry or lose your temper with the GAL, that may align with what your STBX says about you and the way you parent. The GAL is there to help the children. Most parents want what is best for their children, so help the GAL reach that understanding. Approaching the GAL from a point of view of thankfulness will help you keep your emotions in check and your goals aligned. You've Got This!
The divorce process is overwhelming but if you have an understanding of who you’ll encounter, it will feel less intimidating. The professionals, while expensive, are there to help you and your spouse get through the process in the smoothest way possible. The goal is divorce well and move on with your life. While sometimes it can feel validating to want to fight back and fight hard against your ex, remember that the best way to heal is to move on with your life. It is not to get stuck in a nasty, expensive legal battle that will only drain your emotions and your finances and stop you from being your best self.
About Katie VandenBerg
Katie began as a Divorce Coach after seeing the pitfalls too many friends were falling in during their divorce process. She became a Certified Divorce Coach in 2020 and has helped numerous clients have successful, low cost and amicable divorces.
She coaches her clients 1:1 and also has created a low cost and thorough course to help women and men divorce with grace and dignity while preserving their finances. If you think you're ready to divorce but feeling stuck based on some stories you've heard, check out my guide, Top Five Divorce Myths, to see if any sound familiar!  Nearly two years ago I had a revelation.
I learned a friend was going through a divorce. While she had a good attorney, she was so emotionally drained she couldn't understand the process. She didn't have the energy to even know what to ask. The legal lingo was confusing. The options overwhelming. I asked her if she would be willing to meet with me. Through her tears we talked about her situation. She was thrilled when I was able to join her at her attorney's office the next week. The meeting went flawlessly. We paved the path for better communication, cleared the way for expectations and created a follow-up plan. Because I was not emotionally invested I could re-focus if we got too far into the Story of her divorce so we could make massive strides in the Business of her divorce. My friend finally could get to focus on healing her heart. She was able to call and text me when she was confused about the legal process rather than rack up $$$ in attorney fees for re-explanations. She was able to trust the process and know her attorney truly was working for her. It was then I knew I wanted to become certified as a Divorce coach. The situation my friend found herself in is sadly far too common. Sadness, anger, envy and revenge get in the way of the divorce process and often sabotage the results. And....my friend ended up with a far better settlement than she ever expected! If you are searching for divorce support at ANY stage of the process (even if the process seems like it won’t start for awhile OR you’re done and still need help moving forward!) please call or text me at 309-840-0881.  You plan your days, weeks and goals. You plan your educational path and college choice. You plan for career goals. And of course, your relationship and marriage. From planning the type of people you date, your engagement to your wedding day to the rhythm of your marital home.
But what happens when your well thought out plans go awry? When your planning feels like it was for nothing? What happens when you fail? Do you plan for potential failure? Do you plan how the divorce will proceed? Do you plan how your career will shift as a newly single parent? Do you plan for lonely nights? Do you consider these failures when planning the future? If you find yourself in an unplanned failure, let's try reframing the failure as an obstacle to be overcome. As an unexpected challenge. As a creative opportunity. As a gift to revisit your goals and dreams that just maybe were buried with marriage, a career and children. I "plan to fail" by having a folder titled "If Something Ever Happens to Me." I am the primary financial planner in our family. If I pass away or become incapacitated suddenly, I want one less thing for Ben to have to worry about. On the flip side, he handles all of our maintenance and repairs for our home and rentals. If something were to happen to him I have a file of whom to call to handle all of the duties as they arise. I believe that planning to fail is equally as important as planning to succeed. Planning to fail allows us to fail without capsizing our entire life's proverbial ship. It allows massive failures to appear as small blips on our timeline. It allows us to recover and pivot faster to still succeed, albeit on a different course. If planning to fail is overwhelming, send me a message to book a complimentary session to talk about where to start! I love helping people creatively explore their options for their lives. Warmly, Katie |
