is there always a villain in divorce?

Hello again!  I am in peaceful Northern California for a few days with my friend Rei Hotoda.  She is the Conductor for the Fresno Philharmonic.  She had a break between shows and invited me to join her in Northern Napa for a quick but much needed getaway. We've hiked, ate LOTS of bread and cheese and of course, enjoyed some amazing wines.  

When I travel I always meet new people and in doing so, they find out that I'm a Certified Divorce Coach.  This first comes with the question, "what does a Divorce Coach do?" and is almost always followed by a horrible divorce story that a friend or loved one experienced.  I don't mind listening to these stories because I know they are digesting their perspective with someone who really gets it's finally. What I am bothered by is that there is ALWAYS a villain.

How is it possible for two good people to divorce?

This question feels like the Great Misunderstanding of Divorce to me.  In order for those who have not divorced to rationalize a divorce, they MUST think there is a villain. There must be someone who cheated, had an affair, 'stepped out', had a fling....whatever you want to call it. There must be abuse, surely....right???  Why else would two people divorce if not?

Believe it or not, it is possible for two wonderful people to not be able to live together FOREVER managing kid schedules, tricky, stressful budgets, job duties, fun activities, career growth, feeding the family, hobbies, friend circles, laundry, mowing and ALL the things that come with life.  It's a lot just typing it all!

Sometimes two wonderful people just can't do ALL those things together effectively. Sometimes it brings out the worse in both of them.  Sometimes they need a different partner (or none at all)  to be able to thrive at life.  

We don't get training on what married life will REALLY be like for us with that partner. We have no idea what might trigger them from some unresolved childhood trauma or drive us nuts. We may not have had a good example of marriage set for us by our parents.  We may have mental health issues that arise for us or our partner.  There may be illnesses or deaths that cause grief so intense it alters our reality.  

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Of course there are marriages that break down from affairs, emotional abuse or financial stress. In the absence of those, it's important to remember there are many invisible causes of divorce.  We don't have to villainize one person in the marriage in order to justify the divorce so we feel better about it.  The more we can care for and support both people in a divorce, and after, the better for everyone.