If I can't have this marriage, I don't want to be married

"I notice we are envious of people who are already doing what we are made to do. If we use our envy as a sort of arrow pointing us toward our destiny, that is a beautiful thing" ~Glennon Doyle

I remember the profound envy I felt during my first marriage. We were the first of our friend group to get married but many of them were in long term relationships. There was just something different about them in the way they spoke to each other.  Something different in the admiration they seemed to have for each other. There was a sense of awe for the other person, it seemed.  I remember feeling so much envy for other couples who looked natural, comfortable and confident. In Love, for real. I always just felt like I was a disappointment or embarrassment to my ex husband. Like I was just in the way of his success.

At first I didn’t really understand the feeling and what it was telling me.  It was confusing as I was young and my husband at the time was smart, hard working, came from a good family and was a decent person in the eyes of society. So what was wrong with ME, I wondered, that I felt this? But as the failure of my marriage progressed, I realized that the envy was telling me something. It was leading me to see that what my marriage was, was not what was best for me OR for him.  The envy was like a guiding light, a beacon of inspiration.  I knew that if I couldn’t have THAT kind of marriage that I saw with our friends, then I didn’t want to be married.  

There’s a difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is the feeling of desiring something that someone else has or is.  Jealousy is a protective feeling.  If I were a jealous wife, I’d be feeling worried that someone else was interested in my husband, or that he was interested in another woman.  If I were a jealous friend, I’d be nervous that my best friend would betray me and not invite me to an outing with other friends. 

Can envy be bad? Of course.  If I was envious of every new car on the market and it pushed me to go into debt to always have the latest model, then it’s a toxic envy.  If I was envious of my daughter’s classmates for being good at soccer so I pushed her hard into it despite her hating the sport, that would be a toxic envy.

A good, motivating envy will push us to improve ourselves or our lifestyles.  I’m currently envious of my husband who has somehow been able to avoid sugars since the new year.  Me? Not so much.  He told me the other day he’s lost 10 pounds just by doing that.  Meanwhile I enjoyed a few scoops of cookie dough today while I hid from my kids and now I’m feeling chubby.  I’m envious of my friend Francie who has worked so hard to understand SEO and website design and is just SO darn good at it!  I’m trying but it’s hard.  

Motivating envy improves us and helps us rise up to the best version of ourselves, both for us and for others.  Another example is my friend Leanne. She is an amazing Curriculum Director at a large public school district in our area.  She works SO hard for her schools and the teachers she helps.  But when she gets home, she shuts it all off and is 100% Mom to her three energetic and busy boys.  I am motivated by that.  I am not good at shutting everything off at home and being 100% focused on my kids but I use her example, and my envy of her abilities, to motivate me.  

In relationships, we can easily toe the line of dangerous envy.  When our motivations are delusional, or we have expectations of perfection of OTHERS it becomes dangerous.  An example of this is the idea of Prince Charming.  Modern society has developed a story that young women will meet their Prince Charming. And maybe they do…when they’re 25.  But what happens when Prince Charming starts balding prematurely or puts on 20 pounds because he’s working so hard to support his family he has no time to exercise anymore? Suddenly, he’s not so much Prince Charming, but he’s more like the Frog that begs for a kiss.  When we start to edge into this territory we need to ask ourselves some serious questions about our priorities and values.  This is the perfect time to seek out a good therapist to help work through these feelings.  That being said, if Prince Charming turned Frog has also become angry, narcissistic and gaslights you, then the superficial changes are minor details and you DO have a valid case for exploring the motivating envy of your friend who has a spouse who adores and supports her.  

The envy I felt during my first marriage was like a veil being lifted at what a marriage should be and what it shouldn’t.  Going into marriage, all we really have is our parents as examples. While my parents never fought, their marriage was one more of practicality and cohabitating.  This seemed to be where I found myself in my marriage.  There were also healthy amounts of jealousy, frustration and ego involved in my first marriage.  This is what I didn’t see in other marriages and made me realize that I could not allow this to be the story for my life.  

And so, the envy pushed me through. I used that envy as my guide.  Interestingly enough, I have not for one moment ever felt that envy since I met Ben. My viewpoint has changed.  If I can’t have THIS marriage, then I don’t want to be married.  

I encourage you to not stifle your envy as something bad. If you are part of a conservative religious community, you may be told otherwise. You may be told that you need to die to your dreams, your desires, your wants, your goals and your plans.  I do not subscribe to that belief structure. You may be told that envy is the work of Satan.  In my opinion, this is akin to religious abuse.  In the face of financial, emotional or physical abuse, this is a means of control and gaslighting you into believing your life doesn’t matter. 

If you need help finding a good therapist to work through any of these issues, please reach out to me. If you're local to me, I have a virtual rolodex of amazing therapists.  If you're not, we can talk about what it looks like to hire one. Or, if you know that you are ready to begin thinking about filing for divorce, let’s talk.  

XO
​Katie



 

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