"Throwing in the Towel"
"Giving Up on a Good Thing"
"Walking Away from Marriage"
"Marriage is Hard Work… You Just Need to Try Harder!"

All of these phrases get used by people who don’t understand why a couple decides to divorce. As a divorce coach, I often hear these comments from clients whose friends and family are completely blindsided by their decision to separate. It’s already a challenging time for anyone going through divorce, but it becomes even harder when others question or judge your decision.
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Not only are we working through our own emotions during a divorce, but we often find ourselves managing the emotions of those around us—family members, friends, even acquaintances. My clients frequently share that they’re put in the difficult spot of either revealing the private struggles in their marriage to justify their divorce or keeping quiet and facing judgment, because "surely things aren't that bad."

​Even when clients end up choosing to explain, they are often accused of exaggerating or lying. It’s a no-win situation. I deeply wish people outside the marriage would stop insisting on understanding a divorce in such detail. Divorce is hard enough without having to justify it to others.

Let’s start with the basics: your divorce is your business. Period.

Just recently, one of my clients shared how their friend group had taken a very toxic stance on the divorce, blocking them on social media and refusing to hear their side of the story. While the divorce had originally been mutual and amicable, the added tension from friends was causing the situation to become hostile. This client’s spouse, who had been reasonable at the start, was now becoming difficult to work with. This will now un-necessarily cost the couple more money in legal fees and time, not to mention, added emotional strain.  All because some, albeit close, outsiders think they need to understand a personal issue between two people.  
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Another personal example: When I was going through my own divorce, I was out with some friends when a woman I had just met learned about my situation. She became wildly upset with me, saying I was making a stupid decision and couldn’t understand why I would get divorced. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and they start lecturing you on one of the most personal and intense decisions of your life! Back then, I felt the need to justify myself. Now, as a divorce coach, I coach my clients to be prepared for this sort of reaction and not feel obligated to explain their deeply personal choices.

This is a tough one. Many marriages end due to sensitive issues like addiction (pornography, drugs, alcohol), mental health struggles, or childhood trauma. Even in these cases, people often still care about their spouse and want to protect their image, even if the marriage itself isn’t salvageable.

During my own divorce, a customer at my workplace asked me out of the blue, “Why are you getting a divorce?” I was floored. It was an extremely personal question, and completely inappropriate for a professional setting. Had I revealed the private details of my marriage to him, it could have spread throughout our small town. Instead, I gave a generic answer and quickly changed the subject.

Some divorces take years or even decades to unfold. Marriages can deteriorate over time, with both partners trying everything from marriage counseling to open relationships, only to find that they simply can’t stay together. These couples may seem happy on the outside, but inside, they’ve reached a point of hopelessness.
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These types of divorces are the hardest for outsiders to understand. “There’s no abuse, so why are they divorcing?” “They still love each other, so why split up?” “They look so happy on Facebook!” But no one really sees the years of struggle, the emotional distance, and the attempts to repair what is broken. To outsiders, it may seem like the couple is "throwing in the towel," but in reality, it’s years of irreparable damage.

If someone you care about is going through a divorce, you don’t need to know all the details. Offer your support by simply saying, “I’m here for you if you need to talk,” and respect their privacy. Helping them in practical ways, like taking them to dinner or helping with errands, can make a world of difference. Divorce is a form of grief, even for those who choose it.
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If you are the one going through a divorce and feel pressured to explain, I recommend using a "grey rock" response to deflect intrusive questions. For example, “Thank you for your concern, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing that.” Having a prepared response can help you maintain your boundaries and avoid being caught off guard.

How have you handled intrusive questions about your divorce? Or, have you ever found yourself surprised by someone else’s divorce and felt compelled to understand? Share your thoughts below.

XO- Katie

Hello again!  I am in peaceful Northern California for a few days with my friend Rei Hotoda.  She is the Conductor for the Fresno Philharmonic.  She had a break between shows and invited me to join her in Northern Napa for a quick but much needed getaway. We've hiked, ate LOTS of bread and cheese and of course, enjoyed some amazing wines.  

When I travel I always meet new people and in doing so, they find out that I'm a Certified Divorce Coach.  This first comes with the question, "what does a Divorce Coach do?" and is almost always followed by a horrible divorce story that a friend or loved one experienced.  I don't mind listening to these stories because I know they are digesting their perspective with someone who really gets it's finally. What I am bothered by is that there is ALWAYS a villain.

This question feels like the Great Misunderstanding of Divorce to me.  In order for those who have not divorced to rationalize a divorce, they MUST think there is a villain. There must be someone who cheated, had an affair, 'stepped out', had a fling....whatever you want to call it. There must be abuse, surely....right???  Why else would two people divorce if not?

Believe it or not, it is possible for two wonderful people to not be able to live together FOREVER managing kid schedules, tricky, stressful budgets, job duties, fun activities, career growth, feeding the family, hobbies, friend circles, laundry, mowing and ALL the things that come with life.  It's a lot just typing it all!

Sometimes two wonderful people just can't do ALL those things together effectively. Sometimes it brings out the worse in both of them.  Sometimes they need a different partner (or none at all)  to be able to thrive at life.  

We don't get training on what married life will REALLY be like for us with that partner. We have no idea what might trigger them from some unresolved childhood trauma or drive us nuts. We may not have had a good example of marriage set for us by our parents.  We may have mental health issues that arise for us or our partner.  There may be illnesses or deaths that cause grief so intense it alters our reality.  

Of course there are marriages that break down from affairs, emotional abuse or financial stress. In the absence of those, it's important to remember there are many invisible causes of divorce.  We don't have to villainize one person in the marriage in order to justify the divorce so we feel better about it.  The more we can care for and support both people in a divorce, and after, the better for everyone.