Why Won't My Abusive Spouse File for Divorce? Understanding the Control Behind the Resistance4/16/2025
Originally Published January 2024, Updated April 2025
All names are changed to protect client privacy
Even when someone has mentally prepared for divorce, the emotional rollercoaster remains—from sadness and anger to relief and hope. But among my divorce coaching clients, one situation consistently causes the most frustration and confusion: when an emotionally abusive spouse refuses to file for divorce.
The Perplexing Pattern of Abusive Partners Who Won't Let Go
"Why are they making ME do it?" my clients ask in exasperation. "They treat me terribly but won't file."
"My spouse hasn't touched me in years but claims they won't file because of their marriage vows." "I've begged them to try marriage counseling, but they refuse—and now that I want a divorce, they're blaming ME for destroying our family." If you're nodding along, recognizing your own relationship in these words, you're not alone. This pattern is incredibly common in emotionally abusive marriages. As a divorce coach who has guided countless individuals through this exact scenario, I can almost predict the storyline when clients begin describing their situation. Let's dive into why abusive partners often refuse to file for divorce, even when they seem to despise the relationship. 1. Control: The Ultimate Power Play in Toxic Relationships
At its core, an abusive spouse's refusal to file for divorce is about maintaining control. This dynamic has likely been the cornerstone of your relationship for years.
Sarah's Story: One client, Sarah, endured her husband's constant criticism and emotional manipulation for 12 years. When she finally gathered the courage to suggest divorce, he responded with, "If you want to destroy this family, that's on you. I would never do that to our children." Despite making her life miserable daily, he positioned himself as the committed partner and Sarah as the villain. This is classic abusive behavior. By forcing you to be the one to file, your spouse accomplishes several things:
2. Image Management: When Appearances Matter More Than Reality
Emotionally abusive individuals are often intensely concerned with how others perceive them. Their public image frequently contradicts their private behavior.
The Public/Private Divide: Many abusive partners present themselves as kind, reasonable, and devoted spouses to the outside world. Friends and family might even comment on how lucky you are to have such a "great" partner. Meanwhile, behind closed doors, you experience a completely different person. When you initiate divorce, they can tell everyone, "I never wanted this. She's the one who filed." This image management:
3. Ego Protection: Refusing to Accept Rejection
For many emotionally abusive individuals, being rejected is intolerable to their self-image and ego.
The Rejection Paradox: Despite treating you poorly, your abusive spouse likely cannot tolerate the idea that you would choose to leave them. This paradox stems from deep insecurity masked by controlling behavior. Mark's Experience: One client, Mark, described how his wife belittled him constantly for fifteen years. She criticized his parenting, mocked his career choices, and regularly told him no one else would ever want him. Yet when Mark finally decided to file for divorce, she was genuinely shocked and devastated, telling everyone he had "abandoned her without warning" despite years of expressing his unhappiness. By refusing to file themselves, abusive partners:
What This Means For Your Divorce Journey
Understanding these dynamics doesn't make the situation easier emotionally, but it can provide clarity during a confusing time. If you're in this position, here's what you should know:
This Pattern Is Predictable and Common First and foremost, what you're experiencing isn't unique or your fault. As a divorce coach, I see this exact scenario play out repeatedly. The refusal to file, the blame-shifting when you do file, and the sudden reputation management are all predictable behaviors from emotionally abusive partners. Their Resistance Confirms Your Decision Many clients question their decision when their spouse reacts with blame and accusations. Remember: this reaction is further evidence of the emotional manipulation that has characterized your relationship. Their response isn't about love—it's about control. Healing Begins With Breaking The Pattern Taking the step to file for divorce when your spouse refuses is often the first move in breaking the cycle of emotional abuse. It's difficult and scary, but my clients consistently report feeling an enormous weight lifted once the process begins. One client described it perfectly: "It was like a 180-pound dark veil had been covering my entire body for as long as I could remember. Suddenly it was gone, and I wondered why I hadn't removed it sooner." Prepare For Continued Manipulation Throughout the divorce process, expect your spouse to continue their controlling behaviors. They may:
Moving Forward: Finding Strength to Break Free
If you recognize your relationship in this post, you're facing a challenging but ultimately liberating journey. Here's what helps my clients successfully navigate this transition:
You're Not Alone in This Journey
The most important thing to remember is that you're not alone. The patterns you've experienced in your marriage and now in the divorce process are common in emotionally abusive relationships. What you're feeling—the confusion, frustration, guilt, and relief—are all normal responses.
Taking the step to file when your spouse refuses isn't failing at marriage; it's choosing health, respect, and a better future. It's reclaiming your power from someone who has used control and manipulation to diminish you. It's putting a STOP to the lost time and added stress to your life. 
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If you're struggling with an emotionally abusive spouse who refuses to file for divorce, I'm here to help. As a divorce coach who specializes in helping clients navigate these exact situations, I offer compassionate guidance through every step of the process.
Schedule a free consultation with me to discuss your specific situation and develop a strategy that protects your wellbeing while achieving your goals. Together, we can transform this challenging transition into the beginning of a healthier, happier chapter in your life. Remember: filing for divorce when your spouse won't isn't giving up—it's finally standing up for yourself. 
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Originally Published August, 2021. Updated March 2025.
We've all heard it countless times: "Divorce is so hard on children; parents should stick it out for the kids!" This well-intentioned advice gets passed around like an unquestionable truth, placing enormous guilt on parents contemplating separation.
Yes, divorce is challenging for children. But what's often overlooked in these conversations is how much more damaging it can be for children to live in a home filled with tension, conflict, resentment, and emotional neglect. A home where children walk on eggshells around their parents. A home where they learn to manipulate warring adults to get their needs met. A home where healthy relationships remain an abstract concept rather than a lived reality. 
As a divorce coach who has worked with hundreds of families, I've witnessed firsthand how divorce—when handled with intention and care—can create a path toward healing and growth for the entire family. Let me share why separating might actually be the healthier choice for your children, even though the journey isn't easy.
The Hidden Damage of "Staying Together for the Kids"
When parents remain in a deeply unhappy or dysfunctional marriage solely for their children's sake, they often don't realize the subtle yet profound messages they're sending. Children are incredibly perceptive; they absorb the unspoken dynamics of a household like sponges.
In homes affected by roommate syndrome—where parents have emotionally disconnected but continue living under the same roof—children observe a relationship devoid of affection, respect, or genuine partnership. This creates a distorted template for what relationships should look like.
What Children Learn in an Unhappy Home:
One client's story illustrates this perfectly. Maria's (name changed) middle school children were living in a household where their father struggled with alcoholism and bipolar disorder. Their home life was unpredictable and often frightening, with the children never knowing which version of their father they would encounter each day.
The constant stress manifested in declining grades, social withdrawal, and anxiety symptoms. Though Maria worried about how divorce would affect her children, the reality of their current situation was already causing significant harm. The children weren't thriving—they were surviving. How Divorce Can Create Positive Change for Children
After careful consideration and preparation, Maria made the difficult decision to divorce. What happened next surprised her: rather than creating additional trauma, the separation became a catalyst for healing.
With the marriage ended, her ex-husband finally acknowledged the severity of his conditions and sought professional help. With my help, Maria established clear boundaries and structured visitation that prioritized the children's emotional safety. Within months, her children's academic performance improved, they reconnected with friends, and the constant anxiety they'd lived with began to dissipate.
This story isn't uncommon among families I've worked with. When parents separate thoughtfully, with proper support systems in place, children often experience:
Age-Specific Considerations When Divorcing with ChildrenBirth to Age 10: The Adaptability Advantage
Younger children often demonstrate remarkable resilience during family transitions like divorce. While they certainly need support and reassurance, they typically haven't yet internalized rigid ideas about what families "should" look like.
For children under 10, the consistency of routines and the emotional availability of their parents matter far more than whether those parents live under the same roof. These children tend to adapt more readily to new living arrangements, particularly when both parents:
One father I worked with was amazed at how quickly his 6-year-old and 8-year-old adjusted to their new family structure. "They were sad at first," he shared, "but once they understood the schedule and saw that Mom and I could talk without fighting, they seemed relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted off their small shoulders."
Ages 10-18: Navigating the Teen Terrain
The teenage years bring additional complexity to family transitions. Adolescents are developing their identities while also managing intense hormonal and social changes. When divorce enters this already tumultuous period, reactions can vary dramatically.
Some teens make their parents' divorce "about them," creating additional drama or using the situation to manipulate both households. Others, particularly those who've witnessed years of parental conflict or lived through toxic family dynamics, may actually feel relieved when their parents separate.
I remember working with mom who said her 16-year-old confided, "I've been wishing you would divorce since I was twelve. Living with you fighting or ignoring each other was worse than anything. At least now everyone can stop pretending."
For teenagers experiencing divorce, what helps most is:
Breaking Free from Roommate Syndrome
Signs your marriage may have devolved into roommate syndrome include:
When parents in this situation divorce mindfully, children gain the opportunity to see their parents potentially find happiness—either in healthier relationships or in the authenticity of contentedly single life. This gives children permission to prioritize their own emotional well-being in future relationships.
Recommended Resources for Parents
If you or someone you know is going through a divorce with children, read this post of books I highly recommend. I often suggest these to my clients, and they're available at most local libraries or online.
Moving Forward: Creating a Positive Post-Divorce Family
Divorce doesn't end your family; it reorganizes it. The most important factor in children's adjustment isn't whether their parents stayed married, but how their parents manage the separation process and co-parenting relationship.
Research consistently shows that the level of conflict between parents is the strongest predictor of children's adjustment problems—not the divorce itself. When parents can maintain a cooperative co-parenting relationship with low conflict, children typically adjust well over time.
Steps for creating a positive transition include:
Final Thoughts: Choosing Courage Over Comfort
Staying in an unhappy marriage isn't noble sacrifice—it's modeling settling for less than you deserve. Divorce with children requires tremendous courage, but sometimes it's exactly what everyone needs to thrive.
I won't sugar-coat this: navigating divorce with children is challenging. This is precisely why I do what I do: helping my clients become the best versions of themselves throughout the divorce process so they can be the best possible parents for their children. If you're contemplating divorce and worried about your children, remember that they deserve parents who are thriving, not just surviving. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do for your family is to choose a new path forward.
Are you struggling with making this difficult decision? As a Certified Divorce Coach, I help parents navigate these complex choices with their children's best interests at heart. Contact me for a consultation to discuss your specific situation.
*Originally Published: January 2023*
*Last Updated: February 2025*
Just like a house fire, divorce can feel overwhelming and chaotic when it first begins. As both a property manager who has handled multiple fire emergencies and a professional divorce coach, I've learned that preparation and knowledge are your greatest allies in any crisis.
When Your Marriage Feels Like It's Going Up in Flames
I remember sitting at home one evening, scrolling through my phone while my husband practiced guitar. Our holiday celebrations had just wound down after our son's New Year's Eve birthday when the urgent text came through: "Aimee's apartment is on fire." As we waited for the fire chief's call, I felt an unexpected sense of calm. Why? Because I knew exactly what to do. I had been through this before.
This experience mirrors what I see in my divorce coaching practice. When you're prepared and have expert guidance, even the most challenging situations become manageable. Let me share that same sense of calm and preparedness with you. 
Signs Your Marriage Might Be Heading Toward Divorce
Before we dive into preparation steps, let's acknowledge some common indicators that often bring clients to my door:
- Communication has broken down despite attempts at improvement - You're walking on eggshells to avoid conflict - Separate lives have become the norm - Financial discussions always end in arguments - Intimacy and emotional connection have disappeared Essential Financial Preparations Before Divorce
Please note that if you are in an emergency or dangerous situation, you may not have time to do this. It is far more important to protect you and your children's well being than to have all of these financial steps in place. Consider these a guide but not a requirement in order to take that first step towards divorce by booking a call with me.
Emotional Preparation: Protecting Your Well-being
Practical Steps to Take Now
2. Create Emotional Boundaries
- Establish private communication channels - Maintain a journal to document important events - Practice self-care routines - Set limits on divorce-related discussions The Role of a Divorce Coach in Your Journey
As your divorce coach, I serve as your personal guide through this challenging transition. I help you:
- Understand your options - Create a strategic plan - Make informed decisions - Navigate emotional challenges - Prepare for legal consultations - Build confidence in your future I sincerely appreciated Katie's effort, communication, and sound judgement. To have her by my side providing advice from her wealth of experience, both personal, and that of her many clients, was incredibly comforting and helped me to feel like I was doing the very best I could do with the best information I had available to me. Every divorce comes with stress, and millions of to-do's, and worries, and am-I-doing-this-right's, and having Katie available as often as she was to provide the assistance she was able to provide was very helpful, and gave me the strength and confidence to keep pushing forward. Thank you, Katie! ~Amanda A, Morton, Illinois Moving Forward with Confidence
Just as I felt calm during our property emergency because I knew what to do, you can face divorce with confidence when you're properly prepared. Having helped numerous clients navigate this journey, I've seen how preparation can transform a crisis into an opportunity for positive change.
I wish I could document how many times someone calls me months or even YEARS into the divorce process, after spending tens of thousands of dollars, saying they wished they had hired me from the beginning. Instead, they thought they could handle it on their own, that the attorney their friend referred them to would work well for them and their spouse would be reasonable. Unfortunately, those friend and family referred attorneys don't often work out and spouses can get *very* unreasonable once papers are filed if it's not handled properly. An investment in a divorce coach pays dividends in cost savings, emotional well being for everyone and saves months or even years of time navigating the confusing court system. My most common package costs the equivalent of 4 attorney hours, but clients get me 1:1 for an entire year. Just think of how much they save in attorney fees! If your budget is tight, be sure to check out my course: "Trail Guide to Divorcing With Dignity" You get all of the information at a pace and time you choose. Ready to Take the Next Step?
Originally Published: January 28, 2022 Last Updated: February 2024
The morning sun streams through your window, bringing with it a chance for change. Every new day offers an opportunity to transform your life, to choose a different path. I know this firsthand because I have stood exactly where you might be standing now - at the crossroads of staying in an unfulfilling marriage or taking that first brave step toward change.
Today, I wake up beside my loving husband, surrounded by the joyful chaos of our two wonderful children. This life, this happiness - it all started with one decision. One step forward into the unknown. As a divorce coach, I've witnessed countless clients transform their lives just as I did, but I understand the weight of that first step. 
Understanding When It's Time To Divorce
Katie was a much needed consultant for me! I did not know anything about what the divorce process would be like. She was there for me EVERY step of the way!! Thank you, Katie! ~Sheryl S, Dunlap, Illinois The True Cost Of Waiting To Divorce
Katie was so wonderful! During what started out as a very stressful time in my life she helped me stay grounded and focused on the end result which was what was best for me and my family. She offered good advice and made herself available to talk and reassure me! Emotional Journey and Common Fears of Divorce
Breaking Free From Divorce Myths
The Power of Professional Support
Success Stories That Light the Way
I think about Sarah, who came to me terrified of financial ruin. Today, she runs her own successful business. Or Maria, who worried she'd never co-parent effectively with her ex - now they're a model of healthy post-divorce parenting. These women, like you, just needed someone to help them take that first step. Read more testimonials from past clients and see how their lives were transformed!
Your Divorce Journey Begins Here
The future you desire might be just one decision away. As someone who has walked this path both personally and professionally, I can tell you that what lies ahead often surpasses our wildest dreams. The unknown isn't your enemy - it's fertile ground for new possibilities.
Divorce Problem 1: Fear of Damaging Their Image
Client Story: Lisa was a successful businesswoman in Peoria, Illinois. When her marriage began to unravel, she feared the gossip and scrutiny that would follow. Together, we crafted a “public narrative” for her divorce, focusing on shared parenting and mutual respect. I coached her on handling difficult conversations with colleagues and friends while maintaining boundaries. Lisa told me later that she felt empowered to share only what was necessary, avoiding unnecessary drama and protecting her professional reputation.
If you are wondering if you should get a divorce coach, let this be your sign: YES! Katie was incredible throughout the entire process. I was so lucky to come across her name in a google search, as I stumbled to find my way through my divorce. With Katie’s help, I went from feeling overwhelmed to feeling focused and in control. She has vast knowledge, caring attitude, and practical approach. You don’t have to go through it alone or take advice from friends and family that may not understand all the intricacies of the process. I highly recommend her services! There’s a saying, “Luck favors the prepared”. Katie was my lucky charm, she prepared me for the biggest decisions of my life. Thank you! ~Jessica D, Dunlap, Illinois Divorce Problem 2: Concerns About Childrens' Well-Being
Client Story: Mark was a father of two young boys from Mackinaw, Illinois and was devastated by the thought of how the divorce might affect them. He didn’t want his conflict with his ex to spill over into their lives. I worked with Mark to develop a co-parenting plan that prioritized the boys’ routines and emotional needs. We practiced calm communication strategies for interactions with his ex. Mark later shared that the tools he learned allowed his boys to adjust well, feeling secure and loved despite the family changes.
I am so grateful I choose to work with Katie. From the start, Katie was kind and professional, empathetic and helpful. With her knowledge and guidance, it gave me the confidence to work with my ex as we navigated the ending of our marriage. It was extremely important to us both that the process remain amicable. Divorce Problem 3: Fear of Financial Instability
Story: Samantha, from Morton, Illinois was terrified of losing her financial independence after her divorce. She didn’t fully understand the financial implications of the settlement and felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of paperwork. I helped Samantha organize her financial documents, identify key priorities and prepare thoughtful questions for her attorney. I also connected her with a trusted financial planner in Morton to ensure her long-term stability. By the time the divorce was finalized, Samantha felt in control of her finances and confident about her future.
Divorce Problem 4: Overwhelmed by Legal Complexity
Client Story: Tom, from Dunlap, Illinois, had never been involved in legal matters before and was completely overwhelmed by the divorce process. He didn’t know how to select the right attorney or even where to start. I helped Tom define his goals, assess Family Law attorneys in Central Illinois and prepare questions to ask during consultations. We also broke down the legal steps into manageable tasks. Tom later told me that having someone guide him through the process gave him the clarity and confidence he needed to make informed decisions and feel empowered through the process.
Divorce Problem 5: Emotional Exhaustion and Isolation
Client Story: Emily, from East Peoria, Illinois felt utterly alone during her divorce. She didn’t want to burden her friends and family, and the stress left her feeling emotionally drained. In our coaching sessions, I provided a safe space for Emily to share her fears and frustrations. We worked together to help her find a local Peoria Therapist she loved to help her manage stress. We set small daily goals to restore her sense of normalcy. Emily found solace in having a judgment-free zone and the practical tools she needed to regain her energy and optimism.
Divorce Problem 6: Uncertainty About the Future
Client Story: After 20 years of marriage, Ben from Chillicothe, Illinois felt lost about what his life would look like post-divorce. He had no idea where to start or how to rebuild. I worked with Ben to map out his personal and professional goals, focusing on what he wanted for his next chapter. We created an action plan, from taking a course to improve his skills in carpentry, setting small personal health milestones and he joined a local hiking group. A year later, Ben reached out to tell me he felt like himself again—confident and excited about his future.
Are you ready to take control of your divorce story?
“Life is hard—not because we’re doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.” – Glennon Doyle
When my first marriage began to unravel, I kept asking myself, Why is this so hard? I thought I had chosen the right partner. He was intelligent, hardworking, frugal, and kind—just like me. We were both good people. Shouldn’t this have been enough? 
Our Marriage Wasn't Working
But it wasn’t. As difficult as divorce seemed, not divorcing would have been exponentially harder.
Once I realized it was okay for two good people to not be good together, I started to see my situation more clearly. Divorce no longer felt like failure; it felt like choosing a better future. Accepting that my personality or work ethic didn’t guarantee marital success allowed me to focus on my personal success and healing. Letting go of the notion that divorce meant I was unworthy of love made moving forward possible. Divorce Is Hard
—so hard. But it wasn’t because we did anything wrong. In fact, deciding to part ways was one of the bravest, healthiest decisions we could have made.
What If I Hadn't Made the Decision to Divorce?
Would we have stayed together for years, only to face a high-conflict divorce later? Would raising children in an unhappy home have made co-parenting with a narcissist even more challenging? Would I have had the energy to pursue my passions—like starting my art gallery or becoming a divorce coach?
The truth is, staying stuck is often harder than leaving. Many of my clients—whether they’re searching for a lawyer near them for divorce or navigating the challenges of co-parenting—share how relieved they feel once their divorce is finalized. They’re often surprised by how quickly life starts to feel lighter and brighter.
One client told me, “I was so angry at myself for waiting this long. I feel like I can finally breathe again.” Another shared how her attorney for family law near her helped her understand the process, but she needed a divorce coach to provide emotional clarity and support.
Divorce is undeniably hard, especially in cases of high-conflict divorces or when co-parenting with a difficult ex. But choosing the right support system—a knowledgeable family law attorney, a high-conflict divorce coach, and a plan for your future—can make all the difference. Finding Clarity in the Chaos
When Rachel first called me, she sounded completely overwhelmed. “I don’t even know where to start,” she admitted, her voice cracking. “I never thought I’d be here—Googling ‘divorce coach’ because I don’t know what else to do.”
Rachel’s story isn’t unique, but it’s still deeply personal. Like so many others, she had been stuck in what I call the limbo stage--that place where you’re not sure whether to stay or leave. Every day felt like a battle: arguments with her spouse, sleepless nights, and the constant fear of making the wrong decision. She had already consulted a lawyer near her for divorce, but even with the legal side in motion, she felt lost. “I thought once I hired an attorney, I’d feel more in control,” she said. “But the logistics of divorce are just one piece of the puzzle. What about everything else? The emotions, the decisions about my kids, the life I’m trying to rebuild—how do I handle all of that?” This is where divorce coaching comes in.
During our first session, I asked Rachel a question that changed everything for her: What does your life look like one year from now, if everything has gone the way you hope?
For the first time in months, she paused and really thought about her answer. She didn’t talk about court battles or dividing assets; she described peace. She envisioned a home filled with laughter instead of tension, a co-parenting arrangement that worked for her children, and a career she could focus on without constant distractions. As a divorce coach, my role is to help clients like Rachel bridge the gap between where they are now and where they want to be. For Rachel, that meant unpacking her fears, breaking down the overwhelming process into manageable steps, and learning how to advocate for herself during a high-conflict divorce. 
Over the next few months, Rachel transformed. She grew more confident in communicating her needs with her attorney and setting boundaries with her spouse. She even started to see glimpses of the life she had described in our first session—a life filled with peace and possibility.
When her divorce was finalized, Rachel told me, “I couldn’t have done this without you. My lawyer handled the legal stuff, but you helped me find myself again.” Whether you’re just starting to explore your options or are already knee-deep in the process, a divorce coach can provide clarity and support in ways you might not expect. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to move forward, let’s talk. Your next chapter is waiting, and you don’t have to face it alone. Schedule your Free 30 Minute Divorce Consultation call today—because sometimes, the hardest step is the first one. |
