“Life is hard—not because we’re doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.” – Glennon Doyle
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When my first marriage began to unravel, I kept asking myself, Why is this so hard? I thought I had chosen the right partner. He was intelligent, hardworking, frugal, and kind—just like me. We were both good people. Shouldn’t this have been enough?

But it wasn’t. As difficult as divorce seemed, not divorcing would have been exponentially harder.

Once I realized it was okay for two good people to not be good together, I started to see my situation more clearly. Divorce no longer felt like failure; it felt like choosing a better future. Accepting that my personality or work ethic didn’t guarantee marital success allowed me to focus on my personal success and healing. Letting go of the notion that divorce meant I was unworthy of love made moving forward possible.

—so hard. But it wasn’t because we did anything wrong. In fact, deciding to part ways was one of the bravest, healthiest decisions we could have made.

Would we have stayed together for years, only to face a high-conflict divorce later? Would raising children in an unhappy home have made co-parenting with a narcissist even more challenging? Would I have had the energy to pursue my passions—like starting my art gallery or becoming a divorce coach?
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The truth is, staying stuck is often harder than leaving. Many of my clients—whether they’re searching for a lawyer near them for divorce or navigating the challenges of co-parenting—share how relieved they feel once their divorce is finalized. They’re often surprised by how quickly life starts to feel lighter and brighter.

One client told me, “I was so angry at myself for waiting this long. I feel like I can finally breathe again.” Another shared how her attorney for family law near her helped her understand the process, but she needed a divorce coach to provide emotional clarity and support.

Divorce is undeniably hard, especially in cases of high-conflict divorces or when co-parenting with a difficult ex. But choosing the right support system—a knowledgeable family law attorney, a high-conflict divorce coach, and a plan for your future—can make all the difference.

When Rachel first called me, she sounded completely overwhelmed. “I don’t even know where to start,” she admitted, her voice cracking. “I never thought I’d be here—Googling ‘divorce coach’ because I don’t know what else to do.”

Rachel’s story isn’t unique, but it’s still deeply personal. Like so many others, she had been stuck in what I call the limbo stage--that place where you’re not sure whether to stay or leave. Every day felt like a battle: arguments with her spouse, sleepless nights, and the constant fear of making the wrong decision.

She had already consulted a lawyer near her for divorce, but even with the legal side in motion, she felt lost. “I thought once I hired an attorney, I’d feel more in control,” she said. “But the logistics of divorce are just one piece of the puzzle. What about everything else? The emotions, the decisions about my kids, the life I’m trying to rebuild—how do I handle all of that?”

During our first session, I asked Rachel a question that changed everything for her: What does your life look like one year from now, if everything has gone the way you hope?

For the first time in months, she paused and really thought about her answer. She didn’t talk about court battles or dividing assets; she described peace. She envisioned a home filled with laughter instead of tension, a co-parenting arrangement that worked for her children, and a career she could focus on without constant distractions.
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As a divorce coach, my role is to help clients like Rachel bridge the gap between where they are now and where they want to be. For Rachel, that meant unpacking her fears, breaking down the overwhelming process into manageable steps, and learning how to advocate for herself during a high-conflict divorce.

Over the next few months, Rachel transformed. She grew more confident in communicating her needs with her attorney and setting boundaries with her spouse. She even started to see glimpses of the life she had described in our first session—a life filled with peace and possibility.

When her divorce was finalized, Rachel told me, “I couldn’t have done this without you. My lawyer handled the legal stuff, but you helped me find myself again.”

Whether you’re just starting to explore your options or are already knee-deep in the process, a divorce coach can provide clarity and support in ways you might not expect. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to move forward, let’s talk.

Your next chapter is waiting, and you don’t have to face it alone. Schedule your Free 30 Minute Divorce Consultation call today—because sometimes, the hardest step is the first one.

Thanksgiving is often seen as a time to reflect on what we’re grateful for, but for those navigating their first Thanksgiving during or after a divorce, it can feel anything but celebratory. As a divorce coach, I’ve walked this road myself and supported many clients through similar challenges. I remember my own first Thanksgiving post-divorce vividly.

the very week of Thanksgiving. I remember the overwhelming loneliness of walking into family gatherings solo. Social media, with its flood of happy couples and cozy family moments, only deepened my sense of isolation. My ex was off traveling with his family, and I couldn’t leave town because I was launching a new business. The weight of my full-time job, the demands of my business, and my sleep deprivation left me feeling utterly unlovable.

This week, a client shared her own story with me. Her ex-husband, who had barely lifted a finger in their marriage, was now hosting Thanksgiving, complete with cooking alongside their kids. She admitted, “It feels like a slap in the face. Why couldn’t he do these things for me when we were together?”

As a divorce coach in Central Illinois, I’ve seen the frustration of watching an ex suddenly take actions they never would have considered during the marriage—hosting family gatherings, exercising, or spending more time with the kids. It stirs up emotions of inadequacy and confusion: Wasn’t I worth that effort?

​After sharing her story, my client and I worked together to reframe her experience. While it was painful to see her ex doing things she had long wished for during their marriage, we discussed how his actions no longer defined her worth. Instead, we focused on her own strength in creating a peaceful, welcoming holiday environment for herself and her children. She decided to plan a special day that reflected her values—a relaxed, low-pressure meal with a few close friends and family, followed by games and laughter with her kids. By focusing on what she could control, she began to reclaim the holiday as her own, finding moments of joy amidst the grief. This shift reminded her that Thanksgiving, like life after divorce, is about finding gratitude in the small, meaningful things while giving herself grace to grieve the rest.

Here’s what I’ve learned and share with my clients: Divorce changes people. It forces everyone involved to reevaluate their lives and often sparks behavior shifts. While it’s tempting to view these changes as spiteful or directed at us, it’s important to recognize that these actions are more about their journey than a reflection of your worth.

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Feeling sad, angry, or envious is normal. Let those emotions surface without judgment.
2. Write It Out: Journaling your thoughts can help process complicated feelings.
3. Focus on What You Can Control: Create new traditions or rituals that feel meaningful to you.
   
4. Practice Gratitude, Without Guilt: You can be thankful for what you have while grieving what you’ve lost.​​

but it’s also transformative. Looking back now, almost 20 years after my divorce, I see how much I’ve grown. I’ve built a fulfilling life with my husband, Ben, and our children. We host Thanksgiving together—a joyful, collaborative effort. I often wish I could go back in time to hug my younger self and reassure her: You’re doing the right thing. Trust yourself.

You’re not just surviving—you’re paving the way to something greater. 
XO
Katie

When it comes to addiction, most people think of substances like alcohol or gambling. But there is another insidious addiction that can consume one's life—an addiction to saving a marriage that has long since become toxic and unsalvageable. As a divorce coach, I’ve witnessed countless clients go through this heartbreaking cycle. They find themselves constantly hoping, holding on to fleeting positive moments that give them just enough of a glimmer to keep pulling the lever on a marriage that’s stuck in a destructive loop. If you feel like this describes your situation, you are not alone—and there is a way out.

Let me share the story of Jessica (name changed for privacy). Jessica came to me feeling exhausted and defeated. She had spent years trapped in what I call "roommate syndrome" with her husband. They were living under the same roof, but any emotional and physical connection was long gone. They coexisted, but they didn’t truly share a life. On rare occasions, her husband would surprise her—a spontaneous dinner date or a heartfelt compliment that made her believe things could get better. But these moments of hope were always followed by weeks of distance, arguments, and cold silences.

Jessica was addicted to these glimmers of positivity, like a gambler at a slot machine. She clung to the hope that the next small win would be the jackpot she had long sought—a return to the loving marriage they once had. Each brief moment of happiness pulled her back in, preventing her from truly acknowledging that their relationship had become a toxic cycle.

When Jessica sought my help as a divorce coach, we began by facing the reality of her situation. Through divorce coaching, we worked to break down the patterns that kept her stuck. One of the most powerful realizations was that she had been throwing her "good emotions, good energy, and good time" after bad. I told Jessica that healing starts when you take control of your own story, and she was ready to do just that.

The process wasn’t easy. Addiction of any kind is difficult to break, but with my support as her dedicated divorce coach, Jessica gradually realized that her well-being mattered. She began setting boundaries and engaging in open communication—not with the expectation that her marriage would suddenly change, but with the commitment to protect her own mental and emotional health.

Jessica eventually made the courageous decision to separate. It was painful, but with divorce coaching by her side, she discovered strength she didn’t know she possessed. She is now rebuilding her life with a sense of clarity and empowerment that seemed impossible before.

One of the most common yet shame-filled reasons for seeking a divorce is the sense of simply "living as roommates" rather than as a married couple. It’s a feeling that clients often hesitate to share with a divorce coach or their divorce attorney because they fear it’s not a “real” reason for divorce. But the reality is, many couples reach a stage where they experience *nothing* – no passion, no meaningful conversations, no intimacy, no empathy, no excitement, and not even arguments. It’s just a persistent, empty silence that grows over time. ​

The cycle leading to this “roommate syndrome” often starts innocuously. A couple gets married, perhaps aware that things aren’t perfect but hoping they’ll get better. They decide to have children, and suddenly, the small annoyances magnify. Over time, these minor irritations are pushed aside or ignored. The issues may be addressed briefly, only for promises of change to fade away. ​

As a divorce coach, I encounter many individuals who struggle with guilt and shame over the thought of divorcing under these circumstances. They feel that since there hasn’t been abuse or infidelity, they “shouldn’t” be so unhappy. But I can assure you, through countless divorce coaching sessions, that this situation is far more common than most people realize. The strain of “roommate syndrome” can be emotionally exhausting and profoundly isolating, especially when one partner is ready to make a change and the other is content with the status quo.

Lisa and Mark (not their real names) had been married for almost twenty years when Lisa first considered divorce. They’d built a life together, raised two children, and had all the trappings of a “successful” marriage: a comfortable home, shared family memories, and close-knit friends. But behind closed doors, Lisa felt an ever-growing emptiness. For years, she and Mark had lived like roommates rather than partners. Conversations centered around schedules and bills, intimacy had become a distant memory, and laughter seemed to have disappeared along with their shared dreams. 

At first, Lisa shrugged it off as a phase. “We’re just busy,” she told herself, “It’ll get better.” But as the years passed, the feeling deepened. She tried initiating date nights, bringing up the idea of counseling, and even asked Mark for more quality time. Mark’s responses were polite, though indifferent. He would nod along, make promises, and occasionally put in a half-hearted effort, but they’d always end up right back where they started: a life of “nothingness.”

As their children grew older, Lisa started planning to wait things out until they graduated, thinking it was her only option. She didn’t believe her feelings were “serious” enough to justify leaving – after all, Mark wasn’t abusive, unfaithful, or neglectful in any overt way. The shame she felt over the idea of leaving just because they “weren’t in love” anymore kept her stuck.

Then, she reached out to a therapist on her own. In their first session, Lisa was hesitant, feeling embarrassed to admit she was unhappy without a “real” reason. But as she shared her story, her therapist validated her feelings and reassured her that this “roommate syndrome” was more common than she realized. “Many couples find themselves here,” her therapist said, “And there’s no shame in wanting more for yourself.”

Lisa then hired me as her divorce coach and through the divorce coaching process, Lisa explored what she wanted for her life. She was able to process the guilt and fear holding her back and make a decision aligned with her values. For the first time in years, she felt a sense of hope for the future. I helped her plan the next steps, including how to approach the topic with Mark and prepare herself emotionally and financially. 

While Mark was initially taken aback when Lisa brought up the idea of divorce, he eventually admitted he, too, had been feeling disconnected for a long time. With guidance from me, Lisa navigated each stage of divorce with confidence, knowing she wasn’t alone in her journey.

Now, with a renewed sense of purpose, Lisa’s future felt more open than it had in years. The coaching had empowered her to recognize that she wasn’t selfish for wanting more – she was simply honoring her own need for connection, joy, and fulfillment.

Although it’s still beautiful fall weather, I recently re-read *Wintering* by Katherine May. As someone who loves winter, I was immediately drawn into her imagery of cozy blankets, flickering candles, and the comforting warmth of a hot toddy. But the book’s purpose goes beyond these cozy winter scenes. May explores “wintering” as a metaphor for facing the hardest times in life—job losses, illnesses, parenting struggles, and other challenging periods. Her book shares her own wintering experience and, as I read it, I couldn’t help but think of my own dark seasons as well as the ones my clients are navigating now. I wish I had read this book two decades ago! ​

Understanding this struggle, I’ve created a course called *Trail Guide to Navigating Your Divorce.* This course is designed specifically for those who may feel too embarrassed to talk openly about their divorce, yet still want structured, compassionate support. The course provides step-by-step guidance to help you manage the emotional and practical challenges of divorce at your own pace. With *Trail Guide to Navigating Your Divorce,* you can access vital information, practical tools, and the comfort of knowing you’re not alone—all without having to discuss your journey directly if you're not ready.

If you’re hesitant to reach out in person, this course is an affordable and discreet resource that helps you move forward with confidence. You’ll find strategies for addressing grief, tools for rebuilding self-esteem, and guidance on navigating each stage of the divorce process. Taking this first step, even privately, can be a powerful act of self-care and a pathway toward healing on your terms.

"Throwing in the Towel"
"Giving Up on a Good Thing"
"Walking Away from Marriage"
"Marriage is Hard Work… You Just Need to Try Harder!"

All of these phrases get used by people who don’t understand why a couple decides to divorce. As a divorce coach, I often hear these comments from clients whose friends and family are completely blindsided by their decision to separate. It’s already a challenging time for anyone going through divorce, but it becomes even harder when others question or judge your decision.
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Not only are we working through our own emotions during a divorce, but we often find ourselves managing the emotions of those around us—family members, friends, even acquaintances. My clients frequently share that they’re put in the difficult spot of either revealing the private struggles in their marriage to justify their divorce or keeping quiet and facing judgment, because "surely things aren't that bad."

​Even when clients end up choosing to explain, they are often accused of exaggerating or lying. It’s a no-win situation. I deeply wish people outside the marriage would stop insisting on understanding a divorce in such detail. Divorce is hard enough without having to justify it to others.

Let’s start with the basics: your divorce is your business. Period.

Just recently, one of my clients shared how their friend group had taken a very toxic stance on the divorce, blocking them on social media and refusing to hear their side of the story. While the divorce had originally been mutual and amicable, the added tension from friends was causing the situation to become hostile. This client’s spouse, who had been reasonable at the start, was now becoming difficult to work with. This will now un-necessarily cost the couple more money in legal fees and time, not to mention, added emotional strain.  All because some, albeit close, outsiders think they need to understand a personal issue between two people.  
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Another personal example: When I was going through my own divorce, I was out with some friends when a woman I had just met learned about my situation. She became wildly upset with me, saying I was making a stupid decision and couldn’t understand why I would get divorced. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and they start lecturing you on one of the most personal and intense decisions of your life! Back then, I felt the need to justify myself. Now, as a divorce coach, I coach my clients to be prepared for this sort of reaction and not feel obligated to explain their deeply personal choices.

This is a tough one. Many marriages end due to sensitive issues like addiction (pornography, drugs, alcohol), mental health struggles, or childhood trauma. Even in these cases, people often still care about their spouse and want to protect their image, even if the marriage itself isn’t salvageable.

During my own divorce, a customer at my workplace asked me out of the blue, “Why are you getting a divorce?” I was floored. It was an extremely personal question, and completely inappropriate for a professional setting. Had I revealed the private details of my marriage to him, it could have spread throughout our small town. Instead, I gave a generic answer and quickly changed the subject.

Some divorces take years or even decades to unfold. Marriages can deteriorate over time, with both partners trying everything from marriage counseling to open relationships, only to find that they simply can’t stay together. These couples may seem happy on the outside, but inside, they’ve reached a point of hopelessness.
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These types of divorces are the hardest for outsiders to understand. “There’s no abuse, so why are they divorcing?” “They still love each other, so why split up?” “They look so happy on Facebook!” But no one really sees the years of struggle, the emotional distance, and the attempts to repair what is broken. To outsiders, it may seem like the couple is "throwing in the towel," but in reality, it’s years of irreparable damage.

If someone you care about is going through a divorce, you don’t need to know all the details. Offer your support by simply saying, “I’m here for you if you need to talk,” and respect their privacy. Helping them in practical ways, like taking them to dinner or helping with errands, can make a world of difference. Divorce is a form of grief, even for those who choose it.
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If you are the one going through a divorce and feel pressured to explain, I recommend using a "grey rock" response to deflect intrusive questions. For example, “Thank you for your concern, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing that.” Having a prepared response can help you maintain your boundaries and avoid being caught off guard.

How have you handled intrusive questions about your divorce? Or, have you ever found yourself surprised by someone else’s divorce and felt compelled to understand? Share your thoughts below.

XO- Katie

Well, Hello again!  It’s been a couple months since I’ve written in this space. The end of summer was busy but sweet for our family.  Our son went to a three week long summer camp and upon returning it was a dash to get ready for school to start. Our daughter enjoyed every last drop of summer break swimming at the lake with her friends.  While I love the easy-ness of summer, I’m always ready for the rhythm and routine of the school year to start back up!  
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As soon as school started my consultation calendar started filling up.  It makes sense that people want to wait for certain seasons to be over before embarking on filing for divorce.  It’s hard to find the brain space and emotional capacity to even begin to learn about how to file for divorce, child custody laws, spousal support or dividing assets during divorce when you’re busy running kids from activity to activity.

Before you start into the deep dive of more divorce questions (How to tell kids about divorce? How much does a divorce cost? What are the effects of divorce on children? How long does divorce take?) consider if this really is the RIGHT path for you and your family.  I make every effort to help my clients have an amicable divorce.  I love helping my clients divorce quickly and inexpensively.  But I know that divorce is hard no matter what and if there are issues in your marriage that maybe just need to be addressed I would encourage you to seek that first.  

XO 
Katie

Clients come to me unsure of what’s real and what’s not. They KNOW what they want. They are already empowered to help themselves when they contact me for a free consultation.  

They call me to be able to divorce well. They want SO badly to keep their divorces calm and protect their children.  They don’t want to waste money by hiring the wrong lawyer.  They would love to co-parent well, despite the years of abuse.  They want to hold their head high at the local grocery store and not be scared to bump into someone they know.  They know that other people have a skewed interpretation of their marriage.  They still want to protect the image of their spouse to everyone in their community.  

You may not understand it. They may not tell you about the abuse.  But if they do, it’s important to listen. They have been so scared to share their feelings for so long.  They’ve been conditioned by their spouse to think their reality is normal.

XO
​Katie

"I guess I'm going to have to file, because she never will even though she threatens all the time" another client sighed to me the other day.  "Our life is miserable. We only talk to figure out who's picking the kids up from baseball or who's driving to swimming.  And the fighting!  This just is really bad but she refuses to go to therapy with me. I don't know what else to do." 

How is it possible that your spouse can seem to despise just the SIGHT of you so much but they refuse to just file for divorce?  It feels like they live to make you miserable.  They criticize, pick fights, stonewall or straight up scream about the latest mistake you made. 

But yet, they refuse to go to marriage counseling.  

But yet, YOU are the problem.  

But yet, YOU are not trying hard enough. 

I believe Ego is the driver for most divorces.  Ego stops us from seeking marriage counseling. Ego makes us think that WE don't need therapy.  Ego makes us put up appearances in public and social media as though everything is just perfect.  Ego tells us that WE'RE right and everyone else is definitely wrong.  Ego knows that filing for divorce will make us look bad so there's no WAY we're going to do that. Nope, we'd rather be blissfully (albeit angrily) ignorant about our state of affairs.  

Are you dealing with someone who's ego prevents them from just being nice?  Are you nervous every time you hear the garage door open, knowing the energy of the home is about to shift negatively?  Do you walk on eggshells every time you're around your spouse to avoid upsetting them?  

If they are refusing to do marriage or personal therapy, they are never going to change.  Bold of me to say?  I'm okay with that.  They're not.  No matter WHY they are like this, if they refuse to do the inner work and put in the effort, nothing will ever change.  

First, even if they refuse therapy, I encourage you to find a qualified and licensed therapist. You are going to need the emotional support.  Church based therapy is okay but I always prefer a licensed therapist.  Church based therapy can be a great starting point but it can come with biases. It also may turn off your partner and COULD be why they refuse to go.  I haven't seen enough good come out of Church therapy to outweigh the problems I have witnessed.  If that's where you're comfortable, start there to fill your Spiritual needs but also look for a licensed therapist. There are many that will do religious based counseling but with more education and training to support their practices.  

Second, you will need to accept that they are never going to file for divorce. They would rather live miserably than have outsiders think poorly of them.  I know this is a hard pill to swallow. After all, YOU are the one who is willing to work on the marriage! YOU are the one who has been bending over backwards to make this marriage work! YOU are the one who is STILL WILLING TO FORGIVE.  If only they could drop their ego....

Third, be prepared to be mentally and emotionally assaulted by them. Suddenly you will be the one that has caused the marriage to fail.  Not them, of course, because they are willing to stick with you through thick and thin. Through the good and (mostly) bad.  You will be the one who is going to mess up the kids with this crazy divorce idea.  Remember #1 above when I said you would need the emotional support? This is a huge reason why.  

You're going to feel a lot like this little Norway Spruce I planted.  Trying to survive with some rough elements around you.  Barely hanging on.  But you'll see growth.  You'll find the people and professionals who will care for and tend to you.  You'll regain your strength and put down new roots.  Your only regret will be not having filed for divorce sooner (said by almost ALL of my clients!)

If you think you are ready to start the divorce process, let's have a 30 minute call to talk about your concerns, perceived roadblocks and next steps.  Take a look at my calendar and pick a date and time that works for you. If you can't find something, send a message to me and we'll make it happen!

I have ZERO judgment if someone calls me and they are having an affair. Oftentimes the affair is the RESULT of a failed marriage, not the cause of one.  The marriage is already irretrievably broken for a variety of reasons.  Emotional Abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, drug and alcohol addictions, and mental health issues just to name a few all have already caused the marriage to fall apart. The victim is lost, confused, lonely and desiring love and connection. When they have faced all of these abuses and someone new walks into their life that is kind and gentle with them, it’s very easy for them to connect and fall head over heels.  

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If there are children involved in the divorce, it’s also important to have the emotional capacity to help them through the divorce. I’d rather see kids in a happy, divorced home than a toxic married home any day.  Usually children still love their other parent even if they are abusive.  They need help working through their big emotions.  I always recommend to parents that they find a therapist for their children at least through the divorce and possibly beyond if needed. It gives kids a trusted sounding board to work through their emotions.  Even with that, children need their parents to be emotionally available and mature for them. The kids will have big emotions and will often take these out on the parents.  If parents are daydreaming about their lover and excited to get the divorce over with as fast as possible so they can move in with them, they may be less inclined to see their children’s emotions as important or valid.  ​

I know what I know about Divorce Coaching but I leave the legal advice for the Family Law Attorneys. Partner at Butler, Meister and Giraudo in Morton, Illinois, Attorney Kelly Giraudo shared with me: "Illinois is a no-fault state, meaning that an affair will not be a relevant factor when considering the allocation of parental responsibilities or the division of assets and debts of the marriage."

At first glance, Hurray!  My clients quickly interpret that their affair won’t matter and carry on with the relationship, sometimes getting TOO casual.  Most likely it won’t in the sense of the final result. Where it WILL matter is in the length and amount of time it takes to get there.  As soon as the opposing council finds out about an affair you need to be prepared for a massive amount of questions and paperwork known as “Request to Produce and Interrogatories”.  The questions asked in these documents are required to be answered in a relatively short amount of time and they often are quite detailed.  I’ve had clients have to take days off work to fulfill their responses to these requests.  The requests range from additional financial disclosures to diary entries to strings of texts printed out.  This is not a fun place to find yourself in the middle of the divorce. Remember, the goal is to  divorce quickly, peacefully and inexpensively, while also being fair. Having this additional work added makes both attorneys' invoices jump considerably for the time needed to review and advise upon. Finding out about an affair is almost always an open door invitation for this expensive, time consuming next step.

According to Chicago attorney Raiford Dalton Palmer, Partner at STG Divorce Law, P.C., "It is important to know that affairs don't matter much to courts in many states - the "why" of a divorce is not important in Illinois, for example. Parties can't even mention cause for divorce in their pleadings (other than 'irreconcilable differences'). The only impact an extramarital affair has in terms of the nuts and bolts of divorce is financial in Illinois - that is, if the relationship involves waste of marital assets, the portion owned by the other spouse can be recovered. Note that in other states, however, an affair can be a very big deal to a court - leading to a denial of alimony, unequal division of assets, et cetera. As with anything like this, consult an experienced divorce lawyer in your area for legal advice."

So while it may not matter that much in impact on the settlement, it WILL matter in how long and expensive the process is to get there. 

An extramarital affair fulfills a need that many people in failing marriages desire but come with implications that aren’t necessarily legal based.  It’s easy to read what the attorneys say and think it’ll be okay to go ahead with a fling.  I encourage you to consider the collateral damage that comes with an affair before engaging in one, exposing it or becoming too casual about the relationship if you have not yet filed for divorce.  If the affair is already out in the open, it's important to continue to walk the path of divorce with dignity and respect for your partner that you are divorcing. They are having big emotions through the process and finding out about an affair tends to make people dig in their heels and fight more out of spite and hurt feelings.

​~Katie
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One of the more common reasons for wanting a divorce, yet the most filled with shame is, "We just don't act like we're married. It's like we're just roommates."  There's no abuse.  There's just NOTHING.

No passion. No conversation. No intimacy. No empathy.  No excitement. No arguing. 

Just nothing.

The cycle usually happens like this:
A couple gets married and although things aren't perfect, they're not terrible. They take the next steps to have children.  All of the little annoyances suddenly become BIG annoyances.  But they get shoved under the rug.  Ignored.  Or if they are brought up, changes never happen.  Sure, there might be promises and attempts for a brief period of time, but nothing sticks.

One partner asks the other to go to marriage counseling.  There's either a flat-out refusal or a half-hearted attempt which is usually abandoned after that partner feels attacked or like everything is resolved. So, it feels easier to go back to the usual rhythms of 'nothing.'

The unhappy(iest) partner festers.  He or she decides to stick it out until the kids have graduated.  They learn how to put on a good facade in public but at home they barely speak.  

When divorce finally is brought up, the other partner appears shocked. Despite not putting in any effort or attention, they put all blame for the divorce on the partner who suggests it.  A fresh cycle of shame and guilt begins again.

I say all of this because often when someone calls me and shares a similar story they feel so much shame and embarrassment. They think they're the only ones to ever experience this story. They don't think they have a valid reason to divorce. After all, there hasn't been abuse or an affair. But it's FAR more common than most people realize.  

If you've tried counseling and tried to work with your partner and nothing has changed, there's very little point in waiting. If divorce feel inevitable, the longer you stay together, the more your finances will become enmeshed. The less time you'll have to start fresh.  

​xo
​Katie

We’ve all heard this: "Divorce is so hard on children; parents should stick it out for the kids!"

Yes. It is.

But so is living in a home with fights, tension, jealousy and unmet needs. A home where the kids find themselves tip-toeing around their parents. A home where the kids learn to manipulate the fighting parents to get what they want. A home where healthy relationships are impossible to model.

I won't sugar coat this. Divorce IS hard on children. This is a huge reason why I do this: To help my clients be the best versions of themselves as they navigate their divorces so they can be the best versions of themselves for their children.
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If you or someone you know is going through a divorce with younger children, here are two books I recommend to my clients! I picked these up at our local library but they also can be found on Amazon.

I always appreciate referrals! If you know someone who might benefit from my service, please send them my way! They can text or call me at 309-840-0881.