Ego is the (marriage) enemy

We love Ryan Holiday and his book "Ego is the Enemy"

"I guess I'm going to have to file, because she never will even though she threatens all the time" another client sighed to me the other day.  "Our life is miserable. We only talk to figure out who's picking the kids up from baseball or who's driving to swimming.  And the fighting!  This just is really bad but she refuses to go to therapy with me. I don't know what else to do." 

When You Have to Be "The Bad Guy (or Lady)"

How is it possible that your spouse can seem to despise just the SIGHT of you so much but they refuse to just file for divorce?  It feels like they live to make you miserable.  They criticize, pick fights, stonewall or straight up scream about the latest mistake you made. 

But yet, they refuse to go to marriage counseling.  

But yet, YOU are the problem.  

But yet, YOU are not trying hard enough. 

One Word: Ego

I believe Ego is the driver for most divorces.  Ego stops us from seeking marriage counseling. Ego makes us think that WE don't need therapy.  Ego makes us put up appearances in public and social media as though everything is just perfect.  Ego tells us that WE'RE right and everyone else is definitely wrong.  Ego knows that filing for divorce will make us look bad so there's no WAY we're going to do that. Nope, we'd rather be blissfully (albeit angrily) ignorant about our state of affairs.  

Then What Should I do??

Are you dealing with someone who's ego prevents them from just being nice?  Are you nervous every time you hear the garage door open, knowing the energy of the home is about to shift negatively?  Do you walk on eggshells every time you're around your spouse to avoid upsetting them?  

If they are refusing to do marriage or personal therapy, they are never going to change.  Bold of me to say?  I'm okay with that.  They're not.  No matter WHY they are like this, if they refuse to do the inner work and put in the effort, nothing will ever change.  

First, even if they refuse therapy, I encourage you to find a qualified and licensed therapist. You are going to need the emotional support.  Church based therapy is okay but I always prefer a licensed therapist.  Church based therapy can be a great starting point but it can come with biases. It also may turn off your partner and COULD be why they refuse to go.  I haven't seen enough good come out of Church therapy to outweigh the problems I have witnessed.  If that's where you're comfortable, start there to fill your Spiritual needs but also look for a licensed therapist. There are many that will do religious based counseling but with more education and training to support their practices.  

Second, you will need to accept that they are never going to file for divorce. They would rather live miserably than have outsiders think poorly of them.  I know this is a hard pill to swallow. After all, YOU are the one who is willing to work on the marriage! YOU are the one who has been bending over backwards to make this marriage work! YOU are the one who is STILL WILLING TO FORGIVE.  If only they could drop their ego....

Third, be prepared to be mentally and emotionally assaulted by them. Suddenly you will be the one that has caused the marriage to fail.  Not them, of course, because they are willing to stick with you through thick and thin. Through the good and (mostly) bad.  You will be the one who is going to mess up the kids with this crazy divorce idea.  Remember #1 above when I said you would need the emotional support? This is a huge reason why.  

Beginning the Divorce Process

You're going to feel a lot like this little Norway Spruce I planted.  Trying to survive with some rough elements around you.  Barely hanging on.  But you'll see growth.  You'll find the people and professionals who will care for and tend to you.  You'll regain your strength and put down new roots.  Your only regret will be not having filed for divorce sooner (said by almost ALL of my clients!)

If you think you are ready to start the divorce process, let's have a 30 minute call to talk about your concerns, perceived roadblocks and next steps.  Take a look at my calendar and pick a date and time that works for you. If you can't find something, send a message to me and we'll make it happen!