This is not tv divorce

Happy St Patrick’s Day!  I always love this simple holiday. It feels like the very beginning of Spring with Easter just around the corner.  I don’t have to buy gifts or plan surprises.  We just get to wear green and eat corned beef. In our case, I didn’t even have to make it this year!  We went to our dear friends’ home last night. The husband made it and even brined it himself! That’s some next level cooking! It was delicious and relaxing.  We got really lucky with these friends; we all enjoy each other’s company. The wife (Leanne) and I are the best of friends, and her husband Andy and my husband Ben have so much in common and get along really well.  Their kids and ours are similar in age.  Our oldest boys met at Peoria Montessori preschool when they were 3 ½ and we’ve been inseparable ever since!  I know friendships like that are super rare and I don’t take it for granted.  ​

Our family just got back from a whirlwind trip to New York City. We had another friend who is an orchestra conductor and she was invited to perform there!  We are so proud of her and to think she lives in our tiny little midwestern town is just amazing!  We spent four nights there and stayed in a hotel near Central park which was super convenient to almost all of the sights and activities we wanted to fit in.  We ate some incredible food but luckily walked it off: 8 miles a day on average! We haven’t traveled much with our kids yet other than to Door County, Wisconsin, so it was fun to change it up and visit a place so wildly different from where we are used to.  

I’m eager to get back into the swing of things with my clients and normal routine.  Between traveling and before that, sick kids, I feel like I haven’t gotten a full week of work.  I have one more week before our kids are on Spring break so I have a lot to pack in this week!  

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I had a client message me this week that her divorce was finalized. It took less than three months and $3,000! I can’t tell you how much I love getting messages like that!  Considering parenting plans, divisions of assets and all the emotions, these are such great success stories. What’s even better, is she did it without cutting corners.  She had an attorney.  She went through the process thoughtfully and carefully.  But she was able to do it without diving into the drama that can seem to want to seep into the divorce process.  

Clients often ask me, usually at the very beginning when emotions are super high, about the trial that they believe will inevitably ensue.  I usually giggle because it’s such a common question and also such a rare occurrence for my clients.  I’ve only had one client end up in trial and they had hired their lawyer before they hired me.  

The questions are pretty funny now that I have been a Certified Divorce Coach for over four years.  “Is the divorce trial open to the public?”  “Do I need to have witnesses about how my husband treated me?”  “Can I print off text messages from my wife to show the judge how awful she was?”  

HOLD ON.  Let’s slow down a bit. This is where I love to talk about how Real Divorce is not TV Divorce. This is not Judge Judy.  It’s honestly pretty rare that a divorce ends up at trial. If your divorce ends up in trial, someone is being completely unreasonable and/or has an attorney who is terrible. This could be either party.  You might be totally level headed with a calm, intelligent, emotionally responsive attorney but your spouse could have hired the devil’s brother for their attorney.  

There are so many steps that happen BEFORE even considering a trial. Also, there are a lot of CMC’s (case management conferences) which a lot of people THINK are trials. These are not trials. These are chances for the judge to hear how the divorce process is going and to help move everyone along.  It also helps the divorce court judge to know if someone IS being unreasonable and call them or their attorney out for it. This is also often when a court ordered mediator or GAL (guardian ad litem) will be ordered. While I’d love for all of my clients to avoid even getting to those steps, and they often do, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Mediators and GALs can help bring reason and logic to the table when it feels like all is lost. Yes, I know there are some terrible mediators and GALs. I know they don’t always agree with us. I know there are some that really seem to take sides.  But I think the majority are good and are trying to help everyone move forward.  

It’s hard in the beginning for people to see this, but by working with me, I often can coach both my client and their spouses by simply working with my client.  But how??  No, I’m not a mediator. And no, I don’t talk to my client’s spouses. 

I help my clients rise up.  We talk through their relationship. What motivates them and their spouse?  What triggers each of them?  What ways do they work well together?  What are hot buttons to avoid?  Working through this we create a strategy to help them invite their spouse to work TOGETHER on the divorce.  What actions can be taken so both people ‘win’ when it’s all over?  What are everyone’s goals for the future?  And if you DO end up in mediation or with a GAL, I coach you on how to make the most of those opportunities and how to not screw it up!  

When we do this, AND my clients take effective action, we avoid the trial stage.  My clients get through their divorce well, inexpensively and have a positive co-parenting relationship with their ex. I love this.  Nothing makes me happier than knowing my clients go through one of the worst life experiences with grace and dignity, without spending a fortune.  

XO
​Katie