One of the more common reasons for wanting a divorce, yet the most filled with shame is, "We just don't act like we're married. It's like we're just roommates." There's no abuse. There's just NOTHING.
No passion. No conversation. No intimacy. No empathy. No excitement. No arguing.
The cycle usually happens like this:
A couple gets married and although things aren't perfect, they're not terrible. They take the next steps to have children. All of the little annoyances suddenly become BIG annoyances. But they get shoved under the rug. Ignored. Or if they are brought up, changes never happen. Sure, there might be promises and attempts for a brief period of time, but nothing sticks.
One partner asks the other to go to marriage counseling. There's either a flat-out refusal or a half-hearted attempt which is usually abandoned after that partner feels attacked or like everything is resolved. So, it feels easier to go back to the usual rhythms of 'nothing.'
The unhappy(iest) partner festers. He or she decides to stick it out until the kids have graduated. They learn how to put on a good facade in public but at home they barely speak.
When divorce finally is brought up, the other partner appears shocked. Despite not putting in any effort or attention, they put all blame for the divorce on the partner who suggests it. A fresh cycle of shame and guilt begins again.
I say all of this because often when someone calls me and shares a similar story they feel so much shame and embarrassment. They think they're the only ones to ever experience this story. They don't think they have a valid reason to divorce. After all, there hasn't been abuse or an affair. But it's FAR more common than most people realize.
If you've tried counseling and tried to work with your partner and nothing has changed, there's very little point in waiting. If divorce feel inevitable, the longer you stay together, the more your finances will become enmeshed. The less time you'll have to start fresh.
Send a message to me to schedule a free consultation to see if 1:1 coaching is right for you. Or check out my online course, available immediately HERE
About Katie VAndenBerg
Katie makes her life surrounded by river valleys and surprisingly beautiful cornfields. Her days are spent helping her divorce clients, working with her tenants, spending time on her pottery wheel and loving her family.