build your relationship around your life, not your life around your relationship

Hello again friends!  I have spent the past 5 days in beautiful Door County, Wisconsin.  As I type this, it’s my last morning here. I’m hanging out for a bit before I go to the Door County Rotary Club meeting this morning. They meet for breakfast, which is perfect timing for me to visit with them before I get on the road to head home. I’ve had a wonderful time here; my first time spending a few days here completely alone.  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while now but haven’t taken the time to make it happen. It always felt selfish, and I suppose it is, but it has been just what I needed to reset and reframe some perspectives that I didn’t realize were so needed!  Have you ever traveled alone and left your spouse and kids for a few days? Not to travel with friends or other family, but completely alone? How was it for you?

I came up because it’s "Art Drop Off" weekend at Edgewood Orchard Galleries in Fish Creek, Wisconsin.  It’s such a beautiful place!  The owners, JR and Nell are just delightful and always host a super fun dinner for the artists.  It  was the first chance since I’ve had my work there that I’ve been able to go and I’m so glad I did!

The rest of the time I spent my days mostly hiking, of course.  I managed to fit NINE separate hikes in four days, not counting two lovely strolls through downtown Fish Creek and on Cottage Row.  I also scheduled a massage and facial and met up with a friend for dinner.  It was a very filling trip but I’m very anxious to get home to see Ben and the kids!  

Although I don’t live here, I’ve gotten to know people and have a few friends here. I met one for dinner last night before she moves away soon. She is coming out of a tough relationship; not a marriage but still a painful breakup.  She has done a lot of self work and while she’s disappointed in the situation, she knows that it’s not working and is moving on.  She also has had the amazing realization that too many people NEVER become aware of: she is the only one who can make herself happy.

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We are the ONLY person who can fully have control over our own happiness. 

Not that other people can’t bring us joy and fulfillment. I love Ben.  Ben’s amazing.  He works hard to be kind and helpful and make my life easier.  What if I wasn’t naturally happy though? Would I be open to seeing all he does and have it be an addition to my life? Or would I nitpick his efforts?  Would I focus on the things he DOESN’T do?  

My friend commented that she has found the amazing gift of being fully herself and if that doesn’t work for someone, then OH WELL. I am so thrilled for her!  It wasn’t until I had that same perspective shift after dating for about a year post divorce that I found myself completely fulfilled and ended up meeting Ben.  

I firmly believe that only once we turn our thoughts inward and focus our sights on our goals and passions are we ready to be open to having someone else in our life.  

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My friend Francie with Founding Females is a business coach for women.  Her mantra is ‘build your business around your life, not your life around your business’ and I would say the same thing for relationships:

Build your relationship around your life, not your life around your relationship.  

What are you seeking? Excitement? Joy? Love? Fulfillment? Adventure? Passion?

Is it there? Do you keep looking to your spouse for it? And what happens when they can't offer what you seek? Are you explosive? Sad? Angry? Lonely?

You have it inside YOU.

Another quote I love that connect  to this is: 
"We carry within us the wonders we seek around us" ~Sir Thomas Browne

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My first husband and I met when we were 16 and 17. Never really dated anyone else and then got married during college. That was it.  We had no other relationship experience.  When we got divorced I really wanted to experience dating and I’m so glad I did. I wanted to learn about myself to see what I liked and didn’t like and I didn’t waste any time.  If someone displayed characteristics that reminded me of my first marriage, I was done.  Don’t worry, they’re all happily married themselves now and many of them I would still consider friendly acquaintances.  They just weren’t for me and I was ONLY willing to allow someone into my life that fit into my life.  

But Katie, that’s so selfish!  

Hear me out.

Because I am fulfilled, I am the best wife I can be.  I’m not envious or depressed about what ‘could have been.’  I am living my best life and get to share it with Ben.  Because I am fulfilled, I also want really good things for Ben too and I’m willing to help him achieve his goals.  We are both better off because we know we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness.  

Does sharing a life with him bring me happiness? Absolutely.  But it’s not the ONLY way I have in place to find happiness. I have fantastic connections through my weekly Rotary meetings.  I pour energy into our kids’ classrooms.  I find joy and peace in my pottery.  I am fulfilled when I work with my clients. 

xo
​Katie 

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