Hello again!  I am in peaceful Northern California for a few days with my friend Rei Hotoda.  She is the Conductor for the Fresno Philharmonic.  She had a break between shows and invited me to join her in Northern Napa for a quick but much needed getaway. We've hiked, ate LOTS of bread and cheese and of course, enjoyed some amazing wines.  

When I travel I always meet new people and in doing so, they find out that I'm a Certified Divorce Coach.  This first comes with the question, "what does a Divorce Coach do?" and is almost always followed by a horrible divorce story that a friend or loved one experienced.  I don't mind listening to these stories because I know they are digesting their perspective with someone who really gets it's finally. What I am bothered by is that there is ALWAYS a villain.

This question feels like the Great Misunderstanding of Divorce to me.  In order for those who have not divorced to rationalize a divorce, they MUST think there is a villain. There must be someone who cheated, had an affair, 'stepped out', had a fling....whatever you want to call it. There must be abuse, surely....right???  Why else would two people divorce if not?

Believe it or not, it is possible for two wonderful people to not be able to live together FOREVER managing kid schedules, tricky, stressful budgets, job duties, fun activities, career growth, feeding the family, hobbies, friend circles, laundry, mowing and ALL the things that come with life.  It's a lot just typing it all!

Sometimes two wonderful people just can't do ALL those things together effectively. Sometimes it brings out the worse in both of them.  Sometimes they need a different partner (or none at all)  to be able to thrive at life.  

We don't get training on what married life will REALLY be like for us with that partner. We have no idea what might trigger them from some unresolved childhood trauma or drive us nuts. We may not have had a good example of marriage set for us by our parents.  We may have mental health issues that arise for us or our partner.  There may be illnesses or deaths that cause grief so intense it alters our reality.  

Of course there are marriages that break down from affairs, emotional abuse or financial stress. In the absence of those, it's important to remember there are many invisible causes of divorce.  We don't have to villainize one person in the marriage in order to justify the divorce so we feel better about it.  The more we can care for and support both people in a divorce, and after, the better for everyone.  

When you’re thinking about separation or divorce, it is VERY overwhelming! There are the roller coaster of emotions that can range from excitement about the future to overwhelming grief and sadness for what is being lost to intense anger for the abuse and hurt.  There is also the logistics of divorce. Who will take the kids to baseball?  Who will pay for their health insurance? Can one of us stay in the home?  Will I have to get a better job?  

All of the overwhelm of divorce often causes people to just stay put in unhappy or abusive marriages. It just feels too hard to get a divorce!  Other times, it causes people to impulse hire an attorney without appropriate research and not understanding the process.  They get swept up in the tidal wave of the divorce process, eyes closed and holding their breath, hoping things settle down and work out.  It’s enough to raise my blood pressure just typing all of this!  

This is where a Divorce Coach comes in.  I get it. I know it feels impossible sometimes to pay someone ELSE on top of the attorney retainer!  Let’s dive in about why you should hire a divorce coach to help you through the divorce process.

Get ready because everyone from the bank teller to your Great Aunt Margaret to the high school acquaintance you bump into at Target will have an opinion on your divorce. People LOVE to tell other people how to get divorced. It usually goes like this, “OMG you HAVE to hire Todd Smith, he’s a BULLDOG!  My cousin hired him and although she didn’t really like him personally, she thought he really fought for her.”  

*Divorce RED FLAG*

You want to like your attorney.  Sure it might seem silly, but you’re going to pay this person a lot of money to make a difference in major parts of the rest of your life.  You want to be able to communicate with them and not think they’re jerks or have them mistreat you. 

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Think of it this way, what if something goes wrong with your divorce and you need to discuss it with your attorney?  Do you want them to have a respectful conversation with you or have them blow you off like you’re stupid for asking?  I’ve had so many people call me that did not hire me from the get-go, begging for help because they feel like their attorney is gaslighting them!  This is NOT what you want!

Also, those ‘bulldog’ attorneys are not my favorites.  Honestly.  They tend to be in it to line their pockets and boost their ego.  They aggravate divorces to drag them out so they can go to court and look like they’re really fighting for you. I’d rather have a calm, peacebuilding attorney that helps my clients have an amicable, but fair, divorce and move on with their lives. Sure it might not feel as dramatic but that’s a GOOD thing. 

As a Divorce Coach, I help my clients hire the right attorney from the beginning.  I coach my clients on what to look for, what questions to ask and how to make telling observations. After they meet with attorneys, we talk through their experience so they pick the best option for them based on their needs.

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Attorneys are smart, busy and expensive.  Many of them have been doing their jobs for so long, it’s like a second nature to them.  They know that they are expensive and don’t want to waste their time and your money explaining every detail. While your budget may appreciate that it often can feel like you have no clue what is happening in your divorce!  I just talked with someone yesterday who has contacted me WELL into their divorce (trial is set.)  She  doesn't think she can afford to hire me because she’s owes her attorney $9,000 and she also doesn’t want to email her attorney with questions because she knows it’s $200 for her attorney just to answer an email!  She has a lot of money on the line but in the meantime, has no money to know what is happening or understand the next steps or how to best prepare because she has already spent so much with her attorney. This is the absolute worst situation to be in. I wish she had contacted me THREE years ago (yes, three!) when her divorce started. I would bet good money she would have had her divorce finalized a long time ago and not have spent thousands of dollars.  She would be well into her newly established life. At this point she’s just hoping for the best.

As a divorce coach, I help my clients understand the paperwork and options from the beginning so they make the best choices within the scope of their divorce. I help them manage communication with their attorney to keep it effective not only with the information they gain but also with their budget.  If things start to drag on, I help my clients either get the process going with their attorney or get a second opinion. My clients get ahead of problems so their divorces are relatively easy and dare I say, BORING.   I’ve never had a client have to go to trial that I’ve worked with from the very beginning.  ​

I also help my clients find the right path to divorce.  It’s not always necessary for both people to have a lawyer.  When appropriate, we explore divorce mediation or just hiring a single attorney for both people. We talk through their current situation, the history of the relationship and the goals for their futures to determine what the best path forward is for them and their family.  We take finances, living situations and emotions into consideration.  There's a lot to think about and divorce is not a 'one size fits all' life event. 

Focusing on the logistics of the divorce process is the best way to save money.  I have clients call me, very emotional and wanting to go down divorce rabbit holes.  I help pull them out and focus on what’s really at stake for them so they can take the next best step forward.

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When facing a separation or divorce, it feels overwhelming to make one more decision tohire a divorce coach.  Pausing to explore this option will be time and money well invested in your divorce process and future. You’ll be better equipped to hire the right attorney for your divorce, understand and interpret the steps along the way and save lots of money. 

You can schedule a Free Consultation with me and we'll talk about your unique situation and what it would look like to work together. Even if you think you're 8 months from even wanting to file and just need information to start planning.  Or perhaps you're ready to file and want to make sure you're starting your divorce in the best way possible.  

~Katie

I have ZERO judgment if someone calls me and they are having an affair. Oftentimes the affair is the RESULT of a failed marriage, not the cause of one.  The marriage is already irretrievably broken for a variety of reasons.  Emotional Abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, drug and alcohol addictions, and mental health issues just to name a few all have already caused the marriage to fall apart. The victim is lost, confused, lonely and desiring love and connection. When they have faced all of these abuses and someone new walks into their life that is kind and gentle with them, it’s very easy for them to connect and fall head over heels.  

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If there are children involved in the divorce, it’s also important to have the emotional capacity to help them through the divorce. I’d rather see kids in a happy, divorced home than a toxic married home any day.  Usually children still love their other parent even if they are abusive.  They need help working through their big emotions.  I always recommend to parents that they find a therapist for their children at least through the divorce and possibly beyond if needed. It gives kids a trusted sounding board to work through their emotions.  Even with that, children need their parents to be emotionally available and mature for them. The kids will have big emotions and will often take these out on the parents.  If parents are daydreaming about their lover and excited to get the divorce over with as fast as possible so they can move in with them, they may be less inclined to see their children’s emotions as important or valid.  ​

I know what I know about Divorce Coaching but I leave the legal advice for the Family Law Attorneys. Partner at Butler, Meister and Giraudo in Morton, Illinois, Attorney Kelly Giraudo shared with me: "Illinois is a no-fault state, meaning that an affair will not be a relevant factor when considering the allocation of parental responsibilities or the division of assets and debts of the marriage."

At first glance, Hurray!  My clients quickly interpret that their affair won’t matter and carry on with the relationship, sometimes getting TOO casual.  Most likely it won’t in the sense of the final result. Where it WILL matter is in the length and amount of time it takes to get there.  As soon as the opposing council finds out about an affair you need to be prepared for a massive amount of questions and paperwork known as “Request to Produce and Interrogatories”.  The questions asked in these documents are required to be answered in a relatively short amount of time and they often are quite detailed.  I’ve had clients have to take days off work to fulfill their responses to these requests.  The requests range from additional financial disclosures to diary entries to strings of texts printed out.  This is not a fun place to find yourself in the middle of the divorce. Remember, the goal is to  divorce quickly, peacefully and inexpensively, while also being fair. Having this additional work added makes both attorneys' invoices jump considerably for the time needed to review and advise upon. Finding out about an affair is almost always an open door invitation for this expensive, time consuming next step.

According to Chicago attorney Raiford Dalton Palmer, Partner at STG Divorce Law, P.C., "It is important to know that affairs don't matter much to courts in many states - the "why" of a divorce is not important in Illinois, for example. Parties can't even mention cause for divorce in their pleadings (other than 'irreconcilable differences'). The only impact an extramarital affair has in terms of the nuts and bolts of divorce is financial in Illinois - that is, if the relationship involves waste of marital assets, the portion owned by the other spouse can be recovered. Note that in other states, however, an affair can be a very big deal to a court - leading to a denial of alimony, unequal division of assets, et cetera. As with anything like this, consult an experienced divorce lawyer in your area for legal advice."

So while it may not matter that much in impact on the settlement, it WILL matter in how long and expensive the process is to get there. 

An extramarital affair fulfills a need that many people in failing marriages desire but come with implications that aren’t necessarily legal based.  It’s easy to read what the attorneys say and think it’ll be okay to go ahead with a fling.  I encourage you to consider the collateral damage that comes with an affair before engaging in one, exposing it or becoming too casual about the relationship if you have not yet filed for divorce.  If the affair is already out in the open, it's important to continue to walk the path of divorce with dignity and respect for your partner that you are divorcing. They are having big emotions through the process and finding out about an affair tends to make people dig in their heels and fight more out of spite and hurt feelings.

​~Katie
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