Weekly Notes from a Divorce Coach Candid writings by Katie VandenBerg about Divorce
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Hello! I’m sitting down to write this just a couple of days after Christmas and a few days before New Year’s Eve. That weird time where we forget what day it is if we don’t look at a calendar. I also know it’s a very uncomfortable time if you’re considering divorce. So many emotions as you work through the holidays. Thoughts vary from “This could be the last time I spend Christmas with my spouse’s family” to “What will Christmas morning look like next year if I move forward with filing?” to “This is so stressful and I can’t get out of here fast enough!” You may be excited for the changes, sad about what’s to come, angry that you’ve been forced to make this decision but more likely all of those emotions! The holidays bring added stress even in the best of marriages, but add hurt feelings, being ignored, gaslighting and arguments it’s enough to make someone feel crazy. Isn’t it interesting that we often don’t want to leave our marriages so we don’t feel lonely but yet being in a dysfunctional, toxic marriage is one of the loneliest places to be? If you’re having those feelings, believe me, I COMPLETELY understand. I’ve had those feelings too. Especially with social media where we see everyone else’s ‘highlight reel’ of their ‘perfect’ lives. If you’re not sure what to do about your marriage, I always encourage people to look ahead. Ask their future self what they need. Sound too “woo-woo-ey”? Let me explain. You want to do a Future Self Meditation. I walk clients through it in my course in greater detail but I’ll explain the basics here. You want to picture your IDEAL self ahead a number of years. You pick. Depending on your age it could be 5 years if you’re older or 30 years if you’re younger. Where are you? What kind of home do you have? Does anyone share the space with you (Human or furry!) What type of clothes do you wear and how do you decorate your space? What are your hobbies and do you work? Now, that is a VERY brief version of this but what you want to do next is ask your future self, either writing this or meditation on this, what he or she needs you to do NOW to get there. Do they need you to find your strength to move forward with divorce? Do they need you to give marriage counseling a chance? Do they need you to get individual therapy or perhaps some medication? Do you need to have that tough conversation with your spouse with specific boundaries/expectations in order to consider staying married? I practice this from time to time when I meet a crossroads and it has been very effective in guiding me. Let me know if you try and how it works from you! If you get stuck, I work with my 1:1 clients with this and also like I mentioned before my course offers a much more detailed version. Wishing you all the best and sending lots of strength and love through the New Year. XO Katie 
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I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I spent it at home; we hosted about 14 people. It was the perfect number to have a full house with lots of conversations and kiddos running around but not too many that we were stressed. Everyone brought something and it made for a fairly laid back day for us.
A week later was my birthday! 44! I feel very deeply rooted in middle age and honestly, I love it. I’ve reached the feeling of no-nonsense confidence about what I do as a Divorce Coach, helping people work through the divorce process in the most dignified way possible. When I started out I felt a lot more nervous about it. I was worried about people judging me and thinking I was encouraging divorce which is SO far from reality! It feels so good to help someone get through something so challenging and on to the other side of it all. It's amazing when they get there and they are SO PROUD of themselves. Proud of how they handled the divorce. Proud that they handled it with grace but didn't give up. And very often, although maybe not right at first, surprised by how GOOD they feel to be divorced. Ben surprised me by inviting my closest friends and family for dinner at my favorite restaurant Blackband. I was SHOCKED! I thought it was just going to be the four of us for dinner and suddenly we were led to the mezzanine where parties gather and I quickly figured out what was going on. It meant so much to me that so many people took the time to come out, get a babysitter and have a really nice meal just for my birthday. Ben really is a dream. I’ll get more into the reality of that in a moment but he’s just such a neat guy. He’s creative, funny, cute, athletic and loves to write and play his guitar. He’s a wonderful dad, husband, brother and son. Elderly people, children and dogs love him, so you know he must be the real deal! Back to my comment about him being a dream. Maybe not exactly a dream but after my divorce my wonderful friend Chrissy who sat across from my cubicle at my bank job and I were talking. I was in the throes of the dating world and listed off what I wanted in a guy. She laughed and said, “okay, good luck with that…sounds like the perfect guy!” But I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. Not long after that, who showed up at my coffee shop? You guessed it. Ben. He was the handsome new teacher in town (yes, VERY Hallmark Movie - esque!) who rode a motorcycle but sat at the coffee shop and wrote poetry. He loved football but he also was thrilled to pack up charcuterie and have a picnic on Grand View Drive (where we had our first date, got engaged and got married!) Manifesting. Dreaming. Wishing. Call it what you want, but if you name it, you can get it. I am a big believer in this and I’ve experienced it over and over again for myself. An even more powerful tool in discovering what we REALLY want is to make a Vision Board. I’ve done this a few times in my adult years and almost everything I’ve ever had on mine has come true. A vision board is a powerful tool often used in personal development and goal setting. It's a visual representation of your goals, dreams, and aspirations created by collecting and arranging images, words, and symbols on a board. The goal is to create a tangible and vivid representation of what you want to achieve or manifest in your life. Now, of course as someone who has been divorced and helps others navigate their divorce process, I am keenly aware that life often feels hopeless. If you've experienced heartbreak, a vision board can be a valuable tool for healing and moving forward.
I am so excited to offer an in-person Vision Board Workshop at MUSE in January! It's not just for people who have divorced or are in the process of it; in fact, we won't even talk about divorce unless it's something that comes up organically through conversation. Anyone can come and this would make a great gift for someone! The Details: January 20, 2023 MUSE Morton 9a-2p Lunch, light snacks and drinks provided. Please bring a pair of scissors and magazines if you have them that can be cut up Everything else will be provided. Sign up here: https://forms.gle/Cv3EKmnZHtoZjw8A6 |