 Hello again! It’s been absolutely FREEZING here in Central Illinois the past week. Sub-zero (by a lot) wind chills. We have hardly left the house and if we do it’s only to run from one warm place to the next as fast as we can. Today reached a balmy 24 with abundant sunshine and it makes me so happy!
We’re at that time of the year where the divorce filings are also abundant. Everyone who wanted to get through the holidays is doing it now. But even those who have waited for the perfect timing, knowing their divorce was inevitable, still feel all the emotions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, envy on one end to excited, anxious, and relieved! One storyline that seems to cause the most frustration with my clients though is that of the spouse who has borne the brunt of emotional abuse. The spouse whose life has been made miserable. The spouse who has been told they are worthless. The spouse who has been made to feel like they can never do ANYTHING right. But yet, their partner never files for divorce. “Why are they making ME do it??” they ask me. “They can’t stand me so much, but yet, they won’t file.” “My spouse hasn’t touched me in almost a decade but yet they say they won’t file because they made a vow to me.” “I’ve asked them to go to marriage counseling so we can work on our issues but they refuse!” “Now that I’ve told them I want a divorce, they’re blaming ME for the downfall of the marriage!” Ay yi yi. This is all too common. Insanely common. I can *almost* finish the story when I hear someone start to explain to me what their marriage is like and why they are hiring me as their divorce coach. Now, I’m not a therapist, but this sounds like some major anger and control issues to me! Spouse A, the offender, wants things their way and their way only. Spouse B tries for YEARS to make it work. The behavior of Spouse A ebbs and flows *just* enough, and after all, they never actually HIT Spouse A, so it can’t be *that* bad, right?? And of course, there are usually children involved and Spouse B hopes they can tough it out until the kids are older. Suddenly though, Spouse A starts treating the kids like they’ve been treating their spouse. Spouse B realizes they’ve had enough. Spouse B realizes this doesn’t just affect them, it’s going to affect the children. Spouse B suggest marriage counseling. Spouse A flat out refuses, OR shows up to one counseling session in the best of spirits and twists the stories to make Spouse A look (and feel) a little crazy. Do I need to go on? There are so many examples and versions of this same story. If this is what you are experiencing, you are in good company (unfortunately). This is far too common. The good news is that you’ll eventually be divorced and it will be like a 180 pound dark veil has been lifted off you that’s been covering your entire body for as long as you can remember. Suddenly, you’ll wonder (and just a forewarning…maybe be a little mad at yourself) for not doing it sooner. This tactic is common among gas lighters, narcissists and those that love to manipulate the story to make themselves look good and stay in control. It’s not going to be smooth sailing to get out of that situation. They do everything they can to make you feel bad. They’ll do what they can to make you miserable. They don’t think you’ll actually do it. And suddenly, one day, you do. XO Katie
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