 Happy (almost) Easter! What a month I had! Here's a recap of my month. I did this in January and think it's fun. Let me know if you like it and I'll try to keep it up! One Win: This was an emotional, big change! Some of you may know that I started Eli’s Coffee Shop when I was 24. This had been a ‘retirement dream’ from the time I was 16. But, when I was 24, the PERFECT building for it came up for sale in Morton, Illinois and I jumped on the opportunity. At the time I was working a full time, VERY busy job as a loan officer during the mortgage boom of the early 2000’s. I was already working 50+ hours a week at that. For about 18 months I did both; my day job and also starting and running this new busy coffee shop. I was married to my first husband at the time and I firmly believe that opening Eli’s was the final straw that led to our divorce. It brought all of our struggles and issues to the surface to rear their ugly head. Needless to say, it was an incredibly stressful time but I’m still so, so thankful my 25 year old self went through those challenges. Eli’s ended up being really successful. It’s not often small businesses, let alone food based businesses, make it for more than a few years. It is HARD. Margins are low, you’re relying on lots of (usually) young employees that you need to mentor and it’s a lot of long hours. I had wonderful employees but many of them were still teenagers with big emotions and learning to do. One employee in particular, Rachel, was whip smart and although she was valedictorian of her high school class and in college, just kept coming back to work for us. By this time we had our son Finn and I was REALLY struggling to do it all. He was super active and I didn’t make enough to justify daycare, nor did I want to go that route with him. I was trying to be a stay at home mom while also running Eli’s. I was exhausted. Finally the conversation opened up between Rachel and I about her and her husband purchasing the business. This was the best case scenario. She knew the business really well after being there for so long and was motivated to take it to the next level. Over the next couple of years, they bought the business from us so I could step back. They’ve been running it now for about nine years and it’s so exciting to see it growing and thriving! This entire time though we still owned the building that the original location was in at 205 W Jefferson St in Morton. It’s just the sweetest house, built in 1860. Cozy and cute with tons of character. Last year though they approached us about purchasing the building to make some major renovations. The selling process took a super long time due to their busy schedule and banks being really backed up but finally, this March 15th, we finally closed on the sale. I was pretty emotional at the beginning when we first signed the sales contract to begin the process but over the past few months have grown very comfortable with it. It’s nice to finally have that full separation and just be able to enjoy Eli’s for what it is: a wonderful coffee shop in a small town. Eli’s changed the way Morton’s downtown looks and the entire vibe. When I decided to open it, we were definitely on the outskirts of downtown. Nobody really went down Jefferson street for any purpose. Now, it’s lined with other businesses and a new multi-use development. It’s vibrant and looks completely different. I have a lot of pride in what I did, taking that big leap and risk and working as hard as I did, but it’s nice to close that chapter and enjoy the fond memories.  A Quote I’m Pondering: “What would I do if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” When I opened Eli’s I found this quote on a small, tin sign and hung it in the restroom. I felt it was so fitting. I knew that the answer for me was “open a cute coffee shop.” As I have moved on from that I have found myself asking that question again and again. I’ve done this from time to time in my life and of course did it when I decided to come a Certified Divorce Coach. It’s such a great way to align our motives. For example, if I asked myself today, “would I run a marathon if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” and I have to say, the answer is a resounding “No.” That does not interest me. “Would I climb Mount Everest if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” Again, nope. “Would I homeschool my kids if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” No. I think it’s a great question to ask ourselves to check if we are having a fleeting, random idea or if it’s a deeply rooted goal of ours. It also gets us thinking about what success, or NOT failing at a goal looks like to us. I made LOADS of mistakes with Eli’s. Hundreds. Too many to count. In the beginning I didn’t understand how it worked to use suppliers for items and I spent hours at the grocery store and running back and forth. Many times I underestimated how much some of my employees needed me to be their role model and as a substitute parent, although frankly I did not have the extra energy usually and not sure I would have been able to even if I had realized it then. But what if every time I made a mistake I gave up? What if I quit? Failure of Eli’s didn’t look like small mistakes to me because I had a strong vision in mind of what success looked like to me and I didn’t let the hiccups get in the way. I ask this same question during my free consults. “What results do you want the most?” “What does success look like to you? It’s easy to give up during the process. It’s easy to get frustrated with the small hurdles and hiccups and wonder if it was just easier to not have ripped off the proverbial band-aid in the first place. Do you have any goals or dreams nudging you? Ask yourself this question. Send a message to me. I'd love to hear about it!  What I’m doing when I'm not hiking: My sister recently organized a small book club of professional women and I love the structure. I’ve been part of book clubs before but they always meet at night and usually involve a lot of wine. We’re meeting over lunch and everyone has to get back to work so the drinking will be zero or kept to a minimum I’m sure. Our first book is Happiness Falls and we actually will meet today to talk about it. I’d probably rate it a 7 on a 10 point scale. Not sure I’d recommend it out but it is captivating and I actually learned a lot about people who are non-verbal. I tried really hard to read the Sand County Almanac. I wanted to love this book. I’m a big naturalist and this book is referred to so many times by other authors and nature lovers. But I just couldn’t get into the rhythm of it. I finally stopped at about 85% and returned it. Our next book is Cloistered which I heard about on NPR. It’s the true story of a lady who joined a convent after her father died but then left after a decade or so. I’m anxious to hear about her experience with two contrasting lives! What are you reading right now? I’m always looking for good books to add to my rotation! Leave a comment and I'll check it out! Personal Note: Speaking of convents, my husband and I have started a new passion project (how’s that for a transition??) We don’t currently attend a place of worship but for a few years now I’ve been curious what it would look like to attend a different place each week and blog about it. I mentioned this to Ben around the New Year when we did our modified, joint vision board. My problem was that I hated to leave my family every Sunday morning to do this. He encouraged me to try it for a month and see how it goes, which felt attainable. A few days later though he told me he’d like to join me and wondered how I’d feel about doing it as a podcast. I had not even considered that idea because of the technology side of things but loved it! So, we now have ‘Branches of Faith’ where we visit a different place of worship each week (usually) and talk about it. We have interviewed a few church leaders and hope to do more. We’ve hit a few snags with illnesses, travel and one lost episode but love the direction we are going with this. If you check it out, let me know! And if you have a place of worship you think we should definitely visit, please send leave a comment and I’ll add it to our list!  Client Review: “I am so, so thankful for a friend’s referral to Katie! I felt I had a pretty good grasp on the divorce process but did not trust my ex enough to not throw some curveballs. I hired Katie to be another set of eyes and ears, to reassure me that I was not overlooking anything. She ended up exceeding this expectation! She gently nudged and kept me on task. She suggested other options to consider when I was uncertain. She provided recommendations for great, local resources. She listened through my tears, my frustrations, and my worries! She was so easy to work with and to talk to! She has been a true blessing and calm through the end of my (marriage) storm!” I’ve been really busy this year with new clients and I finally got my course moved over to be hosted completely on my website! I’m pretty proud of all of this because of the tech side of things and I think it’s pretty slick. My course is such a reasonable way for men and women to understand the divorce process if they need information BEFORE they make a decision to divorce or if they need a much more budget friendly way to work with me. I know a lot of times people are nervous to start the divorce process because they don’t know what’s ahead or what to expect. But it also feels scary and expensive to meet with a lawyer to ask questions. It just makes it so much more ‘official.’ Or they don’t know what to ask of the lawyer. Or they don’t have the money to even pay for a consultation. My course is only $99 and goes over EVERYTHING. That way anyone who is thinking about divorce can have a clear picture of what the divorce path looks like in a confidential, budget friendly way. Even though I’m located in Central Illinois, I still have clients all over the country. It’s so fun to see where people live that find me, and once they do, I end up with a pod of referrals (Bismarck, North Dakota, I’m looking at you!) It’s such a cool experience to then be connected to lawyers, therapists and mediators in an area that I’ve never even visited, although I'm hoping to plan a stop on a summer road trip this year! Well, that’s it for March! Thanks for reading and leave a comment to let me know what you've been up to! I always love hearing from people who read my blog! XO Katie 
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 "I notice we are envious of people who are already doing what we are made to do. If we use our envy as a sort of arrow pointing us toward our destiny, that is a beautiful thing" ~Glennon Doyle
I remember the profound envy I felt during my first marriage. We were the first of our friend group to get married but many of them were in long term relationships. There was just something different about them in the way they spoke to each other. Something different in the admiration they seemed to have for each other. There was a sense of awe for the other person, it seemed. I remember feeling so much envy for other couples who looked natural, comfortable and confident. In Love, for real. I always just felt like I was a disappointment or embarrassment to my ex husband. Like I was just in the way of his success. At first I didn’t really understand the feeling and what it was telling me. It was confusing as I was young and my husband at the time was smart, hard working, came from a good family and was a decent person in the eyes of society. So what was wrong with ME, I wondered, that I felt this? But as the failure of my marriage progressed, I realized that the envy was telling me something. It was leading me to see that what my marriage was, was not what was best for me OR for him. The envy was like a guiding light, a beacon of inspiration. I knew that if I couldn’t have THAT kind of marriage that I saw with our friends, then I didn’t want to be married. There’s a difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is the feeling of desiring something that someone else has or is. Jealousy is a protective feeling. If I were a jealous wife, I’d be feeling worried that someone else was interested in my husband, or that he was interested in another woman. If I were a jealous friend, I’d be nervous that my best friend would betray me and not invite me to an outing with other friends. Can envy be bad? Of course. If I was envious of every new car on the market and it pushed me to go into debt to always have the latest model, then it’s a toxic envy. If I was envious of my daughter’s classmates for being good at soccer so I pushed her hard into it despite her hating the sport, that would be a toxic envy. A good, motivating envy will push us to improve ourselves or our lifestyles. I’m currently envious of my husband who has somehow been able to avoid sugars since the new year. Me? Not so much. He told me the other day he’s lost 10 pounds just by doing that. Meanwhile I enjoyed a few scoops of cookie dough today while I hid from my kids and now I’m feeling chubby. I’m envious of my friend Francie who has worked so hard to understand SEO and website design and is just SO darn good at it! I’m trying but it’s hard. Motivating envy improves us and helps us rise up to the best version of ourselves, both for us and for others. Another example is my friend Leanne. She is an amazing Curriculum Director at a large public school district in our area. She works SO hard for her schools and the teachers she helps. But when she gets home, she shuts it all off and is 100% Mom to her three energetic and busy boys. I am motivated by that. I am not good at shutting everything off at home and being 100% focused on my kids but I use her example, and my envy of her abilities, to motivate me. In relationships, we can easily toe the line of dangerous envy. When our motivations are delusional, or we have expectations of perfection of OTHERS it becomes dangerous. An example of this is the idea of Prince Charming. Modern society has developed a story that young women will meet their Prince Charming. And maybe they do…when they’re 25. But what happens when Prince Charming starts balding prematurely or puts on 20 pounds because he’s working so hard to support his family he has no time to exercise anymore? Suddenly, he’s not so much Prince Charming, but he’s more like the Frog that begs for a kiss. When we start to edge into this territory we need to ask ourselves some serious questions about our priorities and values. This is the perfect time to seek out a good therapist to help work through these feelings. That being said, if Prince Charming turned Frog has also become angry, narcissistic and gaslights you, then the superficial changes are minor details and you DO have a valid case for exploring the motivating envy of your friend who has a spouse who adores and supports her. The envy I felt during my first marriage was like a veil being lifted at what a marriage should be and what it shouldn’t. Going into marriage, all we really have is our parents as examples. While my parents never fought, their marriage was one more of practicality and cohabitating. This seemed to be where I found myself in my marriage. There were also healthy amounts of jealousy, frustration and ego involved in my first marriage. This is what I didn’t see in other marriages and made me realize that I could not allow this to be the story for my life. And so, the envy pushed me through. I used that envy as my guide. Interestingly enough, I have not for one moment ever felt that envy since I met Ben. My viewpoint has changed. If I can’t have THIS marriage, then I don’t want to be married. I encourage you to not stifle your envy as something bad. If you are part of a conservative religious community, you may be told otherwise. You may be told that you need to die to your dreams, your desires, your wants, your goals and your plans. I do not subscribe to that belief structure. You may be told that envy is the work of Satan. In my opinion, this is akin to religious abuse. In the face of financial, emotional or physical abuse, this is a means of control and gaslighting you into believing your life doesn’t matter. If you need help finding a good therapist to work through any of these issues, please reach out to me. If you're local to me, I have a virtual rolodex of amazing therapists. If you're not, we can talk about what it looks like to hire one. Or, if you know that you are ready to begin thinking about filing for divorce, let’s talk. XO Katie Happy St Patrick’s Day! I always love this simple holiday. It feels like the very beginning of Spring with Easter just around the corner. I don’t have to buy gifts or plan surprises. We just get to wear green and eat corned beef. In our case, I didn’t even have to make it this year! We went to our dear friends’ home last night. The husband made it and even brined it himself! That’s some next level cooking! It was delicious and relaxing. We got really lucky with these friends; we all enjoy each other’s company. The wife (Leanne) and I are the best of friends, and her husband Andy and my husband Ben have so much in common and get along really well. Their kids and ours are similar in age. Our oldest boys met at Peoria Montessori preschool when they were 3 ½ and we’ve been inseparable ever since! I know friendships like that are super rare and I don’t take it for granted.  Our family just got back from a whirlwind trip to New York City. We had another friend who is an orchestra conductor and she was invited to perform there! We are so proud of her and to think she lives in our tiny little midwestern town is just amazing! We spent four nights there and stayed in a hotel near Central park which was super convenient to almost all of the sights and activities we wanted to fit in. We ate some incredible food but luckily walked it off: 8 miles a day on average! We haven’t traveled much with our kids yet other than to Door County, Wisconsin, so it was fun to change it up and visit a place so wildly different from where we are used to. I’m eager to get back into the swing of things with my clients and normal routine. Between traveling and before that, sick kids, I feel like I haven’t gotten a full week of work. I have one more week before our kids are on Spring break so I have a lot to pack in this week!  I had a client message me this week that her divorce was finalized. It took less than three months and $3,000! I can’t tell you how much I love getting messages like that! Considering parenting plans, divisions of assets and all the emotions, these are such great success stories. What’s even better, is she did it without cutting corners. She had an attorney. She went through the process thoughtfully and carefully. But she was able to do it without diving into the drama that can seem to want to seep into the divorce process.
Clients often ask me, usually at the very beginning when emotions are super high, about the trial that they believe will inevitably ensue. I usually giggle because it’s such a common question and also such a rare occurrence for my clients. I’ve only had one client end up in trial and they had hired their lawyer before they hired me. The questions are pretty funny now that I have been a Certified Divorce Coach for over four years. “Is the divorce trial open to the public?” “Do I need to have witnesses about how my husband treated me?” “Can I print off text messages from my wife to show the judge how awful she was?” HOLD ON. Let’s slow down a bit. This is where I love to talk about how Real Divorce is not TV Divorce. This is not Judge Judy. It’s honestly pretty rare that a divorce ends up at trial. If your divorce ends up in trial, someone is being completely unreasonable and/or has an attorney who is terrible. This could be either party. You might be totally level headed with a calm, intelligent, emotionally responsive attorney but your spouse could have hired the devil’s brother for their attorney. There are so many steps that happen BEFORE even considering a trial. Also, there are a lot of CMC’s (case management conferences) which a lot of people THINK are trials. These are not trials. These are chances for the judge to hear how the divorce process is going and to help move everyone along. It also helps the divorce court judge to know if someone IS being unreasonable and call them or their attorney out for it. This is also often when a court ordered mediator or GAL (guardian ad litem) will be ordered. While I’d love for all of my clients to avoid even getting to those steps, and they often do, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Mediators and GALs can help bring reason and logic to the table when it feels like all is lost. Yes, I know there are some terrible mediators and GALs. I know they don’t always agree with us. I know there are some that really seem to take sides. But I think the majority are good and are trying to help everyone move forward. It’s hard in the beginning for people to see this, but by working with me, I often can coach both my client and their spouses by simply working with my client. But how?? No, I’m not a mediator. And no, I don’t talk to my client’s spouses. I help my clients rise up. We talk through their relationship. What motivates them and their spouse? What triggers each of them? What ways do they work well together? What are hot buttons to avoid? Working through this we create a strategy to help them invite their spouse to work TOGETHER on the divorce. What actions can be taken so both people ‘win’ when it’s all over? What are everyone’s goals for the future? And if you DO end up in mediation or with a GAL, I coach you on how to make the most of those opportunities and how to not screw it up! When we do this, AND my clients take effective action, we avoid the trial stage. My clients get through their divorce well, inexpensively and have a positive co-parenting relationship with their ex. I love this. Nothing makes me happier than knowing my clients go through one of the worst life experiences with grace and dignity, without spending a fortune. XO Katie  Well, Hello again! I think our family is FINALLY done passing sickness around. Have you had to deal with that too? I feel like someone has been sick since the New Year and I’m glad we’re on the other side of it (hopefully!) We have some exciting things planned for the next couple of weeks that I’ll share about more once they’re complete. For now I’m working hard to get ahead on some projects. I'm also excited to see signs of Spring in my garden again. Gardening is one of my favorite self-indulgences and best therapy in my opinion!
You may remember last fall I launched my divorce course “Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity.” It was a massive undertaking! I’m so glad to have it out there in the universe for anyone who wants a quick, straightforward and inexpensive guide to the divorce process. It’s perfect for someone who needs to divorce on a budget especially! I cover all of the topics that you could possibly need with the exception of how to talk to your spouse about divorce. I hope to record a video on that topic soon that not only will be added to the course, but available for anyone who needs it. I’m thinking about hosting it on YouTube with a link from my website. All of this tech side of running a business is not normally in my wheelhouse but I think I’m getting better at it! Up until now I’ve hosted my course on Thinkific but I’m making the transition to host it privately. If you have already purchased it on Thinkific, or still want to, you'll still have full access to it wherever it gets transitioned to. It will either be passcoded on my website or it will be a Google Folder download. I’d love any suggestions you might have on that for me! I’ve also been considering creating a men’s divorce support group or workshop just to help men through the divorce process. The majority of my clients are women and personally I think it’s because men sometimes have trouble asking for help. The men that do work with me are amazing! La creme de la creme of gentlemen! They are men who are empathetic, want the best for their wives and kids, work hard and have a goal to keep improving themselves. I know there are more guys like that out there and I hope to reach them. I think so often men feel alone during divorce. Divorce brings about a lot of shame for men and embarrassment. They put their head down and pretend it’s not happening. They leave it all for their attorney to manage when they really can take a much more proactive approach to divorce. I love working with men who want to divorce well so they can be empowered to do so! I think getting a focused support group together just for those men would be amazing and powerful. And speaking of that, I’d love to talk a bit about how to not take sides during a divorce. We’ve all been there. We have a couple where each person is friends with both us and our partner. They suddenly announce they are divorcing and we feel caught in between. More often than not, we tend to back away and try to not get involved. In doing so, we alienate them when they need us the most. It feels impossible, doesn’t it? How can we support our friends who are divorcing while also not taking sides? It's so easy to fall into #teamwife and #teamhusband squads as our friends divorce, but I assure you, you do not know the whole story. You're getting a washed down version based on the perception of the spouse to whom you are closest. Meanwhile, your spouse might very well be getting a completely DIFFERENT version from the other partner! Don’t be surprised if this causes arguments between the two of you even! I can speak to this from two angles: someone who has been divorced (and witnessed the friend migration) and someone who has had friends and acquaintances divorce. From my first perspective, it's so painful to come off of losing your spouse, your in-laws, your dreamed-of future, your home and now....your friends have left too??? I distinctly remember the feeling that many friends and even some of my extended family took the ‘side’ of my ex-husband. All they knew was that I had filed for divorce from him and that was enough to give the benefit of the doubt that he was the victim. Not only was I navigating a painful, traumatic divorce, I was having to find a new set of friends that I could trust and enjoy spending time with. I felt like I had to prove my worthiness to people that knew me. That I had to explain myself. That I was constantly being judged. All while grieving what I had lost. I was exhausted and emotionally drained. From my second perspective, if we have friends that are going through a divorce, I still actively have to remind myself their divorce is not my story and I don't know what their lives were really like. Sure, I knew them both and we enjoyed their company. Of those that have had children, they both seemed like good parents. They were always polite to each other. So how could they possibly be getting a divorce??? WHO is at fault???? As humans we often need to find fault to justify an action that bothers us. Surely someone must have messed up. We feel uncomfortable at other people’s hardships and struggles and it helps us manage our discomfort to place blame on someone or something, whether it’s valid or not. It helps us sleep at night and be okay. But. We need to stop doing that. Please be nice. In your mind you can disagree with how you THINK (yes, emphasis on ‘think’) they behaved in the marriage (remember, you weren't there!) but you can still be kind. Please still make room for them at the table. Literally, invite them to sit with you. Please still talk to them at school pickup. Please still invite them over when it's their weekend to have the kids. Especially invite them over when it’s their weekend WITHOUT the kids. Please still offer them encouragement and acceptance. From their perspective, they are going through something equally hard as the spouse you are closer to. The more well loved, supported and cared for each person going through a divorce feels, the better for the entire family. When someone going through a divorce feels supported by their friends and family they often are more willing to amicably divorce and move on with their lives. They’re not as fearful of the future. They don’t dig their heels in as much to make life difficult for their ex-spouse because they have a more positive outlook on their future. You aren’t being unfaithful to your friend by being kind to their STBX. You’re helping support them so they can be the best version of themselves for your friend and any children they have. XO Katie |
