"I guess I'm going to have to file, because she never will even though she threatens all the time" another client sighed to me the other day.  "Our life is miserable. We only talk to figure out who's picking the kids up from baseball or who's driving to swimming.  And the fighting!  This just is really bad but she refuses to go to therapy with me. I don't know what else to do." 

How is it possible that your spouse can seem to despise just the SIGHT of you so much but they refuse to just file for divorce?  It feels like they live to make you miserable.  They criticize, pick fights, stonewall or straight up scream about the latest mistake you made. 

But yet, they refuse to go to marriage counseling.  

But yet, YOU are the problem.  

But yet, YOU are not trying hard enough. 

I believe Ego is the driver for most divorces.  Ego stops us from seeking marriage counseling. Ego makes us think that WE don't need therapy.  Ego makes us put up appearances in public and social media as though everything is just perfect.  Ego tells us that WE'RE right and everyone else is definitely wrong.  Ego knows that filing for divorce will make us look bad so there's no WAY we're going to do that. Nope, we'd rather be blissfully (albeit angrily) ignorant about our state of affairs.  

Are you dealing with someone who's ego prevents them from just being nice?  Are you nervous every time you hear the garage door open, knowing the energy of the home is about to shift negatively?  Do you walk on eggshells every time you're around your spouse to avoid upsetting them?  

If they are refusing to do marriage or personal therapy, they are never going to change.  Bold of me to say?  I'm okay with that.  They're not.  No matter WHY they are like this, if they refuse to do the inner work and put in the effort, nothing will ever change.  

First, even if they refuse therapy, I encourage you to find a qualified and licensed therapist. You are going to need the emotional support.  Church based therapy is okay but I always prefer a licensed therapist.  Church based therapy can be a great starting point but it can come with biases. It also may turn off your partner and COULD be why they refuse to go.  I haven't seen enough good come out of Church therapy to outweigh the problems I have witnessed.  If that's where you're comfortable, start there to fill your Spiritual needs but also look for a licensed therapist. There are many that will do religious based counseling but with more education and training to support their practices.  

Second, you will need to accept that they are never going to file for divorce. They would rather live miserably than have outsiders think poorly of them.  I know this is a hard pill to swallow. After all, YOU are the one who is willing to work on the marriage! YOU are the one who has been bending over backwards to make this marriage work! YOU are the one who is STILL WILLING TO FORGIVE.  If only they could drop their ego....

Third, be prepared to be mentally and emotionally assaulted by them. Suddenly you will be the one that has caused the marriage to fail.  Not them, of course, because they are willing to stick with you through thick and thin. Through the good and (mostly) bad.  You will be the one who is going to mess up the kids with this crazy divorce idea.  Remember #1 above when I said you would need the emotional support? This is a huge reason why.  

You're going to feel a lot like this little Norway Spruce I planted.  Trying to survive with some rough elements around you.  Barely hanging on.  But you'll see growth.  You'll find the people and professionals who will care for and tend to you.  You'll regain your strength and put down new roots.  Your only regret will be not having filed for divorce sooner (said by almost ALL of my clients!)

If you think you are ready to start the divorce process, let's have a 30 minute call to talk about your concerns, perceived roadblocks and next steps.  Take a look at my calendar and pick a date and time that works for you. If you can't find something, send a message to me and we'll make it happen!

I recently got back from an amazing trip with my dear friend Rei. We went to Northern Napa area of California. We hiked, enjoyed plenty of wine and ate enough cheese and bread to feed a small country.  I had a terribly hectic time trying to get home amidst wild storms in Texas which cancelled loads of connecting flights.  Somehow I managed to get a 3.5 hour Uber from Fresno to San Francisco which I think was only possible because of lots of wishes and prayers.  Although rationally I knew I was safe and my family back in Central Illinois were safe, I experienced some crazy separation anxiety. I needed to GET. HOME. NOW.  

Now that I'm home and summer can officially start it feels good to fall into our slower rhythms of life.  The kids sleep in a bit more, I have a little bit longer to linger over my coffee in the morning and I enjoy almost daily garden walks.  

I successfully helped another client have a VERY fast divorce.  If everyone is amicable and in agreement and mature, we can get through the entire process in only six weeks and less than $3000 in legal fees.  I am very proud of how I help my clients understand the divorce process so they don't get swept up into paying un-necessary legal fees or having their emotions triggered by so called 'bulldog' attorneys.  If you want a quick divorce, please get in touch with me. I'll help you avoid all of the common pitfalls of the divorce process so you and your spouse can move on with your lives with finances intact and being able to coparent if needed.  

Planting trees. Watering trees.  Checking on trees. Recently I planted over 200 White Pine, Norway Spruce and Bald Cypress on our land.  I manually dug for each bare root tree and have been hand watering once a week unless we get enough rain, which really hasn't been enough.  I'm seeing growth though and it's so exciting!  It's a lot of work but I love checking on them and seeing them put out new buds!  

To say I enjoy a range of types of books would an understatement at best and what I'm currently reading is the perfect example!  I just finished Finding the Mother Tree by Dr Suzanne Simard which is a science-y but beautifully written book about trees and how we can best support them while also managing forests and humans' need for wood for products.  Did I cry a bit on the plane as she wove it all together with motherhood?  Maybe!  

Then, on the MUCH lighter side is The Marriage Sabbatical by Lian Dolan.  Yes, exactly what it sounds like. I'm only about 2/3 of the way through but it's a cute, light read about a couple who decides to take a sabbatical from their marriage for a year.  Honestly, as a divorce coach, I wish more people would do this before jumping to divorce! 

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." Dr Martin Luther King

There is SO much to unpack with this one but for now, I'll connect it to marriage and divorce. How often do people give up in marriage?  Not in the sense that they give up and just get divorced because honestly, that's usually a flippant thing people say that have never experienced divorce. 

No, I'm talking about giving up trying but also becoming complacent with a terrible marriage.  Cohabitating. Living as roommates. Only talking to discuss who's driving the kids somewhere.  Sleeping in separate rooms.  

Are you still LIVING like this????  This is not living, my friends.  This is not only a terrible example of a marriage for kids but this is YOUR ONE LIFE.  This is it.  Is this how you want to spend it? Or maybe a better question is this a marriage you would want for your children??  No??  

I had someone tell me recently that they just don't see an easy path to divorce.  They're right. But they're also wildly miserable in their marriage. Yes, the path will be uncomfortable and have challenges but, especially in this person's situation, they are not insurmountable.  From personal experience, going from a sad, lonely marriage through divorce to the other side was SO worth all of the challenges along the way.  This is why I decided to become a divorce coach: to help my clients understand the divorce process. Need more proof? Here's a pictures from our 16th anniversary we celebrated two weeks ago. I would have never had this if I made myself silent about my first marriage.  

"What a lifeline!! Katie helped me through the intense rollercoaster of one of the most complicated divorce processes ever. She has an incredible gift of staying relational and calm AND is able to be focused and factual. This is a rare find in a human! Her ability to help me stay focused on next steps despite the chaotic events of the divorce kept me grounded. She helped me fill out complicated court paperwork one step at a time. She helped me talk through and formulate my questions before I called my lawyer so I could be articulate and precise. Before I secured Katie’s services, I remember wondering if I could afford a divorce coach. The truth is, I couldn’t afford to go through my divorce alone without Katie. Highly recommended." 

That's it for today! I hope your summer is off to a great start!  If you think this might be the time to consider starting the divorce process, check out my calendar and pick a time that works for you! Don't see anything that works? Send a message to me and we'll figure it out!

XO
​Katie