"I notice we are envious of people who are already doing what we are made to do. If we use our envy as a sort of arrow pointing us toward our destiny, that is a beautiful thing" ~Glennon Doyle I remember the profound envy I felt during my first marriage. We were the first of our friend group to get married but many of them were in long term relationships. There was just something different about them in the way they spoke to each other. Something different in the admiration they seemed to have for each other. There was a sense of awe for the other person, it seemed. I remember feeling so much envy for other couples who looked natural, comfortable and confident. In Love, for real. I always just felt like I was a disappointment or embarrassment to my ex husband. Like I was just in the way of his success. At first I didn’t really understand the feeling and what it was telling me. It was confusing as I was young and my husband at the time was smart, hard working, came from a good family and was a decent person in the eyes of society. So what was wrong with ME, I wondered, that I felt this? But as the failure of my marriage progressed, I realized that the envy was telling me something. It was leading me to see that what my marriage was, was not what was best for me OR for him. The envy was like a guiding light, a beacon of inspiration. I knew that if I couldn’t have THAT kind of marriage that I saw with our friends, then I didn’t want to be married. There’s a difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is the feeling of desiring something that someone else has or is. Jealousy is a protective feeling. If I were a jealous wife, I’d be feeling worried that someone else was interested in my husband, or that he was interested in another woman. If I were a jealous friend, I’d be nervous that my best friend would betray me and not invite me to an outing with other friends. Can envy be bad? Of course. If I was envious of every new car on the market and it pushed me to go into debt to always have the latest model, then it’s a toxic envy. If I was envious of my daughter’s classmates for being good at soccer so I pushed her hard into it despite her hating the sport, that would be a toxic envy. A good, motivating envy will push us to improve ourselves or our lifestyles. I’m currently envious of my husband who has somehow been able to avoid sugars since the new year. Me? Not so much. He told me the other day he’s lost 10 pounds just by doing that. Meanwhile I enjoyed a few scoops of cookie dough today while I hid from my kids and now I’m feeling chubby. I’m envious of my friend Francie who has worked so hard to understand SEO and website design and is just SO darn good at it! I’m trying but it’s hard. Motivating envy improves us and helps us rise up to the best version of ourselves, both for us and for others. Another example is my friend Leanne. She is an amazing Curriculum Director at a large public school district in our area. She works SO hard for her schools and the teachers she helps. But when she gets home, she shuts it all off and is 100% Mom to her three energetic and busy boys. I am motivated by that. I am not good at shutting everything off at home and being 100% focused on my kids but I use her example, and my envy of her abilities, to motivate me. In relationships, we can easily toe the line of dangerous envy. When our motivations are delusional, or we have expectations of perfection of OTHERS it becomes dangerous. An example of this is the idea of Prince Charming. Modern society has developed a story that young women will meet their Prince Charming. And maybe they do…when they’re 25. But what happens when Prince Charming starts balding prematurely or puts on 20 pounds because he’s working so hard to support his family he has no time to exercise anymore? Suddenly, he’s not so much Prince Charming, but he’s more like the Frog that begs for a kiss. When we start to edge into this territory we need to ask ourselves some serious questions about our priorities and values. This is the perfect time to seek out a good therapist to help work through these feelings. That being said, if Prince Charming turned Frog has also become angry, narcissistic and gaslights you, then the superficial changes are minor details and you DO have a valid case for exploring the motivating envy of your friend who has a spouse who adores and supports her. The envy I felt during my first marriage was like a veil being lifted at what a marriage should be and what it shouldn’t. Going into marriage, all we really have is our parents as examples. While my parents never fought, their marriage was one more of practicality and cohabitating. This seemed to be where I found myself in my marriage. There were also healthy amounts of jealousy, frustration and ego involved in my first marriage. This is what I didn’t see in other marriages and made me realize that I could not allow this to be the story for my life. And so, the envy pushed me through. I used that envy as my guide. Interestingly enough, I have not for one moment ever felt that envy since I met Ben. My viewpoint has changed. If I can’t have THIS marriage, then I don’t want to be married. I encourage you to not stifle your envy as something bad. If you are part of a conservative religious community, you may be told otherwise. You may be told that you need to die to your dreams, your desires, your wants, your goals and your plans. I do not subscribe to that belief structure. You may be told that envy is the work of Satan. In my opinion, this is akin to religious abuse. In the face of financial, emotional or physical abuse, this is a means of control and gaslighting you into believing your life doesn’t matter. If you need help finding a good therapist to work through any of these issues, please reach out to me. If you're local to me, I have a virtual rolodex of amazing therapists. If you're not, we can talk about what it looks like to hire one. Or, if you know that you are ready to begin thinking about filing for divorce, let’s talk. XO Katie
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Happy St Patrick’s Day! I always love this simple holiday. It feels like the very beginning of Spring with Easter just around the corner. I don’t have to buy gifts or plan surprises. We just get to wear green and eat corned beef. In our case, I didn’t even have to make it this year! We went to our dear friends’ home last night. The husband made it and even brined it himself! That’s some next level cooking! It was delicious and relaxing. We got really lucky with these friends; we all enjoy each other’s company. The wife (Leanne) and I are the best of friends, and her husband Andy and my husband Ben have so much in common and get along really well. Their kids and ours are similar in age. Our oldest boys met at Peoria Montessori preschool when they were 3 ½ and we’ve been inseparable ever since! I know friendships like that are super rare and I don’t take it for granted. Our family just got back from a whirlwind trip to New York City. We had another friend who is an orchestra conductor and she was invited to perform there! We are so proud of her and to think she lives in our tiny little midwestern town is just amazing! We spent four nights there and stayed in a hotel near Central park which was super convenient to almost all of the sights and activities we wanted to fit in. We ate some incredible food but luckily walked it off: 8 miles a day on average! We haven’t traveled much with our kids yet other than to Door County, Wisconsin, so it was fun to change it up and visit a place so wildly different from where we are used to. I’m eager to get back into the swing of things with my clients and normal routine. Between traveling and before that, sick kids, I feel like I haven’t gotten a full week of work. I have one more week before our kids are on Spring break so I have a lot to pack in this week! I had a client message me this week that her divorce was finalized. It took less than three months and $3,000! I can’t tell you how much I love getting messages like that! Considering parenting plans, divisions of assets and all the emotions, these are such great success stories. What’s even better, is she did it without cutting corners. She had an attorney. She went through the process thoughtfully and carefully. But she was able to do it without diving into the drama that can seem to want to seep into the divorce process.
Clients often ask me, usually at the very beginning when emotions are super high, about the trial that they believe will inevitably ensue. I usually giggle because it’s such a common question and also such a rare occurrence for my clients. I’ve only had one client end up in trial and they had hired their lawyer before they hired me. The questions are pretty funny now that I have been a Certified Divorce Coach for over four years. “Is the divorce trial open to the public?” “Do I need to have witnesses about how my husband treated me?” “Can I print off text messages from my wife to show the judge how awful she was?” HOLD ON. Let’s slow down a bit. This is where I love to talk about how Real Divorce is not TV Divorce. This is not Judge Judy. It’s honestly pretty rare that a divorce ends up at trial. If your divorce ends up in trial, someone is being completely unreasonable and/or has an attorney who is terrible. This could be either party. You might be totally level headed with a calm, intelligent, emotionally responsive attorney but your spouse could have hired the devil’s brother for their attorney. There are so many steps that happen BEFORE even considering a trial. Also, there are a lot of CMC’s (case management conferences) which a lot of people THINK are trials. These are not trials. These are chances for the judge to hear how the divorce process is going and to help move everyone along. It also helps the divorce court judge to know if someone IS being unreasonable and call them or their attorney out for it. This is also often when a court ordered mediator or GAL (guardian ad litem) will be ordered. While I’d love for all of my clients to avoid even getting to those steps, and they often do, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Mediators and GALs can help bring reason and logic to the table when it feels like all is lost. Yes, I know there are some terrible mediators and GALs. I know they don’t always agree with us. I know there are some that really seem to take sides. But I think the majority are good and are trying to help everyone move forward. It’s hard in the beginning for people to see this, but by working with me, I often can coach both my client and their spouses by simply working with my client. But how?? No, I’m not a mediator. And no, I don’t talk to my client’s spouses. I help my clients rise up. We talk through their relationship. What motivates them and their spouse? What triggers each of them? What ways do they work well together? What are hot buttons to avoid? Working through this we create a strategy to help them invite their spouse to work TOGETHER on the divorce. What actions can be taken so both people ‘win’ when it’s all over? What are everyone’s goals for the future? And if you DO end up in mediation or with a GAL, I coach you on how to make the most of those opportunities and how to not screw it up! When we do this, AND my clients take effective action, we avoid the trial stage. My clients get through their divorce well, inexpensively and have a positive co-parenting relationship with their ex. I love this. Nothing makes me happier than knowing my clients go through one of the worst life experiences with grace and dignity, without spending a fortune. XO Katie Well, Hello again! I think our family is FINALLY done passing sickness around. Have you had to deal with that too? I feel like someone has been sick since the New Year and I’m glad we’re on the other side of it (hopefully!) We have some exciting things planned for the next couple of weeks that I’ll share about more once they’re complete. For now I’m working hard to get ahead on some projects. I'm also excited to see signs of Spring in my garden again. Gardening is one of my favorite self-indulgences and best therapy in my opinion! You may remember last fall I launched my divorce course “Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity.” It was a massive undertaking! I’m so glad to have it out there in the universe for anyone who wants a quick, straightforward and inexpensive guide to the divorce process. It’s perfect for someone who needs to divorce on a budget especially! I cover all of the topics that you could possibly need with the exception of how to talk to your spouse about divorce. I hope to record a video on that topic soon that not only will be added to the course, but available for anyone who needs it. I’m thinking about hosting it on YouTube with a link from my website. All of this tech side of running a business is not normally in my wheelhouse but I think I’m getting better at it! Up until now I’ve hosted my course on Thinkific but I’m making the transition to host it privately. If you have already purchased it on Thinkific, or still want to, you'll still have full access to it wherever it gets transitioned to. It will either be passcoded on my website or it will be a Google Folder download. I’d love any suggestions you might have on that for me! I’ve also been considering creating a men’s divorce support group or workshop just to help men through the divorce process. The majority of my clients are women and personally I think it’s because men sometimes have trouble asking for help. The men that do work with me are amazing! La creme de la creme of gentlemen! They are men who are empathetic, want the best for their wives and kids, work hard and have a goal to keep improving themselves. I know there are more guys like that out there and I hope to reach them. I think so often men feel alone during divorce. Divorce brings about a lot of shame for men and embarrassment. They put their head down and pretend it’s not happening. They leave it all for their attorney to manage when they really can take a much more proactive approach to divorce. I love working with men who want to divorce well so they can be empowered to do so! I think getting a focused support group together just for those men would be amazing and powerful. And speaking of that, I’d love to talk a bit about how to not take sides during a divorce. We’ve all been there. We have a couple where each person is friends with both us and our partner. They suddenly announce they are divorcing and we feel caught in between. More often than not, we tend to back away and try to not get involved. In doing so, we alienate them when they need us the most. It feels impossible, doesn’t it? How can we support our friends who are divorcing while also not taking sides? It's so easy to fall into #teamwife and #teamhusband squads as our friends divorce, but I assure you, you do not know the whole story. You're getting a washed down version based on the perception of the spouse to whom you are closest. Meanwhile, your spouse might very well be getting a completely DIFFERENT version from the other partner! Don’t be surprised if this causes arguments between the two of you even! I can speak to this from two angles: someone who has been divorced (and witnessed the friend migration) and someone who has had friends and acquaintances divorce. From my first perspective, it's so painful to come off of losing your spouse, your in-laws, your dreamed-of future, your home and now....your friends have left too??? I distinctly remember the feeling that many friends and even some of my extended family took the ‘side’ of my ex-husband. All they knew was that I had filed for divorce from him and that was enough to give the benefit of the doubt that he was the victim. Not only was I navigating a painful, traumatic divorce, I was having to find a new set of friends that I could trust and enjoy spending time with. I felt like I had to prove my worthiness to people that knew me. That I had to explain myself. That I was constantly being judged. All while grieving what I had lost. I was exhausted and emotionally drained. From my second perspective, if we have friends that are going through a divorce, I still actively have to remind myself their divorce is not my story and I don't know what their lives were really like. Sure, I knew them both and we enjoyed their company. Of those that have had children, they both seemed like good parents. They were always polite to each other. So how could they possibly be getting a divorce??? WHO is at fault???? As humans we often need to find fault to justify an action that bothers us. Surely someone must have messed up. We feel uncomfortable at other people’s hardships and struggles and it helps us manage our discomfort to place blame on someone or something, whether it’s valid or not. It helps us sleep at night and be okay. But. We need to stop doing that. Please be nice. In your mind you can disagree with how you THINK (yes, emphasis on ‘think’) they behaved in the marriage (remember, you weren't there!) but you can still be kind. Please still make room for them at the table. Literally, invite them to sit with you. Please still talk to them at school pickup. Please still invite them over when it's their weekend to have the kids. Especially invite them over when it’s their weekend WITHOUT the kids. Please still offer them encouragement and acceptance. From their perspective, they are going through something equally hard as the spouse you are closer to. The more well loved, supported and cared for each person going through a divorce feels, the better for the entire family. When someone going through a divorce feels supported by their friends and family they often are more willing to amicably divorce and move on with their lives. They’re not as fearful of the future. They don’t dig their heels in as much to make life difficult for their ex-spouse because they have a more positive outlook on their future. You aren’t being unfaithful to your friend by being kind to their STBX. You’re helping support them so they can be the best version of themselves for your friend and any children they have. XO Katie I’ve been a Certified Divorce Coach for over four years now and I STILL cringe when someone says they “want to hire a bulldog attorney” or “I need an attorney that is a SHARK!” No. You don’t. I love talking my clients off this ledge and helping them see that in the end, they are glad they chose a more peaceful route. Divorce is too often portrayed as a battleground, with bitter disputes and emotional turmoil. I like to call it “TV Divorce.” But really, it doesn't have to be that way. In recent years, the concept of amicable divorce has gained traction, offering couples a more peaceful and collaborative way to end their marriage. So let’s talk about and explore what it means to divorce amicably, the benefits it offers, and practical tips for navigating this journey with grace and respect. Understanding Amicable Divorce: Amicable divorce is a process where separating couples strive to dissolve their marriage with minimal conflict and animosity. It involves open communication, cooperation, and mutual respect. Instead of viewing each other as adversaries, spouses approach the divorce as partners in a shared goal: to end the marriage in a way that is fair, respectful, and beneficial for both parties, especially if there are children involved. Benefits of Amicable Divorce: 1. Emotional Well-being: Amicable divorce prioritizes emotional well-being by reducing stress, anxiety, and hostility. Instead of dwelling on grievances and fueling resentment, couples focus on finding constructive solutions and moving forward with their lives. 2. Cost-effectiveness: Traditional divorces can be financially draining due to legal fees, court costs, and prolonged disputes. Amicable divorce tends to be more cost-effective since it minimizes legal battles and allows couples to reach agreements outside of court. 3. Preservation of Relationships: Amicable divorce aims to preserve positive relationships, especially when there are children involved. By maintaining civility and cooperation, parents can continue to co-parent effectively and support their children's well-being. 4. Control and Autonomy: Rather than leaving critical decisions in the hands of a judge, amicable divorce empowers couples to retain control over the outcome. They have the flexibility to negotiate terms that are tailored to their unique circumstances and priorities. 5. Faster Resolution: Resolving issues amicably can expedite the divorce process, allowing couples to move on with their lives sooner rather than later. This can be particularly beneficial for those eager to start anew and minimize disruptions to their daily lives. Tips for Achieving an Amicable Divorce: 1. Prioritize Communication: Effective communication is essential for navigating an amicable divorce. Keep lines of communication open, express your needs and concerns honestly, and listen attentively to your spouse's perspective. Avoiding blame and practicing active listening can foster understanding and cooperation. 2. Focus on the Big Picture: During divorce negotiations, it's easy to get caught up in minor details or past grievances. Instead, focus on the bigger picture and long-term goals. Ask yourself what matters most in the grand scheme of things and be willing to compromise on less significant issues. 3. Seek Professional Guidance: While amicable divorce emphasizes cooperation, it's still advisable to seek professional guidance from a divorce coach, mediator, lawyer, and therapists. These professionals can provide valuable insights, facilitate negotiations, and ensure that your rights and interests are protected throughout the process. 4. Keep Children's Interests in Mind: If children are involved, prioritize their well-being and minimize the impact of the divorce on their lives. Maintain a united front as co-parents, encourage open communication with your children, and reassure them of your love and support. 5. Practice Self-care: Divorce can be emotionally taxing, so prioritize self-care throughout the process. Take time to rest, engage in activities that bring you joy, and seek support from friends, family, or support groups. Prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being will enable you to navigate the divorce process more effectively. 6. Be Flexible and Open-minded: Flexibility is key to reaching mutually beneficial agreements. Be willing to consider alternative solutions, adapt to changing circumstances, and approach negotiations with an open mind. Remember that compromise is often necessary to achieve a satisfactory outcome for both parties. 7. Focus on the Future: While it's natural to dwell on the past during a divorce, it's essential to focus on the future. Set realistic goals, envision the life you want to build post-divorce, and take proactive steps towards realizing your aspirations. By focusing on the possibilities that lie ahead, you can approach the divorce process with optimism and resilience. Divorce is undoubtedly a challenging and emotional experience, but it doesn't have to always mean there will be conflict and acrimony. Amicable divorce offers couples a more peaceful and collaborative alternative, allowing them to dissolve their marriage with dignity, respect, and mutual understanding. By prioritizing communication, cooperation, and compromise, couples can navigate the divorce process with grace and emerge ready to embrace the next chapter of their lives. I'd love to help you work through this process and be your Trail Guide along the way! Send a message to me to learn more! xo Kate Going through a divorce in a Small Town is like.... Amiright? Been There, Done That. One question I get when I first talk with a potential client that still surprises me is "Do you keep our conversations confidential? Is Divorce Coaching confidential?” YES. 10000% YES. I get it. I make my life in Small Town, USA (AKA Peoria, Illinois.) Everyone knows everyone and if they don't, they know someone else who does. Considering that I live in Central Illinois, this question shouldn't surprise me…yet it always does. It surprises me because of how seriously I take your confidentiality and trust in me. I honor your privacy with the greatest intentionality. In my mind, privacy comes first and the process comes next. When you work with me I have the policy that I will only acknowledge, if I'm even asked, that "I know of you" if your name happens to come up in conversation. If I see you in public I'll wave back or say "Hi" ONLY if you greet me first. I even go so far as to only scribble basic notes without your name attached to anything. I file them where I can refer back but no one else could ever decipher and connect them to you. (Also for the record, my husband who formerly taught middle school English tells me my handwriting is worse than a 7th grade boy's, so there's that factor too). I have no doubt you already have enough unwanted onlookers. My promise to you, as your Certified Divorce Coach, is that I will do everything in my power to protect your privacy. Personally speaking, I remember how it was during my divorce. I remember that I had a trip planned to visit a college friend and his new girlfriend. The friend had been a mutual friend of my ex-husband’s and mine, but I had stayed more in touch with him. It was NOT a romantic relationship in the slightest. More of a ‘he’s kind of like a lovable but sometimes annoying older brother.” I needed a vacation. Remember, I was working 50-60 hour weeks at my job as a mortgage loan officer at a local bank during the wildly busy mortgage boom of the early 2000’s. I also was opening my new coffee shop, Eli’s Coffee Shop, in Morton, Il at the time. I was stressed, overworked and desperately needed a vacation. This seemed perfect. Money was tight for me after the divorce so I could stay with him and his girlfriend for free and was really excited to finally have something planned. I went on the trip and enjoyed myself. I met some of their friends, relaxed and had a nice time away. I went home rejuvenated and ready to get back to work. And then I heard the rumor. Or rather, RUMORS. Plural. The rumor was “Katie flew back to Colorado to reignite an old relationship.” “Katie tried to see if there was anything between her and their friend but he turned her down and she came home disappointed.” “Katie came home from Colorado rejected.” WHAT. How did that even happen? I think I know how it happened and someone near and dear to me was in the middle of it. It involved a local Bible study, a relative and a connection to my ex husband’s new girlfriend’s mom (say that 10 times fast!) Essentially, a recipe for disaster in the divorce world. I was stung by the unfairness of this group of ladies who were gossiping about me. The ultimate game of telephone as adults. I knew then and there that I never wanted to be part of something like that. Another scenario I was out with a group of ladies. I really only knew one of them. The rest were her extended friends. At one point it came up that I was going through a divorce. One of the ladies was horrified, even though we had just met. She spent the next 20 minutes lecturing me on why I should NOT get a divorce and why ‘you should try harder to save your marriage.’ I had never met this woman before in my life and she knew nothing about my marriage. But she had all the opinions. It’s a lot, you guys. I’ve lived it and I know what you’re worried about going through. I pride myself on confidentially helping my clients understand the divorce process. The last thing anyone needs is one more person to gossip about them and spread false rumors. XO Kate Valentine’s Day 2024 A lot of us have a Love-Hate Relationship with Valentine’s Day. While I’m happy to, heck I even ENJOY, showing my love to my kids and husband on Valentine’s Day, I don’t love the marketing behind it. I don’t love that the showing of love is EXPECTED and is marketed to be done in a certain way or else it ‘doesn’t count.’ I distinctly remember going through my divorce while I worked as a loan officer at a small local bank outside of Peoria, Illinois. All day long there was a parade of flowers being delivered to my female co-workers. Every time a different florist delivery driver stopped in, all the ladies excitedly stood up to look over their cubicle walls to see if there was a delivery for them. One lady even had a singing telegram!? Okay…I mean, that was a little much. And weird. She just stood there awkwardly while we all stared at her and she was sung to by the troupe. That part certainly didn’t make me feel envious! Notwithstanding the singing telegram, I remember having a pit in my stomach. Everyone knew what I was going though. NONE of those flowers were going to be for me and we all knew it. I worked hard to show happiness for my friends and co-workers as they beamed with pride. I hope I did a good enough job. They were not trying to rub it in my face (at least I don’t think they were!) but it still hurt my feelings. It also felt like my divorce stood out extra that day. Like I was wearing the proverbial Scarlet Letter. What was wrong with ME that I didn’t have that love? That no one cared about me enough to send flowers? That I didn’t have dinner reservations with someone special? That I didn’t have a new piece of jewelry to show off and get the oohh's and aahh's over that day? Nothing. Nothing was wrong with me. Although I didn’t realize it then. It just took me awhile to figure it out. A day filled with Facebook and Instagram posts by friends receiving the coveted dozen red roses, flowers showing up for co-workers who blush and giggle that "He remembered!" and images on television of handsome men suddenly latching a new diamond pendant around their significant other's neck when she is not expecting it is not an accurate gauge of how lovable we are. Brace yourselves, my friends. No matter the stage of separation or divorce that you are in you may feel triggered multiple times today. You may not even be at that stage but in a marriage struggling to hang on by a thread of hope. You might be barely able to make it through dinner without a fight or tears. The word ‘divorce’ maybe has not even been uttered. But if there is no romantic love in your life to celebrate, you may feel just as empty and lonely. Showmanship on the holiday that marketers of flowers, cars, jewelry and chocolates live for is not a mutually exclusive sign of your worthiness of love (or a strong marriage for that matter.) Just because you may not be in a wildly loving relationship TODAY does not mean you are incapable of receiving or giving love. Just because you do not receive a dozen red roses does not mean you are less worthy of love than your cubicle partner. There are so many ways on this planet to love so many different people or creatures. If you think you might be triggered today, start a list of how you give and receive love, and to whom. I’ve found it’s much better to have a list ready to go to refer to when I am navigating a stressful life event. A lot of times we don’t have the energy in those specific moments to come up with ways to love or good deeds or whatever it is we need to fill our cups. Here's a few to start: Feeding the birds Buy a special treat for your pup Pick up doughnuts for your kids Schedule coffee with your favorite aunt Make a phone call to your grandmother Bake cookies for a neighbor Plant a tree Buy a new houseplant Pick up garbage in your neighborhood Welcome hugs from your friends Write love letters to your kids Journal to yourself Call your parents Volunteer at the local Crisis Nursery or Homeless Shelter Sign up to be a CASA for a local child Donate blood at the American Red Cross What would you add? XO Katie "I will never have this version of me again, let me slow down and be with her" Rupi Kaur Going through a divorce, like any kind of grief, can often make us wish it away sooner than later. We do this in any variety of ways. Drinking too much. Dating too soon. Stuffing our emotions. Exercising too much. Scrolling all night. Netflix binge, again. This moment. You feel like it will never end. You feel like you will never get through it. But it will. And you will. Be gentle with yourself. With this moment. With this challenge. Slow down. Don't rush the process. (Don't drag your feet either but that's another post for another day.) After all, this is the only time you get to be this version of you. So who is she when she goes through grief? What does she need? What can help empower her? What will rebuild her life? What goals or desires has she put on the back burner for FAR too long that maybe NOW is the time to explore? What can she learn from this process to help her in the future? In my experience as a divorce coach, I've noticed that a lot of people start dating far too soon. I get it. There often is that new person that is the final catalyst for a divorce that should have happened YEARS ago. Or maybe you finally feel desired again. Perhaps you haven't felt attractive in who knows HOW long and finally someone looks at you like *that*. I get it. I know. Believe me. I REALLY know. But. Suddenly you're not just juggling the emotions of an ending marriage. Of a divorce. Of your children who also are feeling big emotions. Of financial stress. Of legal paperwork. Of court dates. Of social changes. Of awkward conversations. Of lost friend circles. Of family drama. But also you're navigating the topsy-turvy emotions of a new relationship. Which really, is enough in and of itself. There's only so much our souls can handle and this is too much. If you don't allow yourself to properly work through the grief, anger, sadness and yes, even excitement of the divorce process, those emotions about your ex will continuously pop up through your life. You're doing your future self a huge disservice by not letting those flow freely. You're also not in the best place to be starting a new relationship. You're seeking a thrill. You want to feel desired. Which means you just might not have the best lens of personality judgement on. I have had many clients come to me while we are not only working through their divorce challenges only to ask my help with an argument they've had with their new lover! Of course I will do this but this is such a stretch for anyone's emotional capacity, even my most emotionally intelligent clients. The last thing you want to do is go from the frying pan into the fryer for lack of better analogy. I remember my mom joking that when you're dating someone new, you really need to give them three months because often that's when their heads begin spinning and they start spewing green vomit. Three months is usually when things start to get weird in a relationship. Or the red flags start showing at the very least. She wasn't wrong. If we get swept up too fast and don't give the thrill of the new relationship time to show it's true colors we can find ourselves in a WORSE situation than we were before. Slow down, please. Pause and take a breath. Get outside. Take a walk. Take your kids to the park. Go to the library and get a new book. Join a service club (my personal favorite is Rotary!) Take an art class. Sign up for a yoga series. Try out a new church. Learn or refresh a language. Start a garden. One of my favorite bits of life magic is when I've tried something new only to have it turn into something I never would have expected. I would encourage you to be brave and try something new. Just for you. That's not toxic. That will help you GROW and EXPAND. That's not just to mask emotions but to help you soak up and round out who you really are RIGHT NOW. A wonderful bonus is that you will meet new people who are also interested in those things too. If you lost friends during your divorce, this is a great way to find a social circle of kindred spirits. My personal story: I dated pretty quickly post divorce. I was only 25 and had no kids. I remember finally getting SO fed up with dating (you know...the whole spewing green vomit thing???) I finally heeded my own advice that I am now giving and PAUSED. I stopped. I decided I was only going to focus on me and my well being. I poured my energy into my fledgling business, Eli's Coffee Shop. I moved into the 2nd floor tiny studio apartment. I worked 16 hour days, almost 7 days a week. I quit my day job as a loan officer. I was ALL IN for me. I met new people. Some of my best friends now were my customers then. I joined the local Chamber of Commerce and developed a network of business partners that still support me to this day. But best of all?? My husband walked in there. He was the cute new 7th grade L.A. teacher in town. He would come in and order a green tea and grade papers. He liked to shoot photography in the summer months and one day sent a message to me on MySpace...yes the MySpace days! He asked if he could hang his photos there. We both were simply pursuing our passions and working towards our dreams. We were both well out of relationships by the time we met, his heart broken earlier that year too. We were focusing on ourselves and mending our souls. By doing so we were able to notice whom we really were and what we really desired. Somehow the first month of 2024 is almost over! I've been wildly and joyfully busy in all areas of my life! It took a little bit to get a routine back in place with what felt like too many snow and ice days keeping our kids home from school, but this week, FINALLY, I should be able to get five straight work days! I thought it would be fun to share five topics with you all to connect on a more personal level. Let me know what you think! 1. One Win: I’ve been stepping back from social media and working to connect more on my website, in person, my email list and blog. I have clients all over the country, but I had someone reach out to me from the farthest state yet….Alaska! They live in a small village that is only accessible by plane to boot. Amazing! Divorce knows no boundaries. It will definitely be an interesting experience taking into consideration the remoteness of their location. 2. A quote I'm pondering that I think aligns with the moment that it all 'clicks' for my clients: I'm right there with them every step of the way, but they have to be the ones to make the decision to divorce. Often my clarification of the process helps with that part but I still cannot tell them what to do.
3. What I'm reading: Catherine the Great: Portrait of a Woman. I'm about 4/5 of the way through and it reads like a novel and history book in one. Sometimes biographies can be bland but this writer does a marvelous job of keeping the reader intrigued. 4. One personal note: My husband and I started a podcast! I have always been fascinated with religion, history and sociology. We are visiting a different house of worship every week and then blogging and podcasting about it. This isn't a debate about religion or an attempt to sway or convert. It's a personal exploration of faith across all world religions. If you find that sort of thing interesting I hope you'll check it out! 5. One review from a client: "What a lifeline!! Katie helped me through the intense rollercoaster of one of the most complicated divorce processes ever. She has an incredible gift of staying relational and calm AND is able to be focused and factual. This is a rare find in a human! Her ability to help me stay focused on next steps despite the chaotic events of the divorce kept me grounded. She helped me fill out complicated court paperwork one step at a time. She helped me talk through and formulate my questions before I called my lawyer so I could be articulate and precise. Before I secured Katie’s services, I remember wondering if I could afford a divorce coach. The truth is, I couldn’t afford to go through my divorce alone without Katie. Highly recommended." This was an amazing client who started out quite timid and constantly worried about her future. To see her transformation into an empowered and confident women was such a gift to me! xo Katie “Life is hard—not because we’re doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.” Glennon Doyle
As my first marriage crumbled, I remember wondering why this was so hard? I thought I had made the right choice in my first husband. I imagine he felt the same. We were both intelligent, hard working, frugal and almost always did the right thing. We were good people; shouldn't this be easy? Except that we got married and it wasn't working. Divorce was hard but NOT divorcing would have been exponentially harder. Once I accepted it was OKAY for two good people to not be good TOGETHER the idea of my divorce became a lot easier to handle. Once that I accepted that our hard working personalities were not a determination of marital success it became easier to continue on a path of personal success as I learned how to be single. Once I accepted that there was nothing wrong with my ability to love just because I was divorced, it became a lot easier to move forward with my life. Was the divorce hard? Yes. So hard. But we weren't doing anything wrong. In fact, I think we did life just right by making the choice we did. Because what if we hadn't? Would we have had children only to divorce a decade and a half later once life with teenagers pushed us over the brink? Would I have had the energy to do what I do now with my gallery, ceramic art and property management? I'm sure I wouldn't have the idea to be a divorce coach. Or would I have fallen into a slump, unenergetic to do anything except survived each day? That decision is hard. Toggling is harder. Not divorcing is harder. So many clients, once their divorce is finalized, tell me how mad they are at themselves that they haven't done this SOONER. That it feels like a massive weight has been lifted. That life seems so much brighter now. You can read more about what they have to say HERE. Have you decided? Or maybe you just need a little bit of clarity to make that final decision. Maybe you need to understand the timing or logistics of the divorce process, let's have a call. 30 minutes to clarity. XO Katie Hello again! It’s been absolutely FREEZING here in Central Illinois the past week. Sub-zero (by a lot) wind chills. We have hardly left the house and if we do it’s only to run from one warm place to the next as fast as we can. Today reached a balmy 24 with abundant sunshine and it makes me so happy! We’re at that time of the year where the divorce filings are also abundant. Everyone who wanted to get through the holidays is doing it now. But even those who have waited for the perfect timing, knowing their divorce was inevitable, still feel all the emotions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, envy on one end to excited, anxious, and relieved! One storyline that seems to cause the most frustration with my clients though is that of the spouse who has borne the brunt of emotional abuse. The spouse whose life has been made miserable. The spouse who has been told they are worthless. The spouse who has been made to feel like they can never do ANYTHING right. But yet, their partner never files for divorce. “Why are they making ME do it??” they ask me. “They can’t stand me so much, but yet, they won’t file.” “My spouse hasn’t touched me in almost a decade but yet they say they won’t file because they made a vow to me.” “I’ve asked them to go to marriage counseling so we can work on our issues but they refuse!” “Now that I’ve told them I want a divorce, they’re blaming ME for the downfall of the marriage!” Ay yi yi. This is all too common. Insanely common. I can *almost* finish the story when I hear someone start to explain to me what their marriage is like and why they are hiring me as their divorce coach. Now, I’m not a therapist, but this sounds like some major anger and control issues to me! Spouse A, the offender, wants things their way and their way only. Spouse B tries for YEARS to make it work. The behavior of Spouse A ebbs and flows *just* enough, and after all, they never actually HIT Spouse A, so it can’t be *that* bad, right?? And of course, there are usually children involved and Spouse B hopes they can tough it out until the kids are older. Suddenly though, Spouse A starts treating the kids like they’ve been treating their spouse. Spouse B realizes they’ve had enough. Spouse B realizes this doesn’t just affect them, it’s going to affect the children. Spouse B suggest marriage counseling. Spouse A flat out refuses, OR shows up to one counseling session in the best of spirits and twists the stories to make Spouse A look (and feel) a little crazy. Do I need to go on? There are so many examples and versions of this same story. If this is what you are experiencing, you are in good company (unfortunately). This is far too common. The good news is that you’ll eventually be divorced and it will be like a 180 pound dark veil has been lifted off you that’s been covering your entire body for as long as you can remember. Suddenly, you’ll wonder (and just a forewarning…maybe be a little mad at yourself) for not doing it sooner. This tactic is common among gas lighters, narcissists and those that love to manipulate the story to make themselves look good and stay in control. It’s not going to be smooth sailing to get out of that situation. They do everything they can to make you feel bad. They’ll do what they can to make you miserable. They don’t think you’ll actually do it. And suddenly, one day, you do. XO Katie |
About Katie VAndenBergKatie makes her life surrounded by river valleys and surprisingly beautiful cornfields. Her days are spent helping her divorce clients, working with her tenants, spending time on her pottery wheel and loving her family. Archives
March 2024
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