Are You in a Relationship with a High-Conflict Person? The Patterns That Finally Made It Clear10/12/2025
If you're reading this, you're probably wondering if what you're experiencing is "normal" relationship conflict or something more serious. Here's what I want you to know: if you're constantly walking on eggshells, questioning your own reality, or feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough, those are significant red flags. You're not imagining it, and you're not alone.
I'll never forget the moment Sarah sat across from me in my office, her hands wrapped tightly around her coffee cup. "I keep thinking I'm the problem," she said quietly. "My husband tells me I'm too sensitive, that I overreact to everything. But Katie, I feel like I'm losing my mind."
As a divorce coach, I've heard variations of this story more times than I can count. And almost always, what follows is a familiar pattern – one that took Sarah years to recognize, but only minutes for me to spot. She wasn't losing her mind. She was living with a high-conflict, narcissistic person. Understanding Narcissistic Relationships: You're Not Alone
The research on narcissistic behavior patterns has grown significantly in recent years, and what we've learned is validating for so many people: narcissistic traits are more common than most people realize. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who has dedicated her career to this work, has helped thousands of people recognize these patterns.
The challenge? High-conflict and narcissistic individuals rarely seek help or acknowledge their behavior. This leaves their partners confused, doubting themselves, and often staying far longer than is healthy. The Checklist That Changed Everything for My Divorce Coaching Clients
When I first started working with clients navigating divorces from high-conflict partners, I found myself repeating the same observations over and over. "Does he blame you for everything?" "Does she refuse to take accountability?" "Do you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells?"
Then I came across Dr. Ramani's work. In her book Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With A Narcissist, Dr. Ramani created a 30-point checklist specifically designed to help people recognize narcissistic relationship patterns. This checklist isn't meant to diagnose anyone clinically; it's designed to help people like Sarah identify patterns of behavior that indicate they're in a high-conflict or narcissistic marriage. The first time Sarah filled out the checklist during one of our divorce coaching sessions, she checked off 22 out of 30 items. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I thought it was just me," she whispered. It wasn't just her. And if you're reading this from Peoria, Morton, Washington, or anywhere in Central Illinois or beyond it probably isn't just you either. 
Why Traditional Relationship Advice Falls Short With Narcissistic Partners
Here's what makes high-conflict relationships so confusing: all the normal relationship advice doesn't work.
"Have you tried communicating better?" Well-meaning friends ask. "Maybe you need to be more understanding of his perspective." "Have you considered couples counseling?" Yes, yes, and yes. My divorce coaching clients have tried all of it. And it didn't work because you can't use healthy relationship tools in an unhealthy relationship dynamic. In fact, many therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse actually advise against couples counseling with a narcissistic partner, as it can give them more ammunition to use against you. It's like trying to fix a broken foundation by repainting the walls. In my divorce coaching practice, I help clients understand that recognizing these patterns isn't about blame or diagnosis. It's about clarity. It's about finally having words for what you've been experiencing and permission to trust your own reality again. 
7 Key Signs You're in a High-Conflict or Narcissistic Relationship
While Dr. Ramani's full 30-point checklist is available in her book, through my years of divorce coaching, I've identified the most common narcissistic relationship signs that signal you're dealing with a high-conflict partner:
1. They Never Take Accountability: It's always someone else's fault – usually yours. When confronted with hurtful behavior, they deflect, deny, or turn it around so somehow you're the one apologizing. This pattern of avoiding responsibility is one of the hallmark signs of narcissistic behavior. 2. Your Feelings Don't Matter (Lack of Empathy): When you express hurt or disappointment, they dismiss it, minimize it, or tell you you're "too sensitive." Research shows that individuals with narcissistic traits often lack empathy and struggle to validate others' emotions. You've learned to stop sharing how you feel because it only makes things worse. 3. Double Standards Are the Norm: They can stay out late without explanation, but if you're five minutes late from work, there's an interrogation. They can spend money freely, but you need to justify every purchase. The double standard is exhausting and designed to keep you off-balance. 4. You're Constantly Confused (Gaslighting): They said one thing yesterday, but today they're insisting they never said that. You find yourself questioning your own memory and perception of events. This manipulation tactic, called gaslighting, is incredibly damaging and is a common narcissistic abuse pattern. 5. Walking on Eggshells Has Become Your Default: You've learned to monitor their mood, adjust your behavior, and carefully word everything you say. The mental energy this takes is absolutely draining. Many of my divorce coaching clients describe feeling like they had been beat up just from managing their partner's emotions. 6. They Isolate You From Support Systems: Slowly, over time, your relationships with friends and family have deteriorated. Maybe they directly discouraged these relationships, or maybe they made it so uncomfortable to have a social life that you stopped trying. Isolation is a key control tactic in high-conflict relationships. 7. Nothing Is Ever Good Enough (Moving Goalposts): No matter how hard you try, it's never quite right. The goalposts keep moving, and you're perpetually striving for approval that never comes. This pattern keeps you focused on "fixing" yourself rather than recognizing the unhealthy dynamic. 
What I've Learned From My Divorce Coaching Clients in Central Illinois
Through countless divorce coaching sessions with clients throughout Peoria, Morton, Washington and surrounding communities, I've observed that people in high-conflict relationships often share similar experiences:
They've lost themselves. One client told me, "I don't even know what I like anymore. I spent so many years adapting to what he wanted that I forgot who I am." They feel tremendous guilt about considering divorce. Because there might not be obvious abuse or infidelity, they feel like their reasons aren't "good enough." Let me be clear: emotional abuse is abuse. Constant criticism is abuse. Being made to feel worthless in your own relationship is abuse. They're afraid no one will believe them. High-conflict individuals are often charming in public. Your spouse might be the life of the party, the dedicated community volunteer, the person everyone else thinks is wonderful. This makes your experience feel even more isolating. They've tried everything to fix it. By the time clients come to me for divorce coaching, they've usually spent years trying to make things work. They've read the books, suggested counseling, changed their own behavior, and bent over backwards to keep the peace. The Family Roles That Keep You Trapped in a Narcissistic Marriage
Beyond individual behaviors, high-conflict family systems often assign everyone specific roles. Understanding these roles can be eye-opening for my divorce coaching clients:
Maybe you've become the Enabler, the one who keeps the family functioning despite the chaos, constantly making excuses and cleaning up messes. Or perhaps you're the Scapegoat, the one who gets blamed for everything that goes wrong, even when it makes no logical sense. Your children might be assigned roles too: the Golden Child who can do no wrong in your partner's eyes, or the Invisible Child who has learned to disappear to avoid conflict. Recognizing these patterns isn't about judgment. It's about understanding the system you're living in so you can make informed decisions about your future. 
When Staying Becomes More Painful Than Leaving: High-Conflict Divorce in Illinois
I often tell my clients that divorce isn't the failure, staying in a relationship that slowly destroys your sense of self is the real tragedy.
Sarah stayed in her marriage for three years after recognizing the patterns. She needed that time to prepare emotionally and financially, to gather her strength, and to develop an exit strategy. As her divorce coach, I supported her through every step of that process, including:
But something had shifted in Sarah. She wasn't questioning herself anymore. She knew the truth of what she'd lived through, and that clarity gave her the strength to keep moving forward. 
Frequently Asked Questions About High-Conflict and Narcissistic Relationships
1. How do I know if my spouse is truly narcissistic or just difficult?
While only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you can recognize narcissistic behavior patterns. If your partner consistently shows lack of empathy, refuses accountability, manipulates your reality, and the relationship leaves you feeling confused and diminished, these are red flags worth taking seriously. 2. Can a narcissist change with therapy or counseling? Research shows that true narcissistic personality patterns are extremely difficult to change, as individuals with these traits rarely believe they have a problem. If your partner has spent years showing these patterns and refuses to acknowledge their behavior, waiting for change often means sacrificing more years of your life. 3. Should I tell my narcissistic spouse I'm planning to divorce? As a divorce coach, I typically advise clients to have their plan in place before announcing divorce to a high-conflict partner. This includes consulting with an attorney, securing finances, and having emotional support ready. High-conflict individuals can escalate when they feel they're losing control. 4. Will anyone believe me about the emotional abuse? This is one of the most common fears I hear in divorce coaching sessions. The key is finding the right support: therapists who specialize in narcissistic abuse, attorneys experienced with high-conflict divorce, and divorce coaches who understand these dynamics. Your reality is valid, even if not everyone sees it. 5. How long does it take to divorce a narcissistic person? High-conflict divorces often take longer than average because the narcissistic partner may use the legal system as a way to maintain control and punish you for leaving. However, with the right legal team and divorce coaching support, you can navigate the process more efficiently and protect your emotional wellbeing. 
You're Not Imagining It: Trust Your Reality
If you're reading this and thinking, "This sounds like my relationship," I want you to know something important: you're not crazy, you're not too sensitive, and you're not making it up.
High-conflict and narcissistic relationships have predictable patterns. Recognizing those patterns is the first step toward reclaiming your life. Whether you're just beginning to question your marriage or you're ready to move forward with divorce in Central Illinois, you don't have to navigate this alone. As a divorce coach serving Peoria, Morton, Washington, and surrounding communities, I help clients understand these dynamics, plan their next steps, and rebuild their confidence in their own perceptions and decisions. The checklist Sarah filled out that day in my office didn't tell her anything she didn't already know deep down. It simply gave her permission to trust what she'd been experiencing all along. If you need that same permission, consider this it: Your reality is valid. Your feelings matter. And wanting more for yourself isn't selfish! It's healthy. You deserve a life where you're not constantly walking on eggshells, where your feelings are respected, and where you can be yourself without fear. That life is possible, and it starts with trusting yourself enough to acknowledge what you've been living through.
If you're considering divorce or questioning whether your relationship is healthy, I'm here to help. As a divorce coach in Central Illinois, I provide confidential, personalized support to help you navigate high-conflict divorce with clarity and confidence. Whether you're in Peoria, Morton, Washington, or anywhere in Central Illinois, reach out – you don't have to figure this out alone.
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