Roommate syndrome

One of the most common yet shame-filled reasons for seeking a divorce is the sense of simply "living as roommates" rather than as a married couple. It’s a feeling that clients often hesitate to share with a divorce coach or their divorce attorney because they fear it’s not a “real” reason for divorce. But the reality is, many couples reach a stage where they experience *nothing* – no passion, no meaningful conversations, no intimacy, no empathy, no excitement, and not even arguments. It’s just a persistent, empty silence that grows over time. ​

Roommate Syndrome

The cycle leading to this “roommate syndrome” often starts innocuously. A couple gets married, perhaps aware that things aren’t perfect but hoping they’ll get better. They decide to have children, and suddenly, the small annoyances magnify. Over time, these minor irritations are pushed aside or ignored. The issues may be addressed briefly, only for promises of change to fade away. ​

My Work as a Divorce Coach

​When I speak with clients in divorce coaching sessions, they often describe how one partner eventually suggests marriage counseling. Yet, this often results in outright refusal or a few lukewarm attempts that lead nowhere. The couple quickly falls back into the familiar rhythms of “nothingness.” The once-dissatisfied partner now feels trapped in a long waiting game, perhaps deciding to stay until the kids are grown. They’ve mastered the art of putting on a positive front in public, but behind closed doors, they barely interact. ​

Is Roommate Syndrome a Valid Reason for Divorce?

As a divorce coach, I encounter many individuals who struggle with guilt and shame over the thought of divorcing under these circumstances. They feel that since there hasn’t been abuse or infidelity, they “shouldn’t” be so unhappy. But I can assure you, through countless divorce coaching sessions, that this situation is far more common than most people realize. The strain of “roommate syndrome” can be emotionally exhausting and profoundly isolating, especially when one partner is ready to make a change and the other is content with the status quo.

Who’s Fault is the Divorce?

​When the topic of divorce finally arises, the partner who feels secure in the relationship dynamic may be shocked, blaming their spouse for “ruining” things. Yet in divorce coaching, we explore how this is a natural cycle that many couples endure, and it’s never the fault of just one person. Each individual in the relationship plays a role, and recognizing this can be a powerful first step in moving forward. ​

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Navigating "Roommate Syndrome" in Marriage

Lisa and Mark (not their real names) had been married for almost twenty years when Lisa first considered divorce. They’d built a life together, raised two children, and had all the trappings of a “successful” marriage: a comfortable home, shared family memories, and close-knit friends. But behind closed doors, Lisa felt an ever-growing emptiness. For years, she and Mark had lived like roommates rather than partners. Conversations centered around schedules and bills, intimacy had become a distant memory, and laughter seemed to have disappeared along with their shared dreams. 

At first, Lisa shrugged it off as a phase. “We’re just busy,” she told herself, “It’ll get better.” But as the years passed, the feeling deepened. She tried initiating date nights, bringing up the idea of counseling, and even asked Mark for more quality time. Mark’s responses were polite, though indifferent. He would nod along, make promises, and occasionally put in a half-hearted effort, but they’d always end up right back where they started: a life of “nothingness.”

As their children grew older, Lisa started planning to wait things out until they graduated, thinking it was her only option. She didn’t believe her feelings were “serious” enough to justify leaving – after all, Mark wasn’t abusive, unfaithful, or neglectful in any overt way. The shame she felt over the idea of leaving just because they “weren’t in love” anymore kept her stuck.

Then, she reached out to a therapist on her own. In their first session, Lisa was hesitant, feeling embarrassed to admit she was unhappy without a “real” reason. But as she shared her story, her therapist validated her feelings and reassured her that this “roommate syndrome” was more common than she realized. “Many couples find themselves here,” her therapist said, “And there’s no shame in wanting more for yourself.”

Lisa then hired me as her divorce coach and through the divorce coaching process, Lisa explored what she wanted for her life. She was able to process the guilt and fear holding her back and make a decision aligned with her values. For the first time in years, she felt a sense of hope for the future. I helped her plan the next steps, including how to approach the topic with Mark and prepare herself emotionally and financially. 

While Mark was initially taken aback when Lisa brought up the idea of divorce, he eventually admitted he, too, had been feeling disconnected for a long time. With guidance from me, Lisa navigated each stage of divorce with confidence, knowing she wasn’t alone in her journey.

Now, with a renewed sense of purpose, Lisa’s future felt more open than it had in years. The coaching had empowered her to recognize that she wasn’t selfish for wanting more – she was simply honoring her own need for connection, joy, and fulfillment.

But How Do You Really Know If Divorce Is the Next Step?

​I often remind my clients that if counseling has been attempted, if heartfelt conversations have led nowhere, then waiting only delays the inevitable. Staying in a stagnant marriage can lead to deeper financial entanglements and make it more difficult to achieve the fresh start they crave. Divorce coaching provides a structured, supportive way to address the fears, grief, and logistical challenges of moving on.

In my role as a divorce coach, my goal is to help individuals make peace with their decisions and plan for a future that reflects their values and goals. Many people stay far too long, thinking things will improve over time. But I always emphasize in divorce coaching that our time is valuable. The longer we remain in a state of "nothingness," the more we risk losing the opportunity for a fulfilling future.

So What Do You Do?

​Whether you’re just beginning to question the marriage or are ready to move forward, connecting with a divorce coach can provide the guidance, insight, and reassurance needed to take the next steps with confidence. You are not alone in feeling this way, and by acknowledging your needs, you’re already moving closer to a future filled with potential.