Starting and managing the Divorce Process is overwhelming. Doing it well takes patience, understanding and sometimes, a lot of money. This is why it’s important to know who you’ll encounter along the way to help you focus on the business side of divorce with fewer surprises and avoid unexpected divorce costs.
In this post I’ll share the different professionals involved in the divorce process and help you understand the role each of them performs.
It takes awhile to understand what each professional’s role is in the divorce process, and you don’t want to wait until you have a meeting scheduled with them to learn. That’s why I put together this easy list to help you! ​ How Do You Make the Most of Knowing What Each of These Professionals Do?
Once you start the divorce process, it’s easy to feel like you’re getting swept away in a riptide. Without planning and understanding, it’s easy to feel like you’re just shuffled along with legal acronyms that you don't know their meaning.
By understanding who each of these divorce professionals are, you’ll have time to more effectively research what their purpose is, their track record and prepare for your time with them. Family Law Attorney
A Family Law Attorney is probably the first professional you’ll encounter in your divorce process.
Their purpose is to:
Paralegal/Legal Assistant
A good Paralegal is PRICELESS in the divorce process. A lot of clients feel frustrated that they ‘never hear from their attorney and only get to talk to the paralegal’ but a lot of times, that’s actually a good thing! A Paralegal is usually a fraction of the hourly cost of a Family Law Attorney, and more often than not, knows just as much. While they can’t practice law, they can give you guidance on the process, the paperwork and next steps. It’s a good idea to try to get your answer first from the Paralegal before contacting your attorney.
Pro Tip: Be nice to the Paralegal! Many attorneys feel very protective of their assistants. If you’re rude or disrespectful to them, your attorney will probably hear about it. Divorce Coach
A divorce coach can be hired at any point in the process but is best if brought in earlier on. They can make much more impact in saving you from unnecessary expenses by helping you focus your energies on the next best steps. Too often emotions get the best of someone who is divorcing and they dig their heels in for an unreasonable settlement. When this happens, and their STBX doesn’t agree, the process comes to a halt and MORE professionals that cost MORE money need to be called in.
A Divorce Coach cannot offer legal advice but they will help you put your divorce together. You can think of them like a Wedding Planner or a Doula. While they won’t bake your wedding cake or actually deliver your baby, they are there to make sure you know what is happening, who to hire to help you and ensure the process keeps moving forward. You can learn more about what I do as a Divorce Coach here! Mediator
When a couple is divorcing and they can’t come to an agreement fast enough on their own, with the help of their attorneys, a court ordered mediator is often hired. This mediator has been trained in accordance with Family law in your state, although they usually cannot practice law or give advice.
​A mediator CAN:
​ 1. Offer legal advice 2. Take one party's side of the other 3. Determine the best agreement without working through it with you and your spouse. Red Flag: Visits with the mediator can be frustrating. Often clients are at this point because one member of the divorcing couple has dug in their heels or an attorney has dropped the ball in negotiations. The goal of the Mediator is to UNITE but unfortunately by this point, uniting is the farthest from some people’s minds. They sometimes have irrational ideas on what they think they can get from a divorce settlement. Other times there is an emotional immaturity that prevents a unified divorce decision. FYI: The next step after this is a court case in front of a judge to decide the outcome. Using a mediator is usually a last ditch effort to work out the divorce proceedings. Going to court is expensive, time consuming and emotionally draining. GAL
This is the Guardian Ad Litem, often referred to as the GAL. The GAL’s role is to represent the children of a divorcing couple when the parents cannot come to an agreed parenting plan. The GAL is court ordered and is responsible for talking to the children as well as the parents, other family members, key people in the children’s lives, think teachers or day care providers.
Because the GAL is trying to understand a family dynamic in a short amount of time, they often ask very direct questions, which can inflame parents and make them feel like their parenting is being attacked. Pro tip: Stay calm! If you get angry or lose your temper with the GAL, that may align with what your STBX says about you and the way you parent. The GAL is there to help the children. Most parents want what is best for their children, so help the GAL reach that understanding. Approaching the GAL from a point of view of thankfulness will help you keep your emotions in check and your goals aligned. You've Got This!
The divorce process is overwhelming but if you have an understanding of who you’ll encounter, it will feel less intimidating. The professionals, while expensive, are there to help you and your spouse get through the process in the smoothest way possible. The goal is divorce well and move on with your life. While sometimes it can feel validating to want to fight back and fight hard against your ex, remember that the best way to heal is to move on with your life. It is not to get stuck in a nasty, expensive legal battle that will only drain your emotions and your finances and stop you from being your best self.
About Katie VandenBerg
Katie began as a Divorce Coach after seeing the pitfalls too many friends were falling in during their divorce process. She became a Certified Divorce Coach in 2020 and has helped numerous clients have successful, low cost and amicable divorces.
She coaches her clients 1:1 and also has created a low cost and thorough course to help women and men divorce with grace and dignity while preserving their finances. If you think you're ready to divorce but feeling stuck based on some stories you've heard, check out my guide, Top Five Divorce Myths, to see if any sound familiar!
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Hello again friends! I have spent the past 5 days in beautiful Door County, Wisconsin. As I type this, it’s my last morning here. I’m hanging out for a bit before I go to the Door County Rotary Club meeting this morning. They meet for breakfast, which is perfect timing for me to visit with them before I get on the road to head home. I’ve had a wonderful time here; my first time spending a few days here completely alone. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while now but haven’t taken the time to make it happen. It always felt selfish, and I suppose it is, but it has been just what I needed to reset and reframe some perspectives that I didn’t realize were so needed! Have you ever traveled alone and left your spouse and kids for a few days? Not to travel with friends or other family, but completely alone? How was it for you? I came up because it’s "Art Drop Off" weekend at Edgewood Orchard Galleries in Fish Creek, Wisconsin. It’s such a beautiful place! The owners, JR and Nell are just delightful and always host a super fun dinner for the artists. It was the first chance since I’ve had my work there that I’ve been able to go and I’m so glad I did! The rest of the time I spent my days mostly hiking, of course. I managed to fit NINE separate hikes in four days, not counting two lovely strolls through downtown Fish Creek and on Cottage Row. I also scheduled a massage and facial and met up with a friend for dinner. It was a very filling trip but I’m very anxious to get home to see Ben and the kids! Although I don’t live here, I’ve gotten to know people and have a few friends here. I met one for dinner last night before she moves away soon. She is coming out of a tough relationship; not a marriage but still a painful breakup. She has done a lot of self work and while she’s disappointed in the situation, she knows that it’s not working and is moving on. She also has had the amazing realization that too many people NEVER become aware of: she is the only one who can make herself happy. We are the ONLY person who can fully have control over our own happiness. Not that other people can’t bring us joy and fulfillment. I love Ben. Ben’s amazing. He works hard to be kind and helpful and make my life easier. What if I wasn’t naturally happy though? Would I be open to seeing all he does and have it be an addition to my life? Or would I nitpick his efforts? Would I focus on the things he DOESN’T do? My friend commented that she has found the amazing gift of being fully herself and if that doesn’t work for someone, then OH WELL. I am so thrilled for her! It wasn’t until I had that same perspective shift after dating for about a year post divorce that I found myself completely fulfilled and ended up meeting Ben. I firmly believe that only once we turn our thoughts inward and focus our sights on our goals and passions are we ready to be open to having someone else in our life. My friend Francie with Founding Females is a business coach for women. Her mantra is ‘build your business around your life, not your life around your business’ and I would say the same thing for relationships: Build your relationship around your life, not your life around your relationship. What are you seeking? Excitement? Joy? Love? Fulfillment? Adventure? Passion? Is it there? Do you keep looking to your spouse for it? And what happens when they can't offer what you seek? Are you explosive? Sad? Angry? Lonely? You have it inside YOU. Another quote I love that connect to this is: "We carry within us the wonders we seek around us" ~Sir Thomas Browne My first husband and I met when we were 16 and 17. Never really dated anyone else and then got married during college. That was it. We had no other relationship experience. When we got divorced I really wanted to experience dating and I’m so glad I did. I wanted to learn about myself to see what I liked and didn’t like and I didn’t waste any time. If someone displayed characteristics that reminded me of my first marriage, I was done. Don’t worry, they’re all happily married themselves now and many of them I would still consider friendly acquaintances. They just weren’t for me and I was ONLY willing to allow someone into my life that fit into my life.
But Katie, that’s so selfish! Hear me out. Because I am fulfilled, I am the best wife I can be. I’m not envious or depressed about what ‘could have been.’ I am living my best life and get to share it with Ben. Because I am fulfilled, I also want really good things for Ben too and I’m willing to help him achieve his goals. We are both better off because we know we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness. Does sharing a life with him bring me happiness? Absolutely. But it’s not the ONLY way I have in place to find happiness. I have fantastic connections through my weekly Rotary meetings. I pour energy into our kids’ classrooms. I find joy and peace in my pottery. I am fulfilled when I work with my clients. xo Katie Hello again! I can’t believe it’s been another week already. Spring has been flying by! I’m a member of our local Garden Club and we had our Season Kick Off meeting the other night. When we finished out last season, April felt so far off in the distant future and yet, here we are. My garden is POPPING and everything is so green from all the rain we’ve had mixed with unseasonably warm weather. I’m feeling a bit rushed to get a few projects in before we miss the spring planting season. One of those is a Conservation Project I’m diving into. I didn’t expect to be the caretaker for this section of Earth but life is funny that way and we’ve found ourselves with a nice piece of land not too far from where we live. It’s virtually untouched, minus pesticide pressure from surrounding farms. I have 250 Evergreen trees on order to plant in May to help provide wind and overspray protection but I need to get planting native seeds and grasses in an open field area sooner than later. I leave tomorrow for a trip to Door County. BY MYSELF!!!! WHAT!?. My mom and I are both artists at Edgewood Orchard Galleries and it’s the weekend to deliver our art and attend the annual Artist Dinner they put on. I’m driving separately and I’ll be staying with my mom and her husband for a few days but then they will leave and I plan to stay a few more days! I’ve always wanted to have a personal retreat but have never taken the time. Of course it comes with a lot of mom guilt and spouse guilt over leaving my family for that long. Ben is so gracious about it though and literally is happy for me to have a chance to get away. I still am amazed that I am married to him and how encouraging and supportive he is to me (and he's cute too!) It was NOT always like this for me. If you’ve read my “about me” section, you know I’ve been married before. It was ROUGH. We were young, yes, but our marriage wasn’t good. I never felt like I was good enough for him, mostly well, because he told me. I distinctly remember him telling me once that he “just wanted me to want to be a better person for HIM.” Um, that’s not how that works, buddy! There was also a lot of jealousy, especially once I opened my coffee shop. Like, if he wasn’t happy, I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I tried everything that I knew how to do as a 25 year old. Honestly, as a now 44 year old, I’m not sure what else I could have done! I invited him to the church I was attending because he never came with me. Nope, that wasn’t going to happen. I said, “let’s find a church to go to together.” Nope, not that either. Okay fine, let’s try marriage counseling. No, absolutely not interested in that. He was not interested in doing or changing anything to save our marriage. Once I realized that, and thankfully I recognized that pretty quickly, I knew there was no hope. Why should I continue to stay in a relationship when my partner didn’t care enough about me or us to work hard to save it? When the time came to tell him I was going to pursue divorce, he was LIVID. Of COURSE this was my fault. I was the one ‘ruining the marriage.’ Was I perfect? No. Absolutely not. I have no doubt I made mistakes and screwed things up too. But I had been willing to try to fix things with my spouse. Do I see this amongst my consults and clients? Heck. Yes. They will have begged with their spouse to go to marriage counseling. After a flat out refusal, or maybe if they’re lucky, a lukewarm attempt with a session or two, they are back in the same marriage cycle. They will have pleaded with their spouse to work together to fix their marriage, only to find themselves being the only one making the effort. Oftentimes the spouse will try for a week and then hit their limit and fall back into their old behaviors. My belief is that the offending spouse actually WANTS a divorce too but doesn’t want to be ‘The Bad Guy’ or look bad to their family, friends and co-workers by filing. They are protecting their ego by staying married. They would rather drive YOU to the point of filing so YOU can be “The Bad Guy.” I was willing to take the fall for the sake of the rest of my life. Some clients call me ready to go. They get it. This is going to be a cycle. Usually if children are involved it takes longer for them to come to that conclusion because they are concerned about their well-being. Once they acknowledge that the example of a marriage they are setting for their children is toxic and NOT one they would wish on their children, they understand that the next step must be to file for divorce. Others though, not so much. They will call me after YEARS of this cycle. YEARS of begging their spouse to attend therapy. YEARS of feeling humiliated. YEARS of being broken down and desperate. At this point, I like to call this being “Addicted to Saving your Marriage.” It becomes an obsession or addiction like gambling. They put in, figuratively speaking, thousands of dollars into their marriage to only get an occasional $10 or $20 in return. Those $10’s and $20’s spark hope. They get a small amount of attention from their spouse and think, “This is it! They GET it! We are going to make it!” only to be thrust back into the abuse cycle within a few weeks, if that. Perhaps their spouse agrees finally to attend therapy! Hurray! But then after a few sessions the spouse feels attacked (because, you know, they’re being asked to NOT be a jerk) and they refuse to return. Abuse -> Threats of Divorce -> Concession from Spouse -> Hope -> Therapy -> Defensiveness - Another Letdown -> -> -> And so it continues…
If you are in this cycle, you need to understand, this will never stop until one of you dies. I have had 82 year olds call me still in this cycle. If you have given your spouse at least two legit, valid chances to work together to fix your marriage and they have flat out refused, that needs to be your sign that they have ZERO interest in working on your relationship. I know that is painful to hear. I know this hurts. I know this is not what you want. I know you WANT your spouse to change and adjust and WANT to fix things. Not only for you but for your kids. They don’t get it. And it is NOT your job to suffer in hopes they someday have the lightbulb moment where they figure it out. Because they probably won’t. And even if they DO, by then you’ll be so worn down you won’t care anymore. Their efforts will slide off because you’re so exhausted. You won’t love them anymore. You’ll have animosity towards how many YEARS they treated you poorly. You won’t be in a place to receive their love. I know this is not what anyone wants. It’s sad and depressing. It’s not the love story you thought you had when you met them. It’s not the ‘Til Death Do We Part” that we are promised. It’s hard to see it but it’s better to get out while you’re ahead. BEFORE the animosity is too strong between you two. To divorce and move on while you two can still be civil, perhaps even gracious towards one other. Before you have an affair out of desperation for love. While you can agree to co-parent WELL together and not dig in your heels out of hatred for each other. Speaking of affairs, while I never judge my clients if they let me know they are having one, I will tell you, it makes the divorce SO much more complicated. Not only are you balancing a huge mix of emotions, you also risk your spouse finding out about your new lover. That’s not really a problem in the sense of the legal proceedings (more on that another time) but what it DOES do is it gives your spouse a target of hatred if they do find out. They can RAGE about your new lover and too often they’ll tell the kids about it. And then the kids are hurt and mad that you did this. The divorce appears like it’s happening for a frivolous reason: simply for the affair, rather than the REAL reason and that’s the years of abuse. I know you want love and to feel attractive and to feel cared for. If you can hold off on meeting someone I would encourage you to do that. It will over complicate an already stressful and complicated life event. All of this to say, I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve helped my clients through it. I’ve heard it ALL. I love watching my clients go from scared and depressed to empowered, free and happy. I hope this gives you something to think about. You are not alone in how you feel. I've been there and there are thousands of people feeling like this. Do you want this to be the rest of your life? XO Katie So, what exactly DOES a Divorce Coach do?? I get asked this all the time, especially when I meet someone new. It’s usually accompanied by nervous laughter or jokes about spouses maybe already being in touch with me. I decided to become a Certified Divorce Coach after not only going through my own divorce, but after years of helping friends and acquaintances though theirs. It got to the point where I was attending attorney meetings with them to help make sense of the process and get forward momentum. This was all done fairly casually and went well because I’m good at staying organized and helping people stay on task. At one point I had a revelation though. There are Wedding Planners that help plan a single day, why are there not Divorce planners to help manage a MUCH larger life event? So I looked into it and sure enough, there are Divorce Planners! They just generally are called Divorce Coaches, although I’ve been referred to as all sorts of things! A favorite is Divorce Counselor although I’m quick to correct. I’m not a therapist and I don’t pretend to be one. I’ve also been called a Divorce Doula which is also quite fitting since a Doula is hired to provide support through the birth of a child, but not actually deliver the child. Some people have called me a Divorce Guide or Divorce Strategist. These are all great ways to describe what I do but I prefer Divorce Coach. The biggest reason is that I am here to COACH my clients! I don’t just tell them what to do. We talk about what they need for their unique divorce journey. Every single divorce is different and each of my clients has different needs, goals and wants through the process.
I’ve worked with people who divorce with no children. They have very unique needs and emotions. I’ve worked with people who are divorcing someone who is terminally ill. I’ve coached clients who are divorcing someone who is a Serial Cheater. I’ve worked with clients who are divorcing with their own mental illness.
There are so many variables in the divorce process! Even location makes a huge difference sometimes! While I live in Central Illinois and 60% of my clients have hired me because I am a Divorce Coach in Illinois, I have a good number of clients in other states. My Certification allows me to be a Divorce Coach anywhere in the United States and it’s such an interesting part of my job to see how Divorce is similar but different across state borders. I’ve found that often the processes are the same but the terminology is slightly different. But what does it look like to work with me? After our Initial Free Consult, I have a Client Coach Agreement that needs to be completed as well as the Coaching Fee. I charge a flat rate for my services because I feel strongly that my clients who are navigating the divorce process need something in their life they can count on. I don’t ever want them to be afraid to contact me because it will cost more money! Once the Client Coach Agreement is signed and the Fee is paid, we schedule our first call or meeting. I generally work with clients over the phone but will meet in person at my office in Morton if they prefer. This first meeting often takes about an hour. We go over the different paths to divorce and determine which path they prefer based on the different options. From there, we talk about the professionals that can help them. I have a few favorite family law attorneys that I love to refer my clients to but they don’t have to use them. If my clients live somewhere where I don’t have a personal connection to a divorce lawyer, then we talk about best practices in hiring a lawyer that will work for them, and work for them well. A lot of people are intimidated by lawyers! I get it. They’re well educated, busy and expensive. I empower my clients to understand the divorce process and learn how to hire the best divorce lawyer for their situation. Once they have hired a professional, we talk about what’s next. We plan out a conversation for them to have with their spouse, especially if it’s going to be a surprise. We want this to go well! My goal for my clients is for them to have the most peaceful and gentle divorce possible. Is everyone going to be sitting around a bonfire singing Kumbaya afterward? Probably not. But if we can avoid World War III so everyone can co-parent peacefully if there are children involved and each person can get on with their life then that’s a win. From there, I like to call it a Choose Your Own Adventure! I’m with my divorce clients every step of the way. They can text me anytime (although I won’t respond if I’m sleeping of course!) But they have full access to me the entire time. I’ve never had anyone take advantage of this and I feel confident that my clients are getting the best service they can from me. We schedule longer calls when Mediation is coming up or perhaps a meeting with a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem), although very few of my clients end up in that scenario. Why? Because I help keep tension low and set expectations. In fact, I’ve only had one client end up in a GAL office, and that person didn’t communicate well with me. That’s my Number One expectation of my clients. I NEED them to tell me what is going on if I don’t know, then I can’t help. I am positive I could have kept them out of the GAL if they had updated me more along the way. I just texted with a past client yesterday. She told me that, along with a job change, she has had the greatest year she has had in ages since her divorce. She’s lived a very full life with having the chance to live in Europe even but she said her heart has never felt better. I remember when she called me and was completely torn and hurting. Depressed, stressed, angry and sad. I see pictures of her social media now and she is bright and shining and full of joy. It’s like a blanket being lifted off that you didn’t realize you were wearing once you get to the other side of a divorce. I'd love to talk with you about your needs, desires and goals for your divorce. Look at my calendar below and we'll take 30 minutes to Focus Forward on YOUR life! xo Katie Happy (almost) Easter! What a month I had! Here's a recap of my month. I did this in January and think it's fun. Let me know if you like it and I'll try to keep it up! One Win: This was an emotional, big change! Some of you may know that I started Eli’s Coffee Shop when I was 24. This had been a ‘retirement dream’ from the time I was 16. But, when I was 24, the PERFECT building for it came up for sale in Morton, Illinois and I jumped on the opportunity. At the time I was working a full time, VERY busy job as a loan officer during the mortgage boom of the early 2000’s. I was already working 50+ hours a week at that. For about 18 months I did both; my day job and also starting and running this new busy coffee shop. I was married to my first husband at the time and I firmly believe that opening Eli’s was the final straw that led to our divorce. It brought all of our struggles and issues to the surface to rear their ugly head. Needless to say, it was an incredibly stressful time but I’m still so, so thankful my 25 year old self went through those challenges. Eli’s ended up being really successful. It’s not often small businesses, let alone food based businesses, make it for more than a few years. It is HARD. Margins are low, you’re relying on lots of (usually) young employees that you need to mentor and it’s a lot of long hours. I had wonderful employees but many of them were still teenagers with big emotions and learning to do. One employee in particular, Rachel, was whip smart and although she was valedictorian of her high school class and in college, just kept coming back to work for us. By this time we had our son Finn and I was REALLY struggling to do it all. He was super active and I didn’t make enough to justify daycare, nor did I want to go that route with him. I was trying to be a stay at home mom while also running Eli’s. I was exhausted. Finally the conversation opened up between Rachel and I about her and her husband purchasing the business. This was the best case scenario. She knew the business really well after being there for so long and was motivated to take it to the next level. Over the next couple of years, they bought the business from us so I could step back. They’ve been running it now for about nine years and it’s so exciting to see it growing and thriving! This entire time though we still owned the building that the original location was in at 205 W Jefferson St in Morton. It’s just the sweetest house, built in 1860. Cozy and cute with tons of character. Last year though they approached us about purchasing the building to make some major renovations. The selling process took a super long time due to their busy schedule and banks being really backed up but finally, this March 15th, we finally closed on the sale. I was pretty emotional at the beginning when we first signed the sales contract to begin the process but over the past few months have grown very comfortable with it. It’s nice to finally have that full separation and just be able to enjoy Eli’s for what it is: a wonderful coffee shop in a small town. Eli’s changed the way Morton’s downtown looks and the entire vibe. When I decided to open it, we were definitely on the outskirts of downtown. Nobody really went down Jefferson street for any purpose. Now, it’s lined with other businesses and a new multi-use development. It’s vibrant and looks completely different. I have a lot of pride in what I did, taking that big leap and risk and working as hard as I did, but it’s nice to close that chapter and enjoy the fond memories. A Quote I’m Pondering: “What would I do if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” When I opened Eli’s I found this quote on a small, tin sign and hung it in the restroom. I felt it was so fitting. I knew that the answer for me was “open a cute coffee shop.” As I have moved on from that I have found myself asking that question again and again. I’ve done this from time to time in my life and of course did it when I decided to come a Certified Divorce Coach. It’s such a great way to align our motives. For example, if I asked myself today, “would I run a marathon if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” and I have to say, the answer is a resounding “No.” That does not interest me. “Would I climb Mount Everest if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” Again, nope. “Would I homeschool my kids if I knew I wouldn’t fail?” No. I think it’s a great question to ask ourselves to check if we are having a fleeting, random idea or if it’s a deeply rooted goal of ours. It also gets us thinking about what success, or NOT failing at a goal looks like to us. I made LOADS of mistakes with Eli’s. Hundreds. Too many to count. In the beginning I didn’t understand how it worked to use suppliers for items and I spent hours at the grocery store and running back and forth. Many times I underestimated how much some of my employees needed me to be their role model and as a substitute parent, although frankly I did not have the extra energy usually and not sure I would have been able to even if I had realized it then. But what if every time I made a mistake I gave up? What if I quit? Failure of Eli’s didn’t look like small mistakes to me because I had a strong vision in mind of what success looked like to me and I didn’t let the hiccups get in the way. I ask this same question during my free consults. “What results do you want the most?” “What does success look like to you? It’s easy to give up during the process. It’s easy to get frustrated with the small hurdles and hiccups and wonder if it was just easier to not have ripped off the proverbial band-aid in the first place. Do you have any goals or dreams nudging you? Ask yourself this question. Send a message to me. I'd love to hear about it! What I’m doing when I'm not hiking: My sister recently organized a small book club of professional women and I love the structure. I’ve been part of book clubs before but they always meet at night and usually involve a lot of wine. We’re meeting over lunch and everyone has to get back to work so the drinking will be zero or kept to a minimum I’m sure. Our first book is Happiness Falls and we actually will meet today to talk about it. I’d probably rate it a 7 on a 10 point scale. Not sure I’d recommend it out but it is captivating and I actually learned a lot about people who are non-verbal. I tried really hard to read the Sand County Almanac. I wanted to love this book. I’m a big naturalist and this book is referred to so many times by other authors and nature lovers. But I just couldn’t get into the rhythm of it. I finally stopped at about 85% and returned it. Our next book is Cloistered which I heard about on NPR. It’s the true story of a lady who joined a convent after her father died but then left after a decade or so. I’m anxious to hear about her experience with two contrasting lives! What are you reading right now? I’m always looking for good books to add to my rotation! Leave a comment and I'll check it out! Personal Note: Speaking of convents, my husband and I have started a new passion project (how’s that for a transition??) We don’t currently attend a place of worship but for a few years now I’ve been curious what it would look like to attend a different place each week and blog about it. I mentioned this to Ben around the New Year when we did our modified, joint vision board. My problem was that I hated to leave my family every Sunday morning to do this. He encouraged me to try it for a month and see how it goes, which felt attainable. A few days later though he told me he’d like to join me and wondered how I’d feel about doing it as a podcast. I had not even considered that idea because of the technology side of things but loved it! So, we now have ‘Branches of Faith’ where we visit a different place of worship each week (usually) and talk about it. We have interviewed a few church leaders and hope to do more. We’ve hit a few snags with illnesses, travel and one lost episode but love the direction we are going with this. If you check it out, let me know! And if you have a place of worship you think we should definitely visit, please send leave a comment and I’ll add it to our list! Client Review: “I am so, so thankful for a friend’s referral to Katie! I felt I had a pretty good grasp on the divorce process but did not trust my ex enough to not throw some curveballs. I hired Katie to be another set of eyes and ears, to reassure me that I was not overlooking anything. She ended up exceeding this expectation! She gently nudged and kept me on task. She suggested other options to consider when I was uncertain. She provided recommendations for great, local resources. She listened through my tears, my frustrations, and my worries! She was so easy to work with and to talk to! She has been a true blessing and calm through the end of my (marriage) storm!”
I’ve been really busy this year with new clients and I finally got my course moved over to be hosted completely on my website! I’m pretty proud of all of this because of the tech side of things and I think it’s pretty slick. My course is such a reasonable way for men and women to understand the divorce process if they need information BEFORE they make a decision to divorce or if they need a much more budget friendly way to work with me. I know a lot of times people are nervous to start the divorce process because they don’t know what’s ahead or what to expect. But it also feels scary and expensive to meet with a lawyer to ask questions. It just makes it so much more ‘official.’ Or they don’t know what to ask of the lawyer. Or they don’t have the money to even pay for a consultation. My course is only $99 and goes over EVERYTHING. That way anyone who is thinking about divorce can have a clear picture of what the divorce path looks like in a confidential, budget friendly way. Even though I’m located in Central Illinois, I still have clients all over the country. It’s so fun to see where people live that find me, and once they do, I end up with a pod of referrals (Bismarck, North Dakota, I’m looking at you!) It’s such a cool experience to then be connected to lawyers, therapists and mediators in an area that I’ve never even visited, although I'm hoping to plan a stop on a summer road trip this year! Well, that’s it for March! Thanks for reading and leave a comment to let me know what you've been up to! I always love hearing from people who read my blog! XO Katie "I notice we are envious of people who are already doing what we are made to do. If we use our envy as a sort of arrow pointing us toward our destiny, that is a beautiful thing" ~Glennon Doyle I remember the profound envy I felt during my first marriage. We were the first of our friend group to get married but many of them were in long term relationships. There was just something different about them in the way they spoke to each other. Something different in the admiration they seemed to have for each other. There was a sense of awe for the other person, it seemed. I remember feeling so much envy for other couples who looked natural, comfortable and confident. In Love, for real. I always just felt like I was a disappointment or embarrassment to my ex husband. Like I was just in the way of his success. At first I didn’t really understand the feeling and what it was telling me. It was confusing as I was young and my husband at the time was smart, hard working, came from a good family and was a decent person in the eyes of society. So what was wrong with ME, I wondered, that I felt this? But as the failure of my marriage progressed, I realized that the envy was telling me something. It was leading me to see that what my marriage was, was not what was best for me OR for him. The envy was like a guiding light, a beacon of inspiration. I knew that if I couldn’t have THAT kind of marriage that I saw with our friends, then I didn’t want to be married. There’s a difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is the feeling of desiring something that someone else has or is. Jealousy is a protective feeling. If I were a jealous wife, I’d be feeling worried that someone else was interested in my husband, or that he was interested in another woman. If I were a jealous friend, I’d be nervous that my best friend would betray me and not invite me to an outing with other friends. Can envy be bad? Of course. If I was envious of every new car on the market and it pushed me to go into debt to always have the latest model, then it’s a toxic envy. If I was envious of my daughter’s classmates for being good at soccer so I pushed her hard into it despite her hating the sport, that would be a toxic envy. A good, motivating envy will push us to improve ourselves or our lifestyles. I’m currently envious of my husband who has somehow been able to avoid sugars since the new year. Me? Not so much. He told me the other day he’s lost 10 pounds just by doing that. Meanwhile I enjoyed a few scoops of cookie dough today while I hid from my kids and now I’m feeling chubby. I’m envious of my friend Francie who has worked so hard to understand SEO and website design and is just SO darn good at it! I’m trying but it’s hard. Motivating envy improves us and helps us rise up to the best version of ourselves, both for us and for others. Another example is my friend Leanne. She is an amazing Curriculum Director at a large public school district in our area. She works SO hard for her schools and the teachers she helps. But when she gets home, she shuts it all off and is 100% Mom to her three energetic and busy boys. I am motivated by that. I am not good at shutting everything off at home and being 100% focused on my kids but I use her example, and my envy of her abilities, to motivate me. In relationships, we can easily toe the line of dangerous envy. When our motivations are delusional, or we have expectations of perfection of OTHERS it becomes dangerous. An example of this is the idea of Prince Charming. Modern society has developed a story that young women will meet their Prince Charming. And maybe they do…when they’re 25. But what happens when Prince Charming starts balding prematurely or puts on 20 pounds because he’s working so hard to support his family he has no time to exercise anymore? Suddenly, he’s not so much Prince Charming, but he’s more like the Frog that begs for a kiss. When we start to edge into this territory we need to ask ourselves some serious questions about our priorities and values. This is the perfect time to seek out a good therapist to help work through these feelings. That being said, if Prince Charming turned Frog has also become angry, narcissistic and gaslights you, then the superficial changes are minor details and you DO have a valid case for exploring the motivating envy of your friend who has a spouse who adores and supports her. The envy I felt during my first marriage was like a veil being lifted at what a marriage should be and what it shouldn’t. Going into marriage, all we really have is our parents as examples. While my parents never fought, their marriage was one more of practicality and cohabitating. This seemed to be where I found myself in my marriage. There were also healthy amounts of jealousy, frustration and ego involved in my first marriage. This is what I didn’t see in other marriages and made me realize that I could not allow this to be the story for my life. And so, the envy pushed me through. I used that envy as my guide. Interestingly enough, I have not for one moment ever felt that envy since I met Ben. My viewpoint has changed. If I can’t have THIS marriage, then I don’t want to be married. I encourage you to not stifle your envy as something bad. If you are part of a conservative religious community, you may be told otherwise. You may be told that you need to die to your dreams, your desires, your wants, your goals and your plans. I do not subscribe to that belief structure. You may be told that envy is the work of Satan. In my opinion, this is akin to religious abuse. In the face of financial, emotional or physical abuse, this is a means of control and gaslighting you into believing your life doesn’t matter. If you need help finding a good therapist to work through any of these issues, please reach out to me. If you're local to me, I have a virtual rolodex of amazing therapists. If you're not, we can talk about what it looks like to hire one. Or, if you know that you are ready to begin thinking about filing for divorce, let’s talk. XO Katie Happy St Patrick’s Day! I always love this simple holiday. It feels like the very beginning of Spring with Easter just around the corner. I don’t have to buy gifts or plan surprises. We just get to wear green and eat corned beef. In our case, I didn’t even have to make it this year! We went to our dear friends’ home last night. The husband made it and even brined it himself! That’s some next level cooking! It was delicious and relaxing. We got really lucky with these friends; we all enjoy each other’s company. The wife (Leanne) and I are the best of friends, and her husband Andy and my husband Ben have so much in common and get along really well. Their kids and ours are similar in age. Our oldest boys met at Peoria Montessori preschool when they were 3 ½ and we’ve been inseparable ever since! I know friendships like that are super rare and I don’t take it for granted. Our family just got back from a whirlwind trip to New York City. We had another friend who is an orchestra conductor and she was invited to perform there! We are so proud of her and to think she lives in our tiny little midwestern town is just amazing! We spent four nights there and stayed in a hotel near Central park which was super convenient to almost all of the sights and activities we wanted to fit in. We ate some incredible food but luckily walked it off: 8 miles a day on average! We haven’t traveled much with our kids yet other than to Door County, Wisconsin, so it was fun to change it up and visit a place so wildly different from where we are used to. I’m eager to get back into the swing of things with my clients and normal routine. Between traveling and before that, sick kids, I feel like I haven’t gotten a full week of work. I have one more week before our kids are on Spring break so I have a lot to pack in this week! I had a client message me this week that her divorce was finalized. It took less than three months and $3,000! I can’t tell you how much I love getting messages like that! Considering parenting plans, divisions of assets and all the emotions, these are such great success stories. What’s even better, is she did it without cutting corners. She had an attorney. She went through the process thoughtfully and carefully. But she was able to do it without diving into the drama that can seem to want to seep into the divorce process.
Clients often ask me, usually at the very beginning when emotions are super high, about the trial that they believe will inevitably ensue. I usually giggle because it’s such a common question and also such a rare occurrence for my clients. I’ve only had one client end up in trial and they had hired their lawyer before they hired me. The questions are pretty funny now that I have been a Certified Divorce Coach for over four years. “Is the divorce trial open to the public?” “Do I need to have witnesses about how my husband treated me?” “Can I print off text messages from my wife to show the judge how awful she was?” HOLD ON. Let’s slow down a bit. This is where I love to talk about how Real Divorce is not TV Divorce. This is not Judge Judy. It’s honestly pretty rare that a divorce ends up at trial. If your divorce ends up in trial, someone is being completely unreasonable and/or has an attorney who is terrible. This could be either party. You might be totally level headed with a calm, intelligent, emotionally responsive attorney but your spouse could have hired the devil’s brother for their attorney. There are so many steps that happen BEFORE even considering a trial. Also, there are a lot of CMC’s (case management conferences) which a lot of people THINK are trials. These are not trials. These are chances for the judge to hear how the divorce process is going and to help move everyone along. It also helps the divorce court judge to know if someone IS being unreasonable and call them or their attorney out for it. This is also often when a court ordered mediator or GAL (guardian ad litem) will be ordered. While I’d love for all of my clients to avoid even getting to those steps, and they often do, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Mediators and GALs can help bring reason and logic to the table when it feels like all is lost. Yes, I know there are some terrible mediators and GALs. I know they don’t always agree with us. I know there are some that really seem to take sides. But I think the majority are good and are trying to help everyone move forward. It’s hard in the beginning for people to see this, but by working with me, I often can coach both my client and their spouses by simply working with my client. But how?? No, I’m not a mediator. And no, I don’t talk to my client’s spouses. I help my clients rise up. We talk through their relationship. What motivates them and their spouse? What triggers each of them? What ways do they work well together? What are hot buttons to avoid? Working through this we create a strategy to help them invite their spouse to work TOGETHER on the divorce. What actions can be taken so both people ‘win’ when it’s all over? What are everyone’s goals for the future? And if you DO end up in mediation or with a GAL, I coach you on how to make the most of those opportunities and how to not screw it up! When we do this, AND my clients take effective action, we avoid the trial stage. My clients get through their divorce well, inexpensively and have a positive co-parenting relationship with their ex. I love this. Nothing makes me happier than knowing my clients go through one of the worst life experiences with grace and dignity, without spending a fortune. XO Katie Well, Hello again! I think our family is FINALLY done passing sickness around. Have you had to deal with that too? I feel like someone has been sick since the New Year and I’m glad we’re on the other side of it (hopefully!) We have some exciting things planned for the next couple of weeks that I’ll share about more once they’re complete. For now I’m working hard to get ahead on some projects. I'm also excited to see signs of Spring in my garden again. Gardening is one of my favorite self-indulgences and best therapy in my opinion! You may remember last fall I launched my divorce course “Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity.” It was a massive undertaking! I’m so glad to have it out there in the universe for anyone who wants a quick, straightforward and inexpensive guide to the divorce process. It’s perfect for someone who needs to divorce on a budget especially! I cover all of the topics that you could possibly need with the exception of how to talk to your spouse about divorce. I hope to record a video on that topic soon that not only will be added to the course, but available for anyone who needs it. I’m thinking about hosting it on YouTube with a link from my website. All of this tech side of running a business is not normally in my wheelhouse but I think I’m getting better at it! Up until now I’ve hosted my course on Thinkific but I’m making the transition to host it privately. If you have already purchased it on Thinkific, or still want to, you'll still have full access to it wherever it gets transitioned to. It will either be passcoded on my website or it will be a Google Folder download. I’d love any suggestions you might have on that for me! I’ve also been considering creating a men’s divorce support group or workshop just to help men through the divorce process. The majority of my clients are women and personally I think it’s because men sometimes have trouble asking for help. The men that do work with me are amazing! La creme de la creme of gentlemen! They are men who are empathetic, want the best for their wives and kids, work hard and have a goal to keep improving themselves. I know there are more guys like that out there and I hope to reach them. I think so often men feel alone during divorce. Divorce brings about a lot of shame for men and embarrassment. They put their head down and pretend it’s not happening. They leave it all for their attorney to manage when they really can take a much more proactive approach to divorce. I love working with men who want to divorce well so they can be empowered to do so! I think getting a focused support group together just for those men would be amazing and powerful. And speaking of that, I’d love to talk a bit about how to not take sides during a divorce. We’ve all been there. We have a couple where each person is friends with both us and our partner. They suddenly announce they are divorcing and we feel caught in between. More often than not, we tend to back away and try to not get involved. In doing so, we alienate them when they need us the most. It feels impossible, doesn’t it? How can we support our friends who are divorcing while also not taking sides? It's so easy to fall into #teamwife and #teamhusband squads as our friends divorce, but I assure you, you do not know the whole story. You're getting a washed down version based on the perception of the spouse to whom you are closest. Meanwhile, your spouse might very well be getting a completely DIFFERENT version from the other partner! Don’t be surprised if this causes arguments between the two of you even! I can speak to this from two angles: someone who has been divorced (and witnessed the friend migration) and someone who has had friends and acquaintances divorce. From my first perspective, it's so painful to come off of losing your spouse, your in-laws, your dreamed-of future, your home and now....your friends have left too??? I distinctly remember the feeling that many friends and even some of my extended family took the ‘side’ of my ex-husband. All they knew was that I had filed for divorce from him and that was enough to give the benefit of the doubt that he was the victim. Not only was I navigating a painful, traumatic divorce, I was having to find a new set of friends that I could trust and enjoy spending time with. I felt like I had to prove my worthiness to people that knew me. That I had to explain myself. That I was constantly being judged. All while grieving what I had lost. I was exhausted and emotionally drained. From my second perspective, if we have friends that are going through a divorce, I still actively have to remind myself their divorce is not my story and I don't know what their lives were really like. Sure, I knew them both and we enjoyed their company. Of those that have had children, they both seemed like good parents. They were always polite to each other. So how could they possibly be getting a divorce??? WHO is at fault???? As humans we often need to find fault to justify an action that bothers us. Surely someone must have messed up. We feel uncomfortable at other people’s hardships and struggles and it helps us manage our discomfort to place blame on someone or something, whether it’s valid or not. It helps us sleep at night and be okay. But. We need to stop doing that. Please be nice. In your mind you can disagree with how you THINK (yes, emphasis on ‘think’) they behaved in the marriage (remember, you weren't there!) but you can still be kind. Please still make room for them at the table. Literally, invite them to sit with you. Please still talk to them at school pickup. Please still invite them over when it's their weekend to have the kids. Especially invite them over when it’s their weekend WITHOUT the kids. Please still offer them encouragement and acceptance. From their perspective, they are going through something equally hard as the spouse you are closer to. The more well loved, supported and cared for each person going through a divorce feels, the better for the entire family. When someone going through a divorce feels supported by their friends and family they often are more willing to amicably divorce and move on with their lives. They’re not as fearful of the future. They don’t dig their heels in as much to make life difficult for their ex-spouse because they have a more positive outlook on their future. You aren’t being unfaithful to your friend by being kind to their STBX. You’re helping support them so they can be the best version of themselves for your friend and any children they have. XO Katie I’ve been a Certified Divorce Coach for over four years now and I STILL cringe when someone says they “want to hire a bulldog attorney” or “I need an attorney that is a SHARK!” No. You don’t. I love talking my clients off this ledge and helping them see that in the end, they are glad they chose a more peaceful route. Divorce is too often portrayed as a battleground, with bitter disputes and emotional turmoil. I like to call it “TV Divorce.” But really, it doesn't have to be that way. In recent years, the concept of amicable divorce has gained traction, offering couples a more peaceful and collaborative way to end their marriage. So let’s talk about and explore what it means to divorce amicably, the benefits it offers, and practical tips for navigating this journey with grace and respect. Understanding Amicable Divorce: Amicable divorce is a process where separating couples strive to dissolve their marriage with minimal conflict and animosity. It involves open communication, cooperation, and mutual respect. Instead of viewing each other as adversaries, spouses approach the divorce as partners in a shared goal: to end the marriage in a way that is fair, respectful, and beneficial for both parties, especially if there are children involved. Benefits of Amicable Divorce: 1. Emotional Well-being: Amicable divorce prioritizes emotional well-being by reducing stress, anxiety, and hostility. Instead of dwelling on grievances and fueling resentment, couples focus on finding constructive solutions and moving forward with their lives. 2. Cost-effectiveness: Traditional divorces can be financially draining due to legal fees, court costs, and prolonged disputes. Amicable divorce tends to be more cost-effective since it minimizes legal battles and allows couples to reach agreements outside of court. 3. Preservation of Relationships: Amicable divorce aims to preserve positive relationships, especially when there are children involved. By maintaining civility and cooperation, parents can continue to co-parent effectively and support their children's well-being. 4. Control and Autonomy: Rather than leaving critical decisions in the hands of a judge, amicable divorce empowers couples to retain control over the outcome. They have the flexibility to negotiate terms that are tailored to their unique circumstances and priorities. 5. Faster Resolution: Resolving issues amicably can expedite the divorce process, allowing couples to move on with their lives sooner rather than later. This can be particularly beneficial for those eager to start anew and minimize disruptions to their daily lives. Tips for Achieving an Amicable Divorce: 1. Prioritize Communication: Effective communication is essential for navigating an amicable divorce. Keep lines of communication open, express your needs and concerns honestly, and listen attentively to your spouse's perspective. Avoiding blame and practicing active listening can foster understanding and cooperation. 2. Focus on the Big Picture: During divorce negotiations, it's easy to get caught up in minor details or past grievances. Instead, focus on the bigger picture and long-term goals. Ask yourself what matters most in the grand scheme of things and be willing to compromise on less significant issues. 3. Seek Professional Guidance: While amicable divorce emphasizes cooperation, it's still advisable to seek professional guidance from a divorce coach, mediator, lawyer, and therapists. These professionals can provide valuable insights, facilitate negotiations, and ensure that your rights and interests are protected throughout the process. 4. Keep Children's Interests in Mind: If children are involved, prioritize their well-being and minimize the impact of the divorce on their lives. Maintain a united front as co-parents, encourage open communication with your children, and reassure them of your love and support. 5. Practice Self-care: Divorce can be emotionally taxing, so prioritize self-care throughout the process. Take time to rest, engage in activities that bring you joy, and seek support from friends, family, or support groups. Prioritizing your mental and emotional well-being will enable you to navigate the divorce process more effectively. 6. Be Flexible and Open-minded: Flexibility is key to reaching mutually beneficial agreements. Be willing to consider alternative solutions, adapt to changing circumstances, and approach negotiations with an open mind. Remember that compromise is often necessary to achieve a satisfactory outcome for both parties. 7. Focus on the Future: While it's natural to dwell on the past during a divorce, it's essential to focus on the future. Set realistic goals, envision the life you want to build post-divorce, and take proactive steps towards realizing your aspirations. By focusing on the possibilities that lie ahead, you can approach the divorce process with optimism and resilience. Divorce is undoubtedly a challenging and emotional experience, but it doesn't have to always mean there will be conflict and acrimony. Amicable divorce offers couples a more peaceful and collaborative alternative, allowing them to dissolve their marriage with dignity, respect, and mutual understanding. By prioritizing communication, cooperation, and compromise, couples can navigate the divorce process with grace and emerge ready to embrace the next chapter of their lives. I'd love to help you work through this process and be your Trail Guide along the way! Send a message to me to learn more! xo Kate Going through a divorce in a Small Town is like.... Amiright? Been There, Done That. One question I get when I first talk with a potential client that still surprises me is "Do you keep our conversations confidential? Is Divorce Coaching confidential?” YES. 10000% YES. I get it. I make my life in Small Town, USA (AKA Peoria, Illinois.) Everyone knows everyone and if they don't, they know someone else who does. Considering that I live in Central Illinois, this question shouldn't surprise me…yet it always does. It surprises me because of how seriously I take your confidentiality and trust in me. I honor your privacy with the greatest intentionality. In my mind, privacy comes first and the process comes next. When you work with me I have the policy that I will only acknowledge, if I'm even asked, that "I know of you" if your name happens to come up in conversation. If I see you in public I'll wave back or say "Hi" ONLY if you greet me first. I even go so far as to only scribble basic notes without your name attached to anything. I file them where I can refer back but no one else could ever decipher and connect them to you. (Also for the record, my husband who formerly taught middle school English tells me my handwriting is worse than a 7th grade boy's, so there's that factor too). I have no doubt you already have enough unwanted onlookers. My promise to you, as your Certified Divorce Coach, is that I will do everything in my power to protect your privacy. Personally speaking, I remember how it was during my divorce. I remember that I had a trip planned to visit a college friend and his new girlfriend. The friend had been a mutual friend of my ex-husband’s and mine, but I had stayed more in touch with him. It was NOT a romantic relationship in the slightest. More of a ‘he’s kind of like a lovable but sometimes annoying older brother.” I needed a vacation. Remember, I was working 50-60 hour weeks at my job as a mortgage loan officer at a local bank during the wildly busy mortgage boom of the early 2000’s. I also was opening my new coffee shop, Eli’s Coffee Shop, in Morton, Il at the time. I was stressed, overworked and desperately needed a vacation. This seemed perfect. Money was tight for me after the divorce so I could stay with him and his girlfriend for free and was really excited to finally have something planned. I went on the trip and enjoyed myself. I met some of their friends, relaxed and had a nice time away. I went home rejuvenated and ready to get back to work. And then I heard the rumor. Or rather, RUMORS. Plural. The rumor was “Katie flew back to Colorado to reignite an old relationship.” “Katie tried to see if there was anything between her and their friend but he turned her down and she came home disappointed.” “Katie came home from Colorado rejected.” WHAT. How did that even happen? I think I know how it happened and someone near and dear to me was in the middle of it. It involved a local Bible study, a relative and a connection to my ex husband’s new girlfriend’s mom (say that 10 times fast!) Essentially, a recipe for disaster in the divorce world. I was stung by the unfairness of this group of ladies who were gossiping about me. The ultimate game of telephone as adults. I knew then and there that I never wanted to be part of something like that. Another scenario I was out with a group of ladies. I really only knew one of them. The rest were her extended friends. At one point it came up that I was going through a divorce. One of the ladies was horrified, even though we had just met. She spent the next 20 minutes lecturing me on why I should NOT get a divorce and why ‘you should try harder to save your marriage.’ I had never met this woman before in my life and she knew nothing about my marriage. But she had all the opinions. It’s a lot, you guys. I’ve lived it and I know what you’re worried about going through. I pride myself on confidentially helping my clients understand the divorce process. The last thing anyone needs is one more person to gossip about them and spread false rumors. XO Kate |
About Katie VAndenBergKatie makes her life surrounded by river valleys and surprisingly beautiful cornfields. Her days are spent helping her divorce clients, working with her tenants, spending time on her pottery wheel and loving her family. Archives
April 2024
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