What To do before you file for divorce

Well, Hello again!  It’s been a couple months since I’ve written in this space. The end of summer was busy but sweet for our family.  Our son went to a three week long summer camp and upon returning it was a dash to get ready for school to start. Our daughter enjoyed every last drop of summer break swimming at the lake with her friends.  While I love the easy-ness of summer, I’m always ready for the rhythm and routine of the school year to start back up!  
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As soon as school started my consultation calendar started filling up.  It makes sense that people want to wait for certain seasons to be over before embarking on filing for divorce.  It’s hard to find the brain space and emotional capacity to even begin to learn about how to file for divorce, child custody laws, spousal support or dividing assets during divorce when you’re busy running kids from activity to activity.

Too often, the signs of failing marriage aren’t always noticeable until they are REALLY noticeable.  Emotional distance, indifference to intimacy and constant criticism can be disguised as normal day to day interactions when a couple is busy with work, household chores and children.  It’s a slow fade into more and more of these issues until one day, one partner wakes up and thinks, “how did we get here? I can’t keep living like this!”  While the idea of divorce seems to come out of nowhere, the process has really been percolating for months or years.  

If the question of “should I file for divorce?” is popping up in your head more often than you think it should be, I’d like to offer the following advice:

1. Get counseling.  If your spouse won’t go with you, go on your own. There may be past issues from your childhood that are impacting your marriage. There could be depression or another mental health issue.  Ideally, you and your spouse can go to therapy together, but before you decide to file for divorce, I recommend you get professional counseling in some capacity. 
2. Talk to your doctor.  Sometimes hormonal imbalances in both men and women can cause issues that impact your marriage.  If you just needed a supplement and your marriage could be reinvigorated, wouldn’t that be worth it?  Give it a try!
3. Take a break.  Get an AirBnB for a few weeks.  Encourage your spouse to finally take that trip with a friend they’ve been wanting to do.  Get some space from each other. I know some couples have never been away from each other overnight.  You might be surprised at what a little time away might spark! My husband and I each love taking solo trips and think our marriage is stronger because of them! 
4. Approach your spouse from a place of empathy.  Perhaps THEY have childhood trauma that is impacting their ability to be a good partner or parent.  Perhaps THEY would benefit from therapy. Remember, at one point you both loved each other.  Even though you have grown apart, you can move forward with the next steps with mutual respect.

Before you start into the deep dive of more divorce questions (How to tell kids about divorce? How much does a divorce cost? What are the effects of divorce on children? How long does divorce take?) consider if this really is the RIGHT path for you and your family.  I make every effort to help my clients have an amicable divorce.  I love helping my clients divorce quickly and inexpensively.  But I know that divorce is hard no matter what and if there are issues in your marriage that maybe just need to be addressed I would encourage you to seek that first.  

XO 
Katie

I want to divorce with dignity and clarity!

Katie was kind and professional, empathetic and helpful in guiding me through my divorce. With her knowledge and guidance, it gave me the confidence to work with my ex to be able to navigate an amicable, quick, minimum cost divorce.
It was helpful for me to be able to reach out to her with any questions or concerns. Her referrals, advice and thought provoking questions helped to streamline the process. Working with Katie to learn what my options were, what was typical/normal and how to walk through the divorce was the best decision I made for myself."