Throwing in the towel

"Throwing in the Towel"
"Giving Up on a Good Thing"
"Walking Away from Marriage"
"Marriage is Hard Work… You Just Need to Try Harder!"

All of these phrases get used by people who don’t understand why a couple decides to divorce. As a divorce coach, I often hear these comments from clients whose friends and family are completely blindsided by their decision to separate. It’s already a challenging time for anyone going through divorce, but it becomes even harder when others question or judge your decision.
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Not only are we working through our own emotions during a divorce, but we often find ourselves managing the emotions of those around us—family members, friends, even acquaintances. My clients frequently share that they’re put in the difficult spot of either revealing the private struggles in their marriage to justify their divorce or keeping quiet and facing judgment, because "surely things aren't that bad."

​Even when clients end up choosing to explain, they are often accused of exaggerating or lying. It’s a no-win situation. I deeply wish people outside the marriage would stop insisting on understanding a divorce in such detail. Divorce is hard enough without having to justify it to others.

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Here’s why this is so problematic:

1. It’s None of Their Business

Let’s start with the basics: your divorce is your business. Period.

Just recently, one of my clients shared how their friend group had taken a very toxic stance on the divorce, blocking them on social media and refusing to hear their side of the story. While the divorce had originally been mutual and amicable, the added tension from friends was causing the situation to become hostile. This client’s spouse, who had been reasonable at the start, was now becoming difficult to work with. This will now un-necessarily cost the couple more money in legal fees and time, not to mention, added emotional strain.  All because some, albeit close, outsiders think they need to understand a personal issue between two people.  
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Another personal example: When I was going through my own divorce, I was out with some friends when a woman I had just met learned about my situation. She became wildly upset with me, saying I was making a stupid decision and couldn’t understand why I would get divorced. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and they start lecturing you on one of the most personal and intense decisions of your life! Back then, I felt the need to justify myself. Now, as a divorce coach, I coach my clients to be prepared for this sort of reaction and not feel obligated to explain their deeply personal choices.

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2. Protecting Your Spouse's Image

This is a tough one. Many marriages end due to sensitive issues like addiction (pornography, drugs, alcohol), mental health struggles, or childhood trauma. Even in these cases, people often still care about their spouse and want to protect their image, even if the marriage itself isn’t salvageable.

During my own divorce, a customer at my workplace asked me out of the blue, “Why are you getting a divorce?” I was floored. It was an extremely personal question, and completely inappropriate for a professional setting. Had I revealed the private details of my marriage to him, it could have spread throughout our small town. Instead, I gave a generic answer and quickly changed the subject.

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3. It’s Too Complex to Explain

Some divorces take years or even decades to unfold. Marriages can deteriorate over time, with both partners trying everything from marriage counseling to open relationships, only to find that they simply can’t stay together. These couples may seem happy on the outside, but inside, they’ve reached a point of hopelessness.
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These types of divorces are the hardest for outsiders to understand. “There’s no abuse, so why are they divorcing?” “They still love each other, so why split up?” “They look so happy on Facebook!” But no one really sees the years of struggle, the emotional distance, and the attempts to repair what is broken. To outsiders, it may seem like the couple is "throwing in the towel," but in reality, it’s years of irreparable damage.

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What Can You Do?

If someone you care about is going through a divorce, you don’t need to know all the details. Offer your support by simply saying, “I’m here for you if you need to talk,” and respect their privacy. Helping them in practical ways, like taking them to dinner or helping with errands, can make a world of difference. Divorce is a form of grief, even for those who choose it.
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If you are the one going through a divorce and feel pressured to explain, I recommend using a "grey rock" response to deflect intrusive questions. For example, “Thank you for your concern, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing that.” Having a prepared response can help you maintain your boundaries and avoid being caught off guard.

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Have You Experienced This?

How have you handled intrusive questions about your divorce? Or, have you ever found yourself surprised by someone else’s divorce and felt compelled to understand? Share your thoughts below.

XO- Katie