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“I want a divorce, but my husband doesn’t. He’s happy keeping our unhappy marriage as-is. What if he says ‘no’?”
This is a question I hear a lot during consultations. On this particular call, the woman sounded tired and uncertain. She had been carrying the weight of a high-conflict marriage for years, and the idea of seeking divorce seemed daunting—especially because her husband refused to acknowledge their problems. The question itself reveals a common misconception about divorce: that both spouses need to agree. Many people have absorbed this idea from what I like to call “TV Divorce.” Think of the melodramatic scenes where a controlling spouse tears up divorce papers in a rage or a narcissistic partner smugly declares, "You can’t leave me." These narratives fuel anxiety and reinforce the myth that one person can block a divorce simply by refusing to cooperate. The reality, however, is far less dramatic—and far more empowering. 
Do You Need Your Spouse’s Permission to Divorce?
The answer is no. If you’re in Illinois, like many of my clients, you live in a no-fault divorce state. This means you don’t need to provide specific reasons like infidelity or abuse, nor do you need your spouse’s consent. The law allows you to file for divorce independently. In fact, across all 50 states, one spouse can file for divorce without the other’s agreement. While a few states, like Mississippi, Tennessee, and South Dakota, have additional requirements for no-fault divorces, these don’t mean both spouses must agree—they just require a reason.
States That Require a Cooling Off Period Before Divorce
Certain states also have separation or "cooling-off" periods designed to encourage couples to pause and reflect. While all states allow one spouse to file for divorce without the other's agreement, some require a period of separation or a cooling-off period before the divorce can be finalized. These requirements vary by state and are often designed to give couples time to reflect and consider reconciliation before moving forward. Here are the states with these provisions at the time of writing:
These timelines can feel like an additional hurdle, especially in high-conflict divorces, but they’re often manageable with the right legal and emotional support. A high-conflict divorce coach can help you strategize and stay focused during these waiting periods, ensuring you remain prepared and confident as you work toward your goals. Facing Resistance: Why Some Spouses Say "No"
It’s common for controlling or narcissistic spouses to resist divorce, even when they seem equally miserable in the marriage. Often, it’s not about love or reconciliation—it’s about control. Divorce threatens their carefully curated image or strips away the power they hold over their partner. While we can’t always pinpoint their exact motives, it’s important to remember this: their refusal to “allow” a divorce doesn’t stop you from pursuing it.
Three Ways to Respond When Your Spouse Doesn’t Agree to a Divorce
1. Kind But Firm
This approach works well if your spouse is more hurt than hostile. It acknowledges their feelings while making your stance clear:
“I understand that you are hurt by this. Believe me, this is not the path I expected for our lives either. But here we are. I am willing to move forward peacefully, amicably, and as fairly as possible. I fully intend to file for divorce. With your cooperation, we can both move on with our lives and, if children are involved, co-parent effectively. Let’s work together to come up with an agreement we can both live with and save as much money with attorneys as possible.” This type of response shows empathy but leaves no room for debate about your decision. It can help set the tone for a cooperative divorce process. 2. Stern But Firm
3. Protecting Your Sanity and Safety
If your spouse’s refusal to agree turns hostile or poses a danger to your emotional or physical well-being, your focus must shift to self-protection. In these cases, you don’t owe them an explanation. Instead, prioritize your safety.
You do not have to respond to their objections. If you are at risk of physical harm, get yourself and your children to a safe place. Work with an attorney to file for divorce, and have them served by a process server. You don’t need to be present for this step. Remember, it is not your responsibility to manage their emotions or their response to the divorce papers. This approach acknowledges that in high-conflict or abusive marriages, personal safety comes first. A high-conflict divorce coach or legal professional can guide you through the process while safeguarding your mental and physical well-being. Divorcing a Narcissist
Let me share the story of Susan (name changed for privacy), one of my clients who faced this exact dilemma. Susan had been married for over 20 years to a man who controlled every aspect of her life. When she told him she wanted a divorce, his response was immediate and dismissive:
“You’ll never go through with it. I won’t let you.” Susan felt trapped. His refusal to acknowledge her autonomy mirrored the years of control and manipulation she’d endured. But Susan reached out for help. Through divorce coaching, we explored her options, prepared her for the emotional and legal challenges ahead, and created a strategy to move forward safely. When she filed for divorce, her husband initially ignored the papers, insisting she’d never leave. But the legal system doesn’t allow one spouse to block a divorce, and Susan’s persistence paid off. Today, she’s living independently and rediscovering her sense of self. Her story is a testament to the fact that you don’t need anyone’s permission to reclaim your life.
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