Originally Published January 2024, Updated April 2025
All names are changed to protect client privacy

​Even when someone has mentally prepared for divorce, the emotional rollercoaster remains—from sadness and anger to relief and hope. But among my divorce coaching clients, one situation consistently causes the most frustration and confusion: when an emotionally abusive spouse refuses to file for divorce.

"Why are they making ME do it?" my clients ask in exasperation. "They treat me terribly but won't file."

"My spouse hasn't touched me in years but claims they won't file because of their marriage vows."
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"I've begged them to try marriage counseling, but they refuse—and now that I want a divorce, they're blaming ME for destroying our family."

If you're nodding along, recognizing your own relationship in these words, you're not alone. This pattern is incredibly common in emotionally abusive marriages. As a divorce coach who has guided countless individuals through this exact scenario, I can almost predict the storyline when clients begin describing their situation.

Let's dive into why abusive partners often refuse to file for divorce, even when they seem to despise the relationship.

At its core, an abusive spouse's refusal to file for divorce is about maintaining control. This dynamic has likely been the cornerstone of your relationship for years.

Sarah's Story: One client, Sarah, endured her husband's constant criticism and emotional manipulation for 12 years. When she finally gathered the courage to suggest divorce, he responded with, "If you want to destroy this family, that's on you. I would never do that to our children." Despite making her life miserable daily, he positioned himself as the committed partner and Sarah as the villain.

This is classic abusive behavior. By forcing you to be the one to file, your spouse accomplishes several things:

• Creates a narrative where you're "the bad guy" who abandoned the marriage
• Avoids taking responsibility for the relationship's failure
• Maintains decision-making power by making you take the uncomfortable action
• Sets the stage for playing victim throughout the divorce process
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In emotionally abusive relationships, control isn't just about direct commands; it's about emotional manipulation and shifting responsibility. By refusing to file, your spouse forces you to be the "bad guy" while they maintain their self-image as the committed partner who "tried everything."

Emotionally abusive individuals are often intensely concerned with how others perceive them. Their public image frequently contradicts their private behavior.

The Public/Private Divide: Many abusive partners present themselves as kind, reasonable, and devoted spouses to the outside world. Friends and family might even comment on how lucky you are to have such a "great" partner. Meanwhile, behind closed doors, you experience a completely different person.

When you initiate divorce, they can tell everyone, "I never wanted this. She's the one who filed." This image management:

• Preserves their reputation in your social circles
• Garners sympathy from friends, family, and even sometimes children
• Creates an external validation system that supports their narrative
• Allows them to avoid confronting their abusive behavior
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Many abusive spouses will suddenly become incredibly invested in "saving" the marriage once you mention divorce—not because they want to change or improve the relationship, but because divorce threatens their carefully constructed public persona.

For many emotionally abusive individuals, being rejected is intolerable to their self-image and ego.

The Rejection Paradox: Despite treating you poorly, your abusive spouse likely cannot tolerate the idea that you would choose to leave them. This paradox stems from deep insecurity masked by controlling behavior.

Mark's Experience: One client, Mark, described how his wife belittled him constantly for fifteen years. She criticized his parenting, mocked his career choices, and regularly told him no one else would ever want him. Yet when Mark finally decided to file for divorce, she was genuinely shocked and devastated, telling everyone he had "abandoned her without warning" despite years of expressing his unhappiness.

By refusing to file themselves, abusive partners:

• Avoid feeling rejected or abandoned
• Maintain the illusion that they still have power over your decisions
• Protect themselves from acknowledging their role in the marriage's failure
• Can claim they would have stayed "for better or worse" if given the choice
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This ego protection allows them to rewrite history, painting themselves as the loyal spouse who would have endured anything rather than break their vows.

Understanding these dynamics doesn't make the situation easier emotionally, but it can provide clarity during a confusing time. If you're in this position, here's what you should know:

This Pattern Is Predictable and Common
First and foremost, what you're experiencing isn't unique or your fault. As a divorce coach, I see this exact scenario play out repeatedly. The refusal to file, the blame-shifting when you do file, and the sudden reputation management are all predictable behaviors from emotionally abusive partners.

Their Resistance Confirms Your Decision
Many clients question their decision when their spouse reacts with blame and accusations. Remember: this reaction is further evidence of the emotional manipulation that has characterized your relationship. Their response isn't about love—it's about control.

Healing Begins With Breaking The Pattern
Taking the step to file for divorce when your spouse refuses is often the first move in breaking the cycle of emotional abuse. It's difficult and scary, but my clients consistently report feeling an enormous weight lifted once the process begins.

One client described it perfectly: "It was like a 180-pound dark veil had been covering my entire body for as long as I could remember. Suddenly it was gone, and I wondered why I hadn't removed it sooner."

Prepare For Continued Manipulation
Throughout the divorce process, expect your spouse to continue their controlling behaviors. They may:

• Delay proceedings unnecessarily
• Make unreasonable demands
• Tell distorted stories to friends and family
• Attempt to manipulate your children's perceptions
• Vacillate between threats and sudden kindness to regain control
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Having proper support during this time isn't just helpful—it's essential.

If you recognize your relationship in this post, you're facing a challenging but ultimately liberating journey. Here's what helps my clients successfully navigate this transition:

1. Assemble your support team: Include professionals (divorce coach, therapist, attorney) who understand emotional abuse dynamics
2. Document patterns: Keep records of communications and interactions
3. Establish boundaries: Limit direct communication when possible
4. Focus on self-care: Prioritize your mental and emotional well-being
5. Remember your worth: The messages from your abusive relationship aren't true reflections of your value

The most important thing to remember is that you're not alone. The patterns you've experienced in your marriage and now in the divorce process are common in emotionally abusive relationships. What you're feeling—the confusion, frustration, guilt, and relief—are all normal responses.

​Taking the step to file when your spouse refuses isn't failing at marriage; it's choosing health, respect, and a better future. It's reclaiming your power from someone who has used control and manipulation to diminish you. It's putting a STOP to the lost time and added stress to your life.  

If you're struggling with an emotionally abusive spouse who refuses to file for divorce, I'm here to help. As a divorce coach who specializes in helping clients navigate these exact situations, I offer compassionate guidance through every step of the process.

Schedule a free consultation with me to discuss your specific situation and develop a strategy that protects your wellbeing while achieving your goals. Together, we can transform this challenging transition into the beginning of a healthier, happier chapter in your life.

Remember: filing for divorce when your spouse won't isn't giving up—it's finally standing up for yourself.

Clients come to me unsure of what’s real and what’s not. They KNOW what they want. They are already empowered to help themselves when they contact me for a free consultation.  

They call me to be able to divorce well. They want SO badly to keep their divorces calm and protect their children.  They don’t want to waste money by hiring the wrong lawyer.  They would love to co-parent well, despite the years of abuse.  They want to hold their head high at the local grocery store and not be scared to bump into someone they know.  They know that other people have a skewed interpretation of their marriage.  They still want to protect the image of their spouse to everyone in their community.  

You may not understand it. They may not tell you about the abuse.  But if they do, it’s important to listen. They have been so scared to share their feelings for so long.  They’ve been conditioned by their spouse to think their reality is normal.

XO
​Katie