Weekly Notes from a Divorce Coach Candid writings by Katie VandenBerg about Divorce
|
|
|
“I want a divorce, but my husband doesn’t. He’s happy keeping our unhappy marriage as-is. What if he says ‘no’?”
This is a question I hear a lot during consultations. On this particular call, the woman sounded tired and uncertain. She had been carrying the weight of a high-conflict marriage for years, and the idea of seeking divorce seemed daunting—especially because her husband refused to acknowledge their problems. The question itself reveals a common misconception about divorce: that both spouses need to agree. Many people have absorbed this idea from what I like to call “TV Divorce.” Think of the melodramatic scenes where a controlling spouse tears up divorce papers in a rage or a narcissistic partner smugly declares, "You can’t leave me." These narratives fuel anxiety and reinforce the myth that one person can block a divorce simply by refusing to cooperate. The reality, however, is far less dramatic—and far more empowering. 
Do You Need Your Spouse’s Permission to Divorce?
The answer is no. If you’re in Illinois, like many of my clients, you live in a no-fault divorce state. This means you don’t need to provide specific reasons like infidelity or abuse, nor do you need your spouse’s consent. The law allows you to file for divorce independently. In fact, across all 50 states, one spouse can file for divorce without the other’s agreement. While a few states, like Mississippi, Tennessee, and South Dakota, have additional requirements for no-fault divorces, these don’t mean both spouses must agree—they just require a reason.
States That Require a Cooling Off Period Before Divorce
Certain states also have separation or "cooling-off" periods designed to encourage couples to pause and reflect. While all states allow one spouse to file for divorce without the other's agreement, some require a period of separation or a cooling-off period before the divorce can be finalized. These requirements vary by state and are often designed to give couples time to reflect and consider reconciliation before moving forward. Here are the states with these provisions at the time of writing:
These timelines can feel like an additional hurdle, especially in high-conflict divorces, but they’re often manageable with the right legal and emotional support. A high-conflict divorce coach can help you strategize and stay focused during these waiting periods, ensuring you remain prepared and confident as you work toward your goals. Facing Resistance: Why Some Spouses Say "No"
It’s common for controlling or narcissistic spouses to resist divorce, even when they seem equally miserable in the marriage. Often, it’s not about love or reconciliation—it’s about control. Divorce threatens their carefully curated image or strips away the power they hold over their partner. While we can’t always pinpoint their exact motives, it’s important to remember this: their refusal to “allow” a divorce doesn’t stop you from pursuing it.
Three Ways to Respond When Your Spouse Doesn’t Agree to a Divorce
1. Kind But Firm
This approach works well if your spouse is more hurt than hostile. It acknowledges their feelings while making your stance clear:
“I understand that you are hurt by this. Believe me, this is not the path I expected for our lives either. But here we are. I am willing to move forward peacefully, amicably, and as fairly as possible. I fully intend to file for divorce. With your cooperation, we can both move on with our lives and, if children are involved, co-parent effectively. Let’s work together to come up with an agreement we can both live with and save as much money with attorneys as possible.” This type of response shows empathy but leaves no room for debate about your decision. It can help set the tone for a cooperative divorce process. 2. Stern But Firm
3. Protecting Your Sanity and Safety
If your spouse’s refusal to agree turns hostile or poses a danger to your emotional or physical well-being, your focus must shift to self-protection. In these cases, you don’t owe them an explanation. Instead, prioritize your safety.
You do not have to respond to their objections. If you are at risk of physical harm, get yourself and your children to a safe place. Work with an attorney to file for divorce, and have them served by a process server. You don’t need to be present for this step. Remember, it is not your responsibility to manage their emotions or their response to the divorce papers. This approach acknowledges that in high-conflict or abusive marriages, personal safety comes first. A high-conflict divorce coach or legal professional can guide you through the process while safeguarding your mental and physical well-being. Divorcing a Narcissist
Let me share the story of Susan (name changed for privacy), one of my clients who faced this exact dilemma. Susan had been married for over 20 years to a man who controlled every aspect of her life. When she told him she wanted a divorce, his response was immediate and dismissive:
“You’ll never go through with it. I won’t let you.” Susan felt trapped. His refusal to acknowledge her autonomy mirrored the years of control and manipulation she’d endured. But Susan reached out for help. Through divorce coaching, we explored her options, prepared her for the emotional and legal challenges ahead, and created a strategy to move forward safely. When she filed for divorce, her husband initially ignored the papers, insisting she’d never leave. But the legal system doesn’t allow one spouse to block a divorce, and Susan’s persistence paid off. Today, she’s living independently and rediscovering her sense of self. Her story is a testament to the fact that you don’t need anyone’s permission to reclaim your life.
0 Comments
“Life is hard—not because we’re doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.” – Glennon Doyle
When my first marriage began to unravel, I kept asking myself, Why is this so hard? I thought I had chosen the right partner. He was intelligent, hardworking, frugal, and kind—just like me. We were both good people. Shouldn’t this have been enough? 
Our Marriage Wasn't Working
But it wasn’t. As difficult as divorce seemed, not divorcing would have been exponentially harder.
Once I realized it was okay for two good people to not be good together, I started to see my situation more clearly. Divorce no longer felt like failure; it felt like choosing a better future. Accepting that my personality or work ethic didn’t guarantee marital success allowed me to focus on my personal success and healing. Letting go of the notion that divorce meant I was unworthy of love made moving forward possible. Divorce Is Hard
—so hard. But it wasn’t because we did anything wrong. In fact, deciding to part ways was one of the bravest, healthiest decisions we could have made.
What If I Hadn't Made the Decision to Divorce?
Would we have stayed together for years, only to face a high-conflict divorce later? Would raising children in an unhappy home have made co-parenting with a narcissist even more challenging? Would I have had the energy to pursue my passions—like starting my art gallery or becoming a divorce coach?
The truth is, staying stuck is often harder than leaving. Many of my clients—whether they’re searching for a lawyer near them for divorce or navigating the challenges of co-parenting—share how relieved they feel once their divorce is finalized. They’re often surprised by how quickly life starts to feel lighter and brighter.
One client told me, “I was so angry at myself for waiting this long. I feel like I can finally breathe again.” Another shared how her attorney for family law near her helped her understand the process, but she needed a divorce coach to provide emotional clarity and support.
Divorce is undeniably hard, especially in cases of high-conflict divorces or when co-parenting with a difficult ex. But choosing the right support system—a knowledgeable family law attorney, a high-conflict divorce coach, and a plan for your future—can make all the difference. Finding Clarity in the Chaos
When Rachel first called me, she sounded completely overwhelmed. “I don’t even know where to start,” she admitted, her voice cracking. “I never thought I’d be here—Googling ‘divorce coach’ because I don’t know what else to do.”
Rachel’s story isn’t unique, but it’s still deeply personal. Like so many others, she had been stuck in what I call the limbo stage--that place where you’re not sure whether to stay or leave. Every day felt like a battle: arguments with her spouse, sleepless nights, and the constant fear of making the wrong decision. She had already consulted a lawyer near her for divorce, but even with the legal side in motion, she felt lost. “I thought once I hired an attorney, I’d feel more in control,” she said. “But the logistics of divorce are just one piece of the puzzle. What about everything else? The emotions, the decisions about my kids, the life I’m trying to rebuild—how do I handle all of that?” This is where divorce coaching comes in.
During our first session, I asked Rachel a question that changed everything for her: What does your life look like one year from now, if everything has gone the way you hope?
For the first time in months, she paused and really thought about her answer. She didn’t talk about court battles or dividing assets; she described peace. She envisioned a home filled with laughter instead of tension, a co-parenting arrangement that worked for her children, and a career she could focus on without constant distractions. As a divorce coach, my role is to help clients like Rachel bridge the gap between where they are now and where they want to be. For Rachel, that meant unpacking her fears, breaking down the overwhelming process into manageable steps, and learning how to advocate for herself during a high-conflict divorce. 
Over the next few months, Rachel transformed. She grew more confident in communicating her needs with her attorney and setting boundaries with her spouse. She even started to see glimpses of the life she had described in our first session—a life filled with peace and possibility.
When her divorce was finalized, Rachel told me, “I couldn’t have done this without you. My lawyer handled the legal stuff, but you helped me find myself again.” Whether you’re just starting to explore your options or are already knee-deep in the process, a divorce coach can provide clarity and support in ways you might not expect. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to move forward, let’s talk. Your next chapter is waiting, and you don’t have to face it alone. Schedule your Free 30 Minute Divorce Consultation call today—because sometimes, the hardest step is the first one. Feeling Like "Just Roommates" in Marriage? How to Divorce with Dignity and Reclaim Your Life11/6/2024 One of the most common — yet often hidden — reasons people consider divorce is feeling like they’re "just roommates" with their spouse. There's no abuse, no explosive fights, but there’s also no passion, no connection. Just an unyielding, empty space. For many, this lack of intimacy and excitement brings shame, leaving them questioning if their marriage is truly worth leaving.  But this scenario is more common than you might think. As a divorce coach, I’ve encountered countless individuals grappling with these same feelings, unsure if their situation "counts" as a valid reason for divorce. The truth is, feeling alone in a marriage is not unusual, and you deserve support if you're contemplating such a significant life change. Let’s take a closer look at why this happens, what a divorce coach can do to help, and how my course, "Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity," provides a private, comprehensive path forward if you’re ready to take that step. The "Roommate" Cycle: How Marriage Can Drift Toward DisconnectionThe path to feeling like "just roommates" often follows a predictable cycle:
Breaking the Cycle: How Divorce Coaching Can HelpWhat does a Divorce Coach do?
Think of me as your Trail GuideAs a divorce coach, I guide clients to assess whether they’re truly ready for divorce and provide tools to manage the emotional and financial challenges that come with it. In many cases, my clients feel relief knowing that their feelings are not only valid but also shared by others. Divorce coaching can demystify the process, allowing you to make informed decisions without fear or shame. "Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity": A Divorce Course That Puts You in Control
How the "Trail Guide to Divorcing with Dignity" Course Can Help:
If You’re Ready, Don’t Wait—Start Planning for Your Future
Prefer to work with a Divorce Coach One on One?
1. OurFamilyWizard
Pros:
Website: ourfamilywizard.com 2. Cozi Family Organizer
Pros:
Website: cozi.com 3. 2Houses
4. TalkingParents
Pros:
Website: talkingparents.com 5. Coparently
Pros:
Website: coparently.com 6. Fayr
Pros:
Website: fayr.com 7. Custody X Change
8. AppClose
Pros:
Website: appclose.com 9. SupportPay
Pros:
Website: supportpay.com 10. Divvito Messenger
Pros:
Website: divvito.com How These Apps Can Benefit Your Co-Parenting Journey
As a divorce coach in Illinois, I encourage my clients to find tools that make their co-parenting experience smoother. Apps like these can reduce conflict, streamline communication, and create better environments for children, ensuring that their needs come first. By staying organized and transparent, both parents can work together more effectively, even after divorce.
If you’re going through a divorce and need guidance, I'd love to help you navigate the process! My divorce coaching services provide personalized support to help you navigate this challenging time, ensuring your family stays focused on what truly matters. Planning for Life After Divorce: Why Planning to Fail is Just as Important as Planning to Succeed10/16/2024
What Does a Divorce Coach Do?
As a certified divorce coach, I help individuals navigate the emotional and logistical aspects of the divorce process. If you didn’t plan for the divorce, now is the time to plan for the next chapter--life after divorce. How will your career shift as a newly single parent? What steps will you take to co-parent effectively? Have you considered how to rebuild your life during divorce recovery?
I am so, so thankful for a friend’s referral to Katie! I felt I had a pretty good grasp on the divorce process but did not trust my ex enough to not throw some curveballs. I hired Katie to be another set of eyes and ears, to reassure me that I was not overlooking anything. She ended up exceeding this expectation! She gently nudged and kept me on task. She suggested other options to consider when I was uncertain. She provided recommendations for great, local resources. She listened through my tears, my frustrations, and my worries! She was so easy to work with and to talk to! She has been a true blessing and calm through the end of my (marriage) storm! Is It a Failure to Divorce?
How To Prepare to Divorce
If the idea of planning for divorce feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. A divorce coach consultation can help you take the first step toward building a plan that works for you. Whether you need help managing a high-conflict divorce, establishing a co-parenting arrangement, or simply finding emotional support, I’m here to help.
Why is choosing the right divorce attorney so important?What’s the worst that can happen? Let’s start with the most important part: All divorce Attorneys are not created equal. Real-Life Example: The Wrong Attorney Led to Delayed Results and Higher Costs
I have seen this time and time again. I often get calls from people who didn’t consult me before choosing an attorney. They’re nearly in tears after spending tens of thousands of dollars, feeling like they're losing everything. “But my friend used them and loved them!” After I ask more questions I find out that the friend also had no money to split and their only child was already an adult. No financial settlement stress and no parenting plan to worry about. Meanwhile, the person on the other end of the phone has a large inheritance and three children under the age of 12. Yikes! These situations are vastly different, and you need an attorney who understands the complexities of your unique case. You also want a divorce attorney that is empathetic but firm. Some divorce attorneys will tell clients anything to help them feel better, even if it’s an impossible idea. In this case, the client finds themselves constantly paying larger and larger bills to the divorce attorney, chasing after their empty promises that sound so alluring. Other attorneys will take full control of the case and not run any ideas by the client. Suddenly, when the divorce is over, the client feels like they had no say in any of it and aren’t sure how they even got there with a settlement they hate. Real-Life Example: Lack of Financial Expertise Cost John His Retirement
So what should someone who is thinking about filing for divorce do??
Key Questions to Ask a Divorce AttorneyBefore making your decision, it's essential to have an open conversation with any potential lawyer. If they seem put off by this, then they are not the right attorney for you! These are the questions to ask a divorce attorney that can help you determine if they’re the right fit for your divorce. When I work with clients, we start with this as a base and dive MUCH deeper into the process of hiring and interviewing the right attorney or mediator for them. 1. Do you specialize in divorces, or are divorces just part of your practice?You wouldn’t hire a dermatologist to do your colonoscopy, would you? Then don’t hire a criminal defendant for your divorce. Find out if the attorney dedicates most of their practice to family law and divorces. A seasoned divorce attorney is more likely to have the expertise you need. 2. How will you approach my divorce, and how long do you think it will take to be complete?Get a clear idea of their plan with your divorce. Will they aim for negotiation, or do they foresee a drawn-out court battle? 3. How accessible are you? How do you prefer to be contacted?Knowing how quickly your attorney returns phone calls and what constitutes an emergency is crucial during the emotionally charged process of divorce. 4. Who else will be working on my case?Larger law firms may assign parts of your case to other attorneys or paralegals. Make sure you're comfortable with the entire team and their experience levels. 5. Can I negotiate directly with my spouse?Some attorneys may prefer to handle all communication, while others might encourage you to engage in direct negotiation to keep costs down. Ask how you can help streamline the process. 6. What are your fees and retainer requirements?Understanding the financial aspect of hiring a lawyer is important. Ask how they charge for their time, including the time of other professionals like paralegals or assistants. 7. What additional costs should I expect?Besides attorney fees, your case may require external professionals such as forensic accountants or child custody evaluators. Clarify these potential costs upfront. 8. What do you wish more clients knew about the divorce process?This is a great way to get your divorce attorney to open up and speak candidly. Listen closely because they will help you understand how to be a good client so they can best represent you! 9. Can you estimate the total cost of the divorce?While divorce attorneys often hesitate to provide exact cost estimates, asking this question can give you insight into their transparency. Be wary of unrealistic promises of low costs or flat rates. 10. What outcome do you predict based on my case?A seasoned divorce attorney should be able to provide insight into how a judge may rule in your situation. This will help set realistic expectations for the outcome of your divorce. Making the Right Choice for Your Divorce Attorney
Are you wondering if it's the right time to divorce? Many of my clients ask this difficult question: How do you know when it's time to divorce? It's common to feel like there’s always a reason to stay, even when things aren’t working. This is natural—nobody wants to go through a divorce. Despite being emotionally miserable, if you’re otherwise safe, housed, and financially stable, it can be even harder to determine the right path forward.
So, is there ever a "good time" to divorce? The truth is, no. However, there are times that may be easier or make more sense from a practical standpoint when considering the process of divorce. 
Before You Have Kids or When the Kids Are Younger
If you’re in a struggling marriage and don’t have children, having kids will not fix your marriage. Let me repeat--kids will not improve your marriage.
I love my husband and our relationship is strong, but having a baby was incredibly hard. I was hormonal, he was sleep-deprived, and we were both juggling careers. Our son didn’t sleep through the night for a year, and it tested us in ways we never imagined. Having a baby adds stress to even the healthiest of marriages. So if your marriage isn’t in a good place, a child will only amplify the challenges. Don’t make the mistake of thinking a baby will solve the problems in your marriage—it won’t. I’m so grateful that my first husband and I made the choice to divorce before we had children. It allowed us to move forward without being tied to each other for life. If you can see that your marriage isn’t working, making the decision to divorce before having children could spare both of you from further complications down the line. 
If You Have Young Kids, Don't Wait Too Long
If you already have young children and your marriage is clearly over, delaying divorce will likely make things harder. Divorce becomes significantly more complex as kids grow older. Divorce with teenagers can be particularly challenging. Teens often experience big emotions, which can lead to manipulation or even turning one parent against the other. In some cases, teens’ mental health suffers significantly as they struggle to process the changes in their family dynamic.
This isn’t the case for every family, but it is a common issue. If your marriage is over, consider acting sooner rather than later for the sake of your children’s long-term emotional well-being. After You've Tried Marriage Counseling
If you’ve attempted marriage counseling, good for you! Seeking professional help is a responsible and admirable step. However, if counseling (or even individual therapy) hasn’t led to meaningful change, it might be time to consider divorce. Marriage counseling can only work if both partners are willing to put in the effort.
If your spouse refuses to participate in counseling, take that as a clear sign that they aren’t invested in saving the relationship. A marriage can’t survive with only one partner trying, and hoping that things will change is often just a path to prolonged frustration and sadness. If this resonates with you, it might be time to move on. Make sure you have a good support system, and reach out to a professional divorce coach for guidance. 
When You've Tried Everything Else
You’ve done everything in your power to save the marriage. You’ve kept the house a low-stress environment, you’ve worked harder, you’ve made compromises, and you’ve tried to be what your spouse wants. You’ve even gone through marriage counseling, attended church retreats, and sought advice from your pastor. And still—nothing.
If you’ve exhausted all options and your marriage remains loveless, it’s time to accept the truth: You are not the problem. Sometimes, one partner simply isn’t willing or able to invest in the marriage. In some cases, your spouse may not want to file for divorce because they don’t want to damage their reputation. Keeping up appearances can be a form of emotional manipulation—this is gaslighting, and if this sounds familiar, it’s happening to you. At this point, the only option is to prioritize your own well-being. Divorce might not be easy, but staying in a toxic, unloving marriage will only prolong your unhappiness. Still Not Sure If It's Time To Divorce?
Knowing the right time to divorce isn’t easy, but recognizing the signs that it’s time to let go is a critical step in your personal growth and well-being. If you’re struggling with this decision, divorce coaching can help. I provide divorce coaching services designed to support you through every stage of the process. Send a message to me and let's talk through your next best steps.
|
