|
One of the most common yet shame-filled reasons for seeking a divorce is the sense of simply "living as roommates" rather than as a married couple. It’s a feeling that clients often hesitate to share with a divorce coach or their divorce attorney because they fear it’s not a “real” reason for divorce. But the reality is, many couples reach a stage where they experience *nothing* – no passion, no meaningful conversations, no intimacy, no empathy, no excitement, and not even arguments. It’s just a persistent, empty silence that grows over time.
Roommate Syndrome
The cycle leading to this “roommate syndrome” often starts innocuously. A couple gets married, perhaps aware that things aren’t perfect but hoping they’ll get better. They decide to have children, and suddenly, the small annoyances magnify. Over time, these minor irritations are pushed aside or ignored. The issues may be addressed briefly, only for promises of change to fade away.
My Work as a Divorce Coach
Is Roommate Syndrome a Valid Reason for Divorce?
As a divorce coach, I encounter many individuals who struggle with guilt and shame over the thought of divorcing under these circumstances. They feel that since there hasn’t been abuse or infidelity, they “shouldn’t” be so unhappy. But I can assure you, through countless divorce coaching sessions, that this situation is far more common than most people realize. The strain of “roommate syndrome” can be emotionally exhausting and profoundly isolating, especially when one partner is ready to make a change and the other is content with the status quo.
Who’s Fault is the Divorce?
Navigating "Roommate Syndrome" in Marriage
Lisa and Mark (not their real names) had been married for almost twenty years when Lisa first considered divorce. They’d built a life together, raised two children, and had all the trappings of a “successful” marriage: a comfortable home, shared family memories, and close-knit friends. But behind closed doors, Lisa felt an ever-growing emptiness. For years, she and Mark had lived like roommates rather than partners. Conversations centered around schedules and bills, intimacy had become a distant memory, and laughter seemed to have disappeared along with their shared dreams.
At first, Lisa shrugged it off as a phase. “We’re just busy,” she told herself, “It’ll get better.” But as the years passed, the feeling deepened. She tried initiating date nights, bringing up the idea of counseling, and even asked Mark for more quality time. Mark’s responses were polite, though indifferent. He would nod along, make promises, and occasionally put in a half-hearted effort, but they’d always end up right back where they started: a life of “nothingness.” As their children grew older, Lisa started planning to wait things out until they graduated, thinking it was her only option. She didn’t believe her feelings were “serious” enough to justify leaving – after all, Mark wasn’t abusive, unfaithful, or neglectful in any overt way. The shame she felt over the idea of leaving just because they “weren’t in love” anymore kept her stuck. Then, she reached out to a therapist on her own. In their first session, Lisa was hesitant, feeling embarrassed to admit she was unhappy without a “real” reason. But as she shared her story, her therapist validated her feelings and reassured her that this “roommate syndrome” was more common than she realized. “Many couples find themselves here,” her therapist said, “And there’s no shame in wanting more for yourself.” Lisa then hired me as her divorce coach and through the divorce coaching process, Lisa explored what she wanted for her life. She was able to process the guilt and fear holding her back and make a decision aligned with her values. For the first time in years, she felt a sense of hope for the future. I helped her plan the next steps, including how to approach the topic with Mark and prepare herself emotionally and financially. While Mark was initially taken aback when Lisa brought up the idea of divorce, he eventually admitted he, too, had been feeling disconnected for a long time. With guidance from me, Lisa navigated each stage of divorce with confidence, knowing she wasn’t alone in her journey. Now, with a renewed sense of purpose, Lisa’s future felt more open than it had in years. The coaching had empowered her to recognize that she wasn’t selfish for wanting more – she was simply honoring her own need for connection, joy, and fulfillment. But How Do You Really Know If Divorce Is the Next Step?
So What Do You Do?
0 Comments
Although it’s still beautiful fall weather, I recently re-read *Wintering* by Katherine May. As someone who loves winter, I was immediately drawn into her imagery of cozy blankets, flickering candles, and the comforting warmth of a hot toddy. But the book’s purpose goes beyond these cozy winter scenes. May explores “wintering” as a metaphor for facing the hardest times in life—job losses, illnesses, parenting struggles, and other challenging periods. Her book shares her own wintering experience and, as I read it, I couldn’t help but think of my own dark seasons as well as the ones my clients are navigating now. I wish I had read this book two decades ago!
My Work As A Divorce CoachHow my personal experience shapes my work
Divorce GriefThe unique weight of divorce
High Conflict DivorceA mix of big emotions
Crippling Shame and GriefThat stops you from progressing
Understanding this struggle, I’ve created a course called *Trail Guide to Navigating Your Divorce.* This course is designed specifically for those who may feel too embarrassed to talk openly about their divorce, yet still want structured, compassionate support. The course provides step-by-step guidance to help you manage the emotional and practical challenges of divorce at your own pace. With *Trail Guide to Navigating Your Divorce,* you can access vital information, practical tools, and the comfort of knowing you’re not alone—all without having to discuss your journey directly if you're not ready.
If you’re hesitant to reach out in person, this course is an affordable and discreet resource that helps you move forward with confidence. You’ll find strategies for addressing grief, tools for rebuilding self-esteem, and guidance on navigating each stage of the divorce process. Taking this first step, even privately, can be a powerful act of self-care and a pathway toward healing on your terms. What Does A Divorce Coach DoWhen clients are facing grief
1. OurFamilyWizard
Pros:
Website: ourfamilywizard.com 2. Cozi Family Organizer
Pros:
Website: cozi.com 3. 2Houses
4. TalkingParents
Pros:
Website: talkingparents.com 5. Coparently
Pros:
Website: coparently.com 6. Fayr
Pros:
Website: fayr.com 7. Custody X Change
8. AppClose
Pros:
Website: appclose.com 9. SupportPay
Pros:
Website: supportpay.com 10. Divvito Messenger
Pros:
Website: divvito.com How These Apps Can Benefit Your Co-Parenting Journey
As a divorce coach in Illinois, I encourage my clients to find tools that make their co-parenting experience smoother. Apps like these can reduce conflict, streamline communication, and create better environments for children, ensuring that their needs come first. By staying organized and transparent, both parents can work together more effectively, even after divorce.
If you’re going through a divorce and need guidance, I'd love to help you navigate the process! My divorce coaching services provide personalized support to help you navigate this challenging time, ensuring your family stays focused on what truly matters.
Two years ago, I had a life-changing experience that led me to my true calling—divorce coaching. A close friend of mine was going through a challenging divorce. Although she had a skilled attorney, she was emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed by the complex legal process. She didn’t know the right questions to ask, and the legal jargon left her feeling lost.
When I offered to meet with her, she was relieved. We sat down, and through her tears, we discussed her situation. A week later, I accompanied her to a meeting with her attorney. That meeting was a turning point for me in choosing to become a divorce coach. 
The Divorce Plan
We established clear communication with her attorney, set realistic expectations, and mapped out a follow-up plan. Because I wasn’t emotionally involved in her case, I was able to keep her focused on the important business decisions and steer her away from the emotional pitfalls that often sidetrack divorces.
This approach allowed her to begin the healing process. Instead of spending more money on attorney fees for clarification, she could call or text me whenever she felt confused about the legal proceedings. She learned to trust the process, knowing her attorney had her best interests at heart. 
I learned Divorce Coaches are essential
The outcome? My friend ended up with a far better settlement than she ever imagined!
This experience made me realize how essential divorce coaching is for individuals navigating the divorce process. Emotional turmoil—whether it's sadness, anger, or resentment—often clouds judgment and disrupts progress. But with the right guidance, you can stay focused and make informed decisions, leading to better results in both the legal and emotional aspects of divorce.
If you’re thinking about divorce, are in the middle of one, or even have already finalized it but need support moving forward, divorce coaching can be a game-changer. Whether you're just starting to consider divorce, deep in the process, or ready to rebuild your life afterward, I’m here to help. Let me guide you through each step, offering the clarity and confidence you need to make the best decisions for your future. Use the calendar below to schedule a free divorce consultation today!
Planning for Life After Divorce: Why Planning to Fail is Just as Important as Planning to Succeed10/16/2024
What Does a Divorce Coach Do?
As a certified divorce coach, I help individuals navigate the emotional and logistical aspects of the divorce process. If you didn’t plan for the divorce, now is the time to plan for the next chapter--life after divorce. How will your career shift as a newly single parent? What steps will you take to co-parent effectively? Have you considered how to rebuild your life during divorce recovery?
I am so, so thankful for a friend’s referral to Katie! I felt I had a pretty good grasp on the divorce process but did not trust my ex enough to not throw some curveballs. I hired Katie to be another set of eyes and ears, to reassure me that I was not overlooking anything. She ended up exceeding this expectation! She gently nudged and kept me on task. She suggested other options to consider when I was uncertain. She provided recommendations for great, local resources. She listened through my tears, my frustrations, and my worries! She was so easy to work with and to talk to! She has been a true blessing and calm through the end of my (marriage) storm! Is It a Failure to Divorce?
How To Prepare to Divorce
If the idea of planning for divorce feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. A divorce coach consultation can help you take the first step toward building a plan that works for you. Whether you need help managing a high-conflict divorce, establishing a co-parenting arrangement, or simply finding emotional support, I’m here to help.
Why is choosing the right divorce attorney so important?What’s the worst that can happen? Let’s start with the most important part: All divorce Attorneys are not created equal. Real-Life Example: The Wrong Attorney Led to Delayed Results and Higher Costs
I have seen this time and time again. I often get calls from people who didn’t consult me before choosing an attorney. They’re nearly in tears after spending tens of thousands of dollars, feeling like they're losing everything. “But my friend used them and loved them!” After I ask more questions I find out that the friend also had no money to split and their only child was already an adult. No financial settlement stress and no parenting plan to worry about. Meanwhile, the person on the other end of the phone has a large inheritance and three children under the age of 12. Yikes! These situations are vastly different, and you need an attorney who understands the complexities of your unique case.
You also want a divorce attorney that is empathetic but firm. Some divorce attorneys will tell clients anything to help them feel better, even if it’s an impossible idea. In this case, the client finds themselves constantly paying larger and larger bills to the divorce attorney, chasing after their empty promises that sound so alluring. Other attorneys will take full control of the case and not run any ideas by the client. Suddenly, when the divorce is over, the client feels like they had no say in any of it and aren’t sure how they even got there with a settlement they hate.
Real-Life Example: Lack of Financial Expertise Cost John His Retirement
So what should someone who is thinking about filing for divorce do??
Key Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney
Before making your decision, it's essential to have an open conversation with any potential lawyer. If they seem put off by this, then they are not the right attorney for you! These are the questions to ask a divorce attorney that can help you determine if they’re the right fit for your divorce. When I work with clients, we start with this as a base and dive MUCH deeper into the process of hiring and interviewing the right attorney or mediator for them.
1. Do you specialize in divorces, or are divorces just part of your practice?
You wouldn’t hire a dermatologist to do your colonoscopy, would you? Then don’t hire a criminal defendant for your divorce. Find out if the attorney dedicates most of their practice to family law and divorces. A seasoned divorce attorney is more likely to have the expertise you need.
2. How will you approach my divorce, and how long do you think it will take to be complete?
Get a clear idea of their plan with your divorce. Will they aim for negotiation, or do they foresee a drawn-out court battle?
3. How accessible are you? How do you prefer to be contacted?
Knowing how quickly your attorney returns phone calls and what constitutes an emergency is crucial during the emotionally charged process of divorce.
4. Who else will be working on my case?
Larger law firms may assign parts of your case to other attorneys or paralegals. Make sure you're comfortable with the entire team and their experience levels.
5. Can I negotiate directly with my spouse?
Some attorneys may prefer to handle all communication, while others might encourage you to engage in direct negotiation to keep costs down. Ask how you can help streamline the process.
6. What are your fees and retainer requirements?
Understanding the financial aspect of hiring a lawyer is important. Ask how they charge for their time, including the time of other professionals like paralegals or assistants.
7. What additional costs should I expect?
Besides attorney fees, your case may require external professionals such as forensic accountants or child custody evaluators. Clarify these potential costs upfront.
8. What do you wish more clients knew about the divorce process?
This is a great way to get your divorce attorney to open up and speak candidly. Listen closely because they will help you understand how to be a good client so they can best represent you!
9. Can you estimate the total cost of the divorce?
While divorce attorneys often hesitate to provide exact cost estimates, asking this question can give you insight into their transparency. Be wary of unrealistic promises of low costs or flat rates.
10. What outcome do you predict based on my case?
A seasoned divorce attorney should be able to provide insight into how a judge may rule in your situation. This will help set realistic expectations for the outcome of your divorce.
Making the Right Choice for Your Divorce Attorney
|
