Weekly Notes from a Divorce Coach Candid writings by Katie VandenBerg about Divorce
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One of the most common yet shame-filled reasons for seeking a divorce is the sense of simply "living as roommates" rather than as a married couple. It’s a feeling that clients often hesitate to share with a divorce coach or their divorce attorney because they fear it’s not a “real” reason for divorce. But the reality is, many couples reach a stage where they experience *nothing* – no passion, no meaningful conversations, no intimacy, no empathy, no excitement, and not even arguments. It’s just a persistent, empty silence that grows over time.
Roommate Syndrome
The cycle leading to this “roommate syndrome” often starts innocuously. A couple gets married, perhaps aware that things aren’t perfect but hoping they’ll get better. They decide to have children, and suddenly, the small annoyances magnify. Over time, these minor irritations are pushed aside or ignored. The issues may be addressed briefly, only for promises of change to fade away.
My Work as a Divorce Coach
Is Roommate Syndrome a Valid Reason for Divorce?
As a divorce coach, I encounter many individuals who struggle with guilt and shame over the thought of divorcing under these circumstances. They feel that since there hasn’t been abuse or infidelity, they “shouldn’t” be so unhappy. But I can assure you, through countless divorce coaching sessions, that this situation is far more common than most people realize. The strain of “roommate syndrome” can be emotionally exhausting and profoundly isolating, especially when one partner is ready to make a change and the other is content with the status quo.
Who’s Fault is the Divorce?
Navigating "Roommate Syndrome" in Marriage
Lisa and Mark (not their real names) had been married for almost twenty years when Lisa first considered divorce. They’d built a life together, raised two children, and had all the trappings of a “successful” marriage: a comfortable home, shared family memories, and close-knit friends. But behind closed doors, Lisa felt an ever-growing emptiness. For years, she and Mark had lived like roommates rather than partners. Conversations centered around schedules and bills, intimacy had become a distant memory, and laughter seemed to have disappeared along with their shared dreams.
At first, Lisa shrugged it off as a phase. “We’re just busy,” she told herself, “It’ll get better.” But as the years passed, the feeling deepened. She tried initiating date nights, bringing up the idea of counseling, and even asked Mark for more quality time. Mark’s responses were polite, though indifferent. He would nod along, make promises, and occasionally put in a half-hearted effort, but they’d always end up right back where they started: a life of “nothingness.” As their children grew older, Lisa started planning to wait things out until they graduated, thinking it was her only option. She didn’t believe her feelings were “serious” enough to justify leaving – after all, Mark wasn’t abusive, unfaithful, or neglectful in any overt way. The shame she felt over the idea of leaving just because they “weren’t in love” anymore kept her stuck. Then, she reached out to a therapist on her own. In their first session, Lisa was hesitant, feeling embarrassed to admit she was unhappy without a “real” reason. But as she shared her story, her therapist validated her feelings and reassured her that this “roommate syndrome” was more common than she realized. “Many couples find themselves here,” her therapist said, “And there’s no shame in wanting more for yourself.” Lisa then hired me as her divorce coach and through the divorce coaching process, Lisa explored what she wanted for her life. She was able to process the guilt and fear holding her back and make a decision aligned with her values. For the first time in years, she felt a sense of hope for the future. I helped her plan the next steps, including how to approach the topic with Mark and prepare herself emotionally and financially. While Mark was initially taken aback when Lisa brought up the idea of divorce, he eventually admitted he, too, had been feeling disconnected for a long time. With guidance from me, Lisa navigated each stage of divorce with confidence, knowing she wasn’t alone in her journey. Now, with a renewed sense of purpose, Lisa’s future felt more open than it had in years. The coaching had empowered her to recognize that she wasn’t selfish for wanting more – she was simply honoring her own need for connection, joy, and fulfillment. But How Do You Really Know If Divorce Is the Next Step?
So What Do You Do?
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Although it’s still beautiful fall weather, I recently re-read *Wintering* by Katherine May. As someone who loves winter, I was immediately drawn into her imagery of cozy blankets, flickering candles, and the comforting warmth of a hot toddy. But the book’s purpose goes beyond these cozy winter scenes. May explores “wintering” as a metaphor for facing the hardest times in life—job losses, illnesses, parenting struggles, and other challenging periods. Her book shares her own wintering experience and, as I read it, I couldn’t help but think of my own dark seasons as well as the ones my clients are navigating now. I wish I had read this book two decades ago!
My Work As A Divorce CoachHow my personal experience shapes my work
Divorce GriefThe unique weight of divorce
High Conflict DivorceA mix of big emotions
Crippling Shame and GriefThat stops you from progressing
Understanding this struggle, I’ve created a course called *Trail Guide to Navigating Your Divorce.* This course is designed specifically for those who may feel too embarrassed to talk openly about their divorce, yet still want structured, compassionate support. The course provides step-by-step guidance to help you manage the emotional and practical challenges of divorce at your own pace. With *Trail Guide to Navigating Your Divorce,* you can access vital information, practical tools, and the comfort of knowing you’re not alone—all without having to discuss your journey directly if you're not ready.
If you’re hesitant to reach out in person, this course is an affordable and discreet resource that helps you move forward with confidence. You’ll find strategies for addressing grief, tools for rebuilding self-esteem, and guidance on navigating each stage of the divorce process. Taking this first step, even privately, can be a powerful act of self-care and a pathway toward healing on your terms. What Does A Divorce Coach DoWhen clients are facing grief
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As a divorce coach in Illinois, I encourage my clients to find tools that make their co-parenting experience smoother. Apps like these can reduce conflict, streamline communication, and create better environments for children, ensuring that their needs come first. By staying organized and transparent, both parents can work together more effectively, even after divorce.
If you’re going through a divorce and need guidance, I'd love to help you navigate the process! My divorce coaching services provide personalized support to help you navigate this challenging time, ensuring your family stays focused on what truly matters.
Two years ago, I had a life-changing experience that led me to my true calling—divorce coaching. A close friend of mine was going through a challenging divorce. Although she had a skilled attorney, she was emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed by the complex legal process. She didn’t know the right questions to ask, and the legal jargon left her feeling lost.
When I offered to meet with her, she was relieved. We sat down, and through her tears, we discussed her situation. A week later, I accompanied her to a meeting with her attorney. That meeting was a turning point for me in choosing to become a divorce coach. 
The Divorce Plan
We established clear communication with her attorney, set realistic expectations, and mapped out a follow-up plan. Because I wasn’t emotionally involved in her case, I was able to keep her focused on the important business decisions and steer her away from the emotional pitfalls that often sidetrack divorces.
This approach allowed her to begin the healing process. Instead of spending more money on attorney fees for clarification, she could call or text me whenever she felt confused about the legal proceedings. She learned to trust the process, knowing her attorney had her best interests at heart. 
I learned Divorce Coaches are essential
The outcome? My friend ended up with a far better settlement than she ever imagined!
This experience made me realize how essential divorce coaching is for individuals navigating the divorce process. Emotional turmoil—whether it's sadness, anger, or resentment—often clouds judgment and disrupts progress. But with the right guidance, you can stay focused and make informed decisions, leading to better results in both the legal and emotional aspects of divorce.
If you’re thinking about divorce, are in the middle of one, or even have already finalized it but need support moving forward, divorce coaching can be a game-changer. Whether you're just starting to consider divorce, deep in the process, or ready to rebuild your life afterward, I’m here to help. Let me guide you through each step, offering the clarity and confidence you need to make the best decisions for your future. Use the calendar below to schedule a free divorce consultation today!
Planning for Life After Divorce: Why Planning to Fail is Just as Important as Planning to Succeed10/16/2024
What Does a Divorce Coach Do?
As a certified divorce coach, I help individuals navigate the emotional and logistical aspects of the divorce process. If you didn’t plan for the divorce, now is the time to plan for the next chapter--life after divorce. How will your career shift as a newly single parent? What steps will you take to co-parent effectively? Have you considered how to rebuild your life during divorce recovery?
I am so, so thankful for a friend’s referral to Katie! I felt I had a pretty good grasp on the divorce process but did not trust my ex enough to not throw some curveballs. I hired Katie to be another set of eyes and ears, to reassure me that I was not overlooking anything. She ended up exceeding this expectation! She gently nudged and kept me on task. She suggested other options to consider when I was uncertain. She provided recommendations for great, local resources. She listened through my tears, my frustrations, and my worries! She was so easy to work with and to talk to! She has been a true blessing and calm through the end of my (marriage) storm! Is It a Failure to Divorce?
How To Prepare to Divorce
If the idea of planning for divorce feels overwhelming, you’re not alone. A divorce coach consultation can help you take the first step toward building a plan that works for you. Whether you need help managing a high-conflict divorce, establishing a co-parenting arrangement, or simply finding emotional support, I’m here to help.
Why is choosing the right divorce attorney so important?What’s the worst that can happen? Let’s start with the most important part: All divorce Attorneys are not created equal. Real-Life Example: The Wrong Attorney Led to Delayed Results and Higher Costs
I have seen this time and time again. I often get calls from people who didn’t consult me before choosing an attorney. They’re nearly in tears after spending tens of thousands of dollars, feeling like they're losing everything. “But my friend used them and loved them!” After I ask more questions I find out that the friend also had no money to split and their only child was already an adult. No financial settlement stress and no parenting plan to worry about. Meanwhile, the person on the other end of the phone has a large inheritance and three children under the age of 12. Yikes! These situations are vastly different, and you need an attorney who understands the complexities of your unique case. You also want a divorce attorney that is empathetic but firm. Some divorce attorneys will tell clients anything to help them feel better, even if it’s an impossible idea. In this case, the client finds themselves constantly paying larger and larger bills to the divorce attorney, chasing after their empty promises that sound so alluring. Other attorneys will take full control of the case and not run any ideas by the client. Suddenly, when the divorce is over, the client feels like they had no say in any of it and aren’t sure how they even got there with a settlement they hate. Real-Life Example: Lack of Financial Expertise Cost John His Retirement
So what should someone who is thinking about filing for divorce do??
Key Questions to Ask a Divorce AttorneyBefore making your decision, it's essential to have an open conversation with any potential lawyer. If they seem put off by this, then they are not the right attorney for you! These are the questions to ask a divorce attorney that can help you determine if they’re the right fit for your divorce. When I work with clients, we start with this as a base and dive MUCH deeper into the process of hiring and interviewing the right attorney or mediator for them. 1. Do you specialize in divorces, or are divorces just part of your practice?You wouldn’t hire a dermatologist to do your colonoscopy, would you? Then don’t hire a criminal defendant for your divorce. Find out if the attorney dedicates most of their practice to family law and divorces. A seasoned divorce attorney is more likely to have the expertise you need. 2. How will you approach my divorce, and how long do you think it will take to be complete?Get a clear idea of their plan with your divorce. Will they aim for negotiation, or do they foresee a drawn-out court battle? 3. How accessible are you? How do you prefer to be contacted?Knowing how quickly your attorney returns phone calls and what constitutes an emergency is crucial during the emotionally charged process of divorce. 4. Who else will be working on my case?Larger law firms may assign parts of your case to other attorneys or paralegals. Make sure you're comfortable with the entire team and their experience levels. 5. Can I negotiate directly with my spouse?Some attorneys may prefer to handle all communication, while others might encourage you to engage in direct negotiation to keep costs down. Ask how you can help streamline the process. 6. What are your fees and retainer requirements?Understanding the financial aspect of hiring a lawyer is important. Ask how they charge for their time, including the time of other professionals like paralegals or assistants. 7. What additional costs should I expect?Besides attorney fees, your case may require external professionals such as forensic accountants or child custody evaluators. Clarify these potential costs upfront. 8. What do you wish more clients knew about the divorce process?This is a great way to get your divorce attorney to open up and speak candidly. Listen closely because they will help you understand how to be a good client so they can best represent you! 9. Can you estimate the total cost of the divorce?While divorce attorneys often hesitate to provide exact cost estimates, asking this question can give you insight into their transparency. Be wary of unrealistic promises of low costs or flat rates. 10. What outcome do you predict based on my case?A seasoned divorce attorney should be able to provide insight into how a judge may rule in your situation. This will help set realistic expectations for the outcome of your divorce. Making the Right Choice for Your Divorce Attorney
Are you wondering if it's the right time to divorce? Many of my clients ask this difficult question: How do you know when it's time to divorce? It's common to feel like there’s always a reason to stay, even when things aren’t working. This is natural—nobody wants to go through a divorce. Despite being emotionally miserable, if you’re otherwise safe, housed, and financially stable, it can be even harder to determine the right path forward.
So, is there ever a "good time" to divorce? The truth is, no. However, there are times that may be easier or make more sense from a practical standpoint when considering the process of divorce. 
Before You Have Kids or When the Kids Are Younger
If you’re in a struggling marriage and don’t have children, having kids will not fix your marriage. Let me repeat--kids will not improve your marriage.
I love my husband and our relationship is strong, but having a baby was incredibly hard. I was hormonal, he was sleep-deprived, and we were both juggling careers. Our son didn’t sleep through the night for a year, and it tested us in ways we never imagined. Having a baby adds stress to even the healthiest of marriages. So if your marriage isn’t in a good place, a child will only amplify the challenges. Don’t make the mistake of thinking a baby will solve the problems in your marriage—it won’t. I’m so grateful that my first husband and I made the choice to divorce before we had children. It allowed us to move forward without being tied to each other for life. If you can see that your marriage isn’t working, making the decision to divorce before having children could spare both of you from further complications down the line. 
If You Have Young Kids, Don't Wait Too Long
If you already have young children and your marriage is clearly over, delaying divorce will likely make things harder. Divorce becomes significantly more complex as kids grow older. Divorce with teenagers can be particularly challenging. Teens often experience big emotions, which can lead to manipulation or even turning one parent against the other. In some cases, teens’ mental health suffers significantly as they struggle to process the changes in their family dynamic.
This isn’t the case for every family, but it is a common issue. If your marriage is over, consider acting sooner rather than later for the sake of your children’s long-term emotional well-being. After You've Tried Marriage Counseling
If you’ve attempted marriage counseling, good for you! Seeking professional help is a responsible and admirable step. However, if counseling (or even individual therapy) hasn’t led to meaningful change, it might be time to consider divorce. Marriage counseling can only work if both partners are willing to put in the effort.
If your spouse refuses to participate in counseling, take that as a clear sign that they aren’t invested in saving the relationship. A marriage can’t survive with only one partner trying, and hoping that things will change is often just a path to prolonged frustration and sadness. If this resonates with you, it might be time to move on. Make sure you have a good support system, and reach out to a professional divorce coach for guidance. 
When You've Tried Everything Else
You’ve done everything in your power to save the marriage. You’ve kept the house a low-stress environment, you’ve worked harder, you’ve made compromises, and you’ve tried to be what your spouse wants. You’ve even gone through marriage counseling, attended church retreats, and sought advice from your pastor. And still—nothing.
If you’ve exhausted all options and your marriage remains loveless, it’s time to accept the truth: You are not the problem. Sometimes, one partner simply isn’t willing or able to invest in the marriage. In some cases, your spouse may not want to file for divorce because they don’t want to damage their reputation. Keeping up appearances can be a form of emotional manipulation—this is gaslighting, and if this sounds familiar, it’s happening to you. At this point, the only option is to prioritize your own well-being. Divorce might not be easy, but staying in a toxic, unloving marriage will only prolong your unhappiness. Still Not Sure If It's Time To Divorce?
Knowing the right time to divorce isn’t easy, but recognizing the signs that it’s time to let go is a critical step in your personal growth and well-being. If you’re struggling with this decision, divorce coaching can help. I provide divorce coaching services designed to support you through every stage of the process. Send a message to me and let's talk through your next best steps.
"Throwing in the Towel"
"Giving Up on a Good Thing" "Walking Away from Marriage" "Marriage is Hard Work… You Just Need to Try Harder!" 
All of these phrases get used by people who don’t understand why a couple decides to divorce. As a divorce coach, I often hear these comments from clients whose friends and family are completely blindsided by their decision to separate. It’s already a challenging time for anyone going through divorce, but it becomes even harder when others question or judge your decision.
Not only are we working through our own emotions during a divorce, but we often find ourselves managing the emotions of those around us—family members, friends, even acquaintances. My clients frequently share that they’re put in the difficult spot of either revealing the private struggles in their marriage to justify their divorce or keeping quiet and facing judgment, because "surely things aren't that bad." Even when clients end up choosing to explain, they are often accused of exaggerating or lying. It’s a no-win situation. I deeply wish people outside the marriage would stop insisting on understanding a divorce in such detail. Divorce is hard enough without having to justify it to others. Here’s why this is so problematic:1. It’s None of Their Business
Let’s start with the basics: your divorce is your business. Period.
Just recently, one of my clients shared how their friend group had taken a very toxic stance on the divorce, blocking them on social media and refusing to hear their side of the story. While the divorce had originally been mutual and amicable, the added tension from friends was causing the situation to become hostile. This client’s spouse, who had been reasonable at the start, was now becoming difficult to work with. This will now un-necessarily cost the couple more money in legal fees and time, not to mention, added emotional strain. All because some, albeit close, outsiders think they need to understand a personal issue between two people. Another personal example: When I was going through my own divorce, I was out with some friends when a woman I had just met learned about my situation. She became wildly upset with me, saying I was making a stupid decision and couldn’t understand why I would get divorced. Imagine meeting someone for the first time and they start lecturing you on one of the most personal and intense decisions of your life! Back then, I felt the need to justify myself. Now, as a divorce coach, I coach my clients to be prepared for this sort of reaction and not feel obligated to explain their deeply personal choices. 2. Protecting Your Spouse's Image
This is a tough one. Many marriages end due to sensitive issues like addiction (pornography, drugs, alcohol), mental health struggles, or childhood trauma. Even in these cases, people often still care about their spouse and want to protect their image, even if the marriage itself isn’t salvageable.
During my own divorce, a customer at my workplace asked me out of the blue, “Why are you getting a divorce?” I was floored. It was an extremely personal question, and completely inappropriate for a professional setting. Had I revealed the private details of my marriage to him, it could have spread throughout our small town. Instead, I gave a generic answer and quickly changed the subject. 3. It’s Too Complex to Explain
Some divorces take years or even decades to unfold. Marriages can deteriorate over time, with both partners trying everything from marriage counseling to open relationships, only to find that they simply can’t stay together. These couples may seem happy on the outside, but inside, they’ve reached a point of hopelessness.
These types of divorces are the hardest for outsiders to understand. “There’s no abuse, so why are they divorcing?” “They still love each other, so why split up?” “They look so happy on Facebook!” But no one really sees the years of struggle, the emotional distance, and the attempts to repair what is broken. To outsiders, it may seem like the couple is "throwing in the towel," but in reality, it’s years of irreparable damage. What Can You Do?
If someone you care about is going through a divorce, you don’t need to know all the details. Offer your support by simply saying, “I’m here for you if you need to talk,” and respect their privacy. Helping them in practical ways, like taking them to dinner or helping with errands, can make a world of difference. Divorce is a form of grief, even for those who choose it.
If you are the one going through a divorce and feel pressured to explain, I recommend using a "grey rock" response to deflect intrusive questions. For example, “Thank you for your concern, but I don’t feel comfortable discussing that.” Having a prepared response can help you maintain your boundaries and avoid being caught off guard. Have You Experienced This?
How have you handled intrusive questions about your divorce? Or, have you ever found yourself surprised by someone else’s divorce and felt compelled to understand? Share your thoughts below.
XO- Katie 
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