 It drives me crazy when I see other coaches brazenly state that they “Help clients get out of their own way!” I cringe every time I read that in a social media or blog post. It feels so gaslight-y (is that a word? If not, I’m making it one!) to me. As if the ONLY reason people aren’t achieving what they want is because of their own doing. It’s their fault they haven’t succeeded yet. Oh boy. As a Divorce Coach, I have clients come to me with so many roadblocks that are not their fault. Namely, abusive spouses. Mentally abusive. Physically abusive. Sexually Abusive. Financially Abusive. Emotionally Abusive. Religiously Abusive. Sometimes more than one of those at varying levels of intensity.  After enough abuse of any kind, reality is skewed for the victims. They don’t know what’s real anymore. What you or I might be able to see clearly is abuse, clients may think it is their own fault because they’ve been told that for so long. Too many coaches proclaim to be the savior and continue to gaslight and build out this narrative that the client is the problem. I refuse to do that. Here are some examples so you can recognize this if you think you’re in an abusive situation but you’re just not sure what’s real anymore. Or perhaps you’re reading this to understand how someone could possibly justify divorce when their spouse seems totally normal to you? Keep in mind, abusive spouses are MASTERS of deception. They will act one way in public, even going so far as to build up and praise their spouse (because it makes them look good, after all) but at home they tell them they still look fat/are stupid/lazy/etc. -Your spouse has a brand new sound system while you haven’t purchased a new bra or underwear for yourself for the past 10 years. If only you were better at saving money right?? (that’s me being sarcastic if you can’t read through that.) (Financial Abuse) -Perhaps you are told to continue to forgive your husband AGAIN for looking at porn instead of coming to bed. It’s your lack of forgiveness that is the sin; not his for his betrayal. (Sexual AND Religious Abuse) -”Why are you so depressed? If only you would be happier when I come home, then I wouldn’t ignore you.” (Emotional Abuse) Clients come to me unsure of what’s real and what’s not. They KNOW what they want. They are already empowered to help themselves when they contact me for a free consultation. They call me to be able to divorce well. They want SO badly to keep their divorces calm and protect their children. They don’t want to waste money by hiring the wrong lawyer. They would love to co-parent well, despite the years of abuse. They want to hold their head high at the local grocery store and not be scared to bump into someone they know. They know that other people have a skewed interpretation of their marriage. They still want to protect the image of their spouse to everyone in their community. You may not understand it. They may not tell you about the abuse. But if they do, it’s important to listen. They have been so scared to share their feelings for so long. They’ve been conditioned by their spouse to think their reality is normal. XO Katie
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