When Divorce Is Actually Better for the Kids: Breaking the Myth

Originally Published August, 2021. Updated March 2025.

We've all heard it countless times: "Divorce is so hard on children; parents should stick it out for the kids!" This well-intentioned advice gets passed around like an unquestionable truth, placing enormous guilt on parents contemplating separation.

Yes, divorce is challenging for children.

​But what's often overlooked in these conversations is how much more damaging it can be for children to live in a home filled with tension, conflict, resentment, and emotional neglect. A home where children walk on eggshells around their parents. A home where they learn to manipulate warring adults to get their needs met. A home where healthy relationships remain an abstract concept rather than a lived reality.

​As a divorce coach who has worked with hundreds of families, I've witnessed firsthand how divorce—when handled with intention and care—can create a path toward healing and growth for the entire family. Let me share why separating might actually be the healthier choice for your children, even though the journey isn't easy.

The Hidden Damage of "Staying Together for the Kids"

When parents remain in a deeply unhappy or dysfunctional marriage solely for their children's sake, they often don't realize the subtle yet profound messages they're sending. Children are incredibly perceptive; they absorb the unspoken dynamics of a household like sponges.
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In homes affected by roommate syndrome—where parents have emotionally disconnected but continue living under the same roof—children observe a relationship devoid of affection, respect, or genuine partnership. This creates a distorted template for what relationships should look like.

What Children Learn in an Unhappy Home:

• Love means sacrificing your happiness and well-being
• Conflict avoidance is more important than authentic communication
• Emotional disconnection is normal in intimate relationships
• Tension and resentment are inevitable parts of family life
• Their needs and feelings come second to maintaining appearances

One client's story illustrates this perfectly. Maria's (name changed) middle school children were living in a household where their father struggled with alcoholism and bipolar disorder. Their home life was unpredictable and often frightening, with the children never knowing which version of their father they would encounter each day.
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The constant stress manifested in declining grades, social withdrawal, and anxiety symptoms. Though Maria worried about how divorce would affect her children, the reality of their current situation was already causing significant harm. The children weren't thriving—they were surviving.

How Divorce Can Create Positive Change for Children

After careful consideration and preparation, Maria made the difficult decision to divorce. What happened next surprised her: rather than creating additional trauma, the separation became a catalyst for healing.
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With the marriage ended, her ex-husband finally acknowledged the severity of his conditions and sought professional help. With my help, Maria established clear boundaries and structured visitation that prioritized the children's emotional safety. Within months, her children's academic performance improved, they reconnected with friends, and the constant anxiety they'd lived with began to dissipate.

This story isn't uncommon among families I've worked with. When parents separate thoughtfully, with proper support systems in place, children often experience:

1. Reduced exposure to conflict and tension
2. Clearer boundaries and more consistent expectations
3. Improved relationships with both parents individually
4. The opportunity to see parents modeling self-respect and healthy choices
5. A more peaceful home environment where they can focus on being children

Age-Specific Considerations When Divorcing with Children

Birth to Age 10: The Adaptability Advantage

Younger children often demonstrate remarkable resilience during family transitions like divorce. While they certainly need support and reassurance, they typically haven't yet internalized rigid ideas about what families "should" look like.

For children under 10, the consistency of routines and the emotional availability of their parents matter far more than whether those parents live under the same roof. These children tend to adapt more readily to new living arrangements, particularly when both parents:

• Maintain predictable schedules and transitions
• Speak respectfully about each other
• Reassure children that both parents still love them
• Avoid using children as messengers or confidants
• Create comfortable spaces in both homes

​One father I worked with was amazed at how quickly his 6-year-old and 8-year-old adjusted to their new family structure. "They were sad at first," he shared, "but once they understood the schedule and saw that Mom and I could talk without fighting, they seemed relieved. It was like a weight had been lifted off their small shoulders."

Ages 10-18: Navigating the Teen Terrain

The teenage years bring additional complexity to family transitions. Adolescents are developing their identities while also managing intense hormonal and social changes. When divorce enters this already tumultuous period, reactions can vary dramatically.
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Some teens make their parents' divorce "about them," creating additional drama or using the situation to manipulate both households. Others, particularly those who've witnessed years of parental conflict or lived through toxic family dynamics, may actually feel relieved when their parents separate.

I remember working with mom who said her 16-year-old confided, "I've been wishing you would divorce since I was twelve. Living with you fighting or ignoring each other was worse than anything. At least now everyone can stop pretending."

For teenagers experiencing divorce, what helps most is:

• Honest, age-appropriate communication without burdening them with adult details
• Maintaining expectations, boundaries, and consequences across both households
• Respecting their need for stability in their social lives and extracurricular activities
• Giving them appropriate ways to express their feelings about the changes
• Never putting them in the middle of co-parenting conflicts

Breaking Free from Roommate Syndrome

Signs your marriage may have devolved into roommate syndrome include:

• Separate bedrooms or minimal physical affection
• Parallel lives with little meaningful interaction
• Communication limited to logistics and children's needs
• Absence of conflict but also absence of connection
• Feeling like you're operating a household rather than building a life together​
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You can also read more about Roommate Syndrome in a marriage HERE and HERE.

When parents in this situation divorce mindfully, children gain the opportunity to see their parents potentially find happiness—either in healthier relationships or in the authenticity of contentedly single life. This gives children permission to prioritize their own emotional well-being in future relationships.

Perhaps one of the most insidious situations for children is when parents remain technically married but have essentially become roommates who occasionally parent together. This roommate syndrome creates a home environment devoid of warmth, intimacy, and genuine connection.
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Children raised in households affected by roommate syndrome often struggle to form healthy romantic relationships as adults. They've never witnessed the essential components of loving partnerships: mutual respect, affection, compromise, and joy in each other's company.

Recommended Resources for Parents

If you or someone you know is going through a divorce with children, read this post of books I highly recommend. I often suggest these to my clients, and they're available at most local libraries or online.

Moving Forward: Creating a Positive Post-Divorce Family

Divorce doesn't end your family; it reorganizes it. The most important factor in children's adjustment isn't whether their parents stayed married, but how their parents manage the separation process and co-parenting relationship.
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Research consistently shows that the level of conflict between parents is the strongest predictor of children's adjustment problems—not the divorce itself. When parents can maintain a cooperative co-parenting relationship with low conflict, children typically adjust well over time.

Steps for creating a positive transition include:

1. Working with professionals (therapists, divorce coaches, mediators) to manage the separation process
2. Creating a detailed parenting plan that centers children's needs
3. Establishing clear communication protocols between co-parents
4. Helping children maintain relationships with extended family
5. Being patient with children's emotional process, which often isn't linear

Final Thoughts: Choosing Courage Over Comfort

​Staying in an unhappy marriage isn't noble sacrifice—it's modeling settling for less than you deserve. Divorce with children requires tremendous courage, but sometimes it's exactly what everyone needs to thrive.

I won't sugar-coat this: navigating divorce with children is challenging. This is precisely why I do what I do: helping my clients become the best versions of themselves throughout the divorce process so they can be the best possible parents for their children.
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If you're contemplating divorce and worried about your children, remember that they deserve parents who are thriving, not just surviving. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do for your family is to choose a new path forward.

​Are you struggling with making this difficult decision? As a Certified Divorce Coach, I help parents navigate these complex choices with their children's best interests at heart. Contact me for a consultation to discuss your specific situation.